I’m not very good at praying; what’s a good way to start?

Sincerely,
One Step At A Time

Dear One Step At A Time,

You start by creating the most fertile soil for success. All prayer needs two key elements. Without these two things, it is impossible to pray.

1. Time
2. Something to say

Both of these elements are equally important. If you have time but nothing to say – you won’t pray. If you have concerns, thanks, or praise but no time set aside to say them – you won’t pray. Neither element can be neglected.

Daniel made it a point to pray regularly (Dan 6:10). Christ set aside time to go away from the multitudes and pray (Matt 14:23). In our busy world, we have to schedule the things that are important to us. If prayer is a priority (as it should be), we need to set aside time to do it. Find two or three times a day that you can set aside short time-blocks (as little as two or three minutes) to focus on prayer. Make sure it is time when you won’t be distracted or disturbed.

Now that you have the time, find a topic. There are many ways to do this. Make a list of others who need prayers (1 John 5:16, Phm 1:22), personal flaws that you are seeking to correct (Acts 8:22), and blessings for which you are thankful (Php 4:6). Taking the time to jot these things down can go a long way to preparing your mind to address your Maker.

So you kind of went over this in your answer to the “Can I Lose My Salvation” question… but I was wondering about my own salvation. I fall into that other extreme where I feel like if I’m not perfect, I’m not saved. I’ve been praying for more trust in God and studying my Bible a lot more (which has been extremely helpful). However, I still feel even though I think that I will be saved (flaws and all) that I could be doing better. I fear that if I don’t constantly keep this in mind and push myself to do better, I will be lost. I guess my question is this: is this a proper attitude, or do I need to work on my trust in God still when it comes to my salvation?  People always say you should be assured of your salvation, but how do you know if you are on the brink of being lost?  I guess I just wish there were definite parameters.

Sincerely,
Confident, I think…

Dear Confident,

Your struggle is a normal one and is an issue of maturity over time. All christians begin their new lives with the fear of hell and God’s punishment (Pr 1:7)… this is a healthy thing. The church was encouraged to fear God, and they grew when they did (Acts 5:11, Acts 9:31). So fear isn’t a negative thing; it keeps us safe and spurs us to submit to God. But even though fear is the beginning of wisdom, it isn’t the end of it.

John states that fear begins to diminish as our relationship with God becomes more and more built upon love (1 John 4:18)… our love for Him and a growing appreciation of His love for us.

Yes, you must constantly push yourself to improve and grow (Heb 6:1-6). Remember, growing as a christian can become a joy and a pleasure (Matt 11:29). All parent/child relationships have an aspect of fear to them, but ultimately love is seen as the prevailing element in a healthy family dynamic. God is our father (Rom 8:15), and we are his children (1 John 3:1).

It takes maturity and time to appreciate the love of God. The greatest gift man has ever received was the sacrifice of God’s own Son (Jhn 3:16). It should not be any surprise that it takes time, study, and wisdom to appreciate how much God really wants you to spend eternity with Him. Don’t worry; even if you can’t decide whether you are going to heaven or not – it isn’t your decision anyway! Follow God’s commands to the best of your ability, and over time the confidence of your heart will grow, your confidence in your salvation will increase, and you will have more and more peace regarding your eternal home (1 John 3:18-20).

Paul told the first century christians in Rome, Corinth, and Thessalonica to greet each other with a “holy kiss” (Rom 16:16, 1 Cor 16:20, 2 Cor 13:12, 1 Thess 5:26).  Is this a command applicable to all christians in all eras?  I don’t see anyone observing this practice today.

When studying God’s word, how do we differentiate among commands, suggestions, traditions, and cultural issues that don’t apply to us today?

Sincerely,
Never Been (Holy) Kissed

Dear Never Been (Holy) Kissed,

Your radar is correct in thinking that the ‘kiss’ part of the command is cultural. Just like modern Europeans, a kiss upon the cheek was a normal greeting for the people of the East. The key is that Paul was instructing them to greet one another with a HOLY kiss. Holy means ‘pure’, ‘sanctified’, ‘godly’. Their greetings to one another were to be pure and sincere… a greeting for brothers and friends. This is why the command for a holy kiss is preceded by Paul’s instruction to the Corinthians to be of one mind and to live in peace with each other (2 Cor 13:11-12). A modern equivalent would be to tell the christians to greet one another with a holy handshake or a holy hug – those being the typical greetings of our modern American era.

The bigger issue that you bring up is how to differentiate among cultural traditions, suggestions, and commands of God. In general, context becomes the guide for this.

A suggestion will be stated as a suggestion, like when Paul explained the pros and cons of marriage (1 Cor 7:32-38). If in doubt, treat Bible teachings as commands unless they are explicitly stated as matters of suggestion or opinion.

Cultural traditions typically stand out by the context as well – although having a historical perspective tends to help. Some examples of cultural issues are:

1. Kissing as a greeting
2. The church meeting in the upper room (all houses were designed with a large upstairs open-air porch)
3. Washing of feet (a gesture of service done to guests as they entered a house because their feet were dirty from wearing sandals)

All three of these examples can be placed under the category of culture and not command. An understanding of the first century world helps to illuminate what was and wasn’t commanded by God. If the practice was a common one for all people of the day (i.e. kissing, feet washing, large groups meeting upstairs), then it makes sense that God wasn’t commanding them to do something that everyone already did!

I have a question about a man having more than one wife.  I know that in our culture it is something that is looked upon with disdain, but in other cultures it is an accepted practice.  I don’t want to add anything or take anything away from the Word of God, but how much of this issue is cultural, and how much is biblical?
I know that in the Old Testament, God speaks to Adam and Eve and says the two shall become one flesh, but all throughout the Old Testament there are cases of a man having more than one wife. For example, David had many wives, and he was a man after God’s own heart.  If monogamous marriage was a commandment, all those people in the Old Testament sinned by having more than one wife.  I just don’t see God giving a commandment and then just letting man break it.
In the New Testament, the qualification for elders is used to show that a man can’t have more than one wife; however, that is specifically for a man who is in that position, and there are qualifications listed that don’t apply to a non-elder Christian (like having believing children).  Also, I am sure there were first century conversions of men who have more than one wife, and if it is a commandment, then they would have had to divorce all but their first wife.
I know that because it is viewed as wrong by our culture that, even if we can do it, we shouldn’t have more than one wife.  I also know that a guy would have to be crazy to want to deal with more than one wife and the conflict between the wives.  All I am concerned with is if it is a biblical commandment or a cultural restraint.

Sincerely,
Vowing To Learn

Dear Vowing To Learn,

Polygamy is never expressly condemned in the Bible.  It is also never treated as the standard… but as the exception. There are scores of examples of monogamy being God’s preference for man:

1. Adam & Eve were designed monogamously (Gen. 2:24)
2. No polygamy existed until 7 generations after Adam (Gen 4:19)
3. Noah, the last righteous man of his day, had only one wife (Gen 7:13)
4. Qualification for an elder (Tit 1:6)
5. Qualification for a deacon (1 Tim 3:12)
6. Qualification for a worthy widow (1 Tim 5:9)
7. Every New Testament command for a husband or wife assumes monogamy in the commandments. (Mk 10:12, 1 Cor 7:3, Eph 5:33, etc.)
8. The comparison of Christ and the church to a husband and wife relies on a monogamous design for marriage (Eph 5:22-23)
9. God clearly states it as His design for marriage in the New Testament (1 Cor 7:2)

On the same hand, there are multiple examples of the pitfalls of polygamy:

1. Sarah and Hagar fought (Gen 16:4)
2. Rachel and Leah fought over Jacob (Gen 29:30-31)
3. Hannah and Penninah’s rivalry (1 Sam 1:2-6)
4. Solomon’s idolatrous wives (1 Kings 11:4)

Our problem is that God never specifically condemns these men for their polygamy. It is that silence on this particular issue that gives us the greatest consternation. However, we must remember that silence on a particular issue is not the same as God’s approval of the behavior. Everyone can agree that the Scriptures overwhelmingly approve of and allow monogamy while the evidence for polygamy is suspect at best.

We now enter into the issue of opinion, and anything we say must be left in that realm. My opinion is that if a man had multiple wives before obeying the gospel, he would not be required to divorce any of them. However, once someone becomes a christian, they are commanded by God to only seek out one spouse for a lifetime (1 Cor 7:2).

My former girlfriend and I had premarital sex, and she broke up with me because of it.  She felt guilty and said she betrayed her faith.  We never had an in-depth conversation about her beliefs until this.
She says there is no way we can redeem ourselves in God’s eyes, so she broke up with me.  Doesn’t God forgive us for our sins? Isn’t it possible for us to have a strong, healthy relationship as long as we don’t have intercourse again until marriage?
I regret having sex now because it completely derailed our relationship.  I am prepared to work on starting a new relationship with her based on faith.  I believe it will help the both of us in the long run.

Sincerely,
Wanting Another Chance

Dear Wanting Another Chance,

You were wrong in having sex before marriage. She is wrong that you can’t be redeemed and forgiven. You are right in wanting to start a new relationship based on faith.

Unfortunately, you have both learned the hard way that doing things without God can cause an immense amount of pain, trouble, guilt, shame, and suffering. Premarital sex isn’t all the ‘fun’ that our society pretends it to be.

I applaud your desire to start over with a new foundation to your relationship. That means starting over with a new foundation to your life. How important is it to you to serve Christ? Are you willing to do what He says (Jhn 15:14)?

Becoming a christian is a new life (Gal. 2:20) built around the concept that God knows best, and His Word (the Bible) will guide your life. You must be willing to repent of your old life (Acts 17:30), confess Him as Savior (Matt 10:32), and be baptized in His name (1 Pet 3:21). Once you are baptized, you will be forgiven of ALL your sins – including this one (Acts 2:38). At that point, you are ready to start growing in a new life lived by faith through His Word (Rom 10:17, 1 Pet 2:2).

I highly recommend that whether or not she takes you back, you seek out a congregation in your area that teaches these things. If it is important enough to do this with your girlfriend, it’s important enough to do by yourself. There are many denominations out there – don’t fall for them. You want to find a congregation that lives, breathes, sleeps, and eats Bible… a congregation that looks just like the ones you see in the New Testament. If you email us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org, we would be happy to help you find such a congregation.

How do contributions work if I miss a Sunday?  Say I am visiting another congregation, so I am unable to contribute at my home congregation.  Should I contribute at the congregation I am visiting or should I just double up on my contributions the next week at my home congregation?

Sincerely,
Collecting My Thoughts

Dear Collecting My Thoughts,

It is left entirely to your discretion. The command to take up a collection on the first day of the week is a congregational command (1 Cor 16:1). The congregation has the responsibility to take up the collection each week from its members. That is their responsibility.

Your responsibility as an individual is to give cheerfully, purposefully, and voluntarily (2 Cor 9:7). The intent of 1 Cor 16:2 seems to be that the individual would be preparing to give their contribution to their own ‘home’ congregation, but I would hesitate to be too dogmatic on that point. It isn’t a sin for an individual to ‘double-up’ a contribution the next week after visiting elsewhere, nor is it a sin to contribute to the work of another faithful congregation. In matters of freedom, pray for wisdom (Jas 1:5) and do what seems best. There is no wrong answer.