What does the Bible have to say about foreplay? And is it a sin if both people believe that they’re in love, and the reason for it is not because of lust but because of love?

My boyfriend and I can tell the difference between lust and love in our relationship.  And when we are physical, we feel it as love and not as lust.  What I mean by that is that we don’t look at each other just wanting to have foreplay with each other.

Can you give us some Biblical references to where we can determine if this is sin or not?

Sincerely,
Not Married Yet

Dear Not Married Yet,

Your question assumes that love and lust are mutually exclusive terms – they are not.  You can love someone and lust after them at the same time.  ‘Love’ is the choice to do what is in the best interest of another.  Love is best defined by the words of 1 Cor 13:4-7.  Love is the behavior that puts someone else’s needs and concerns before your own.  That type of love is what any and all healthy relationships are built upon… including romantic relationships.

You and your boyfriend love each other, but you also have a physical attraction to one another.  That physical attraction is normal, but it must be tempered and controlled until marriage.  When you “are physical”, you are increasing that physical lust instead of tempering it.  The very term ‘foreplay’ intimates that what you are doing is leading to further intimacy.  The Scriptures say “it is better to marry than to burn” (1 Cor 7:9).  If you can’t cool your jets and keep a healthy physical distance until marriage… you have a problem.

Before marriage, men and women need to keep healthy physical boundaries.  As the Song of Solomon says, “Do not stir up, nor awake my love, until he pleases” (SoS 2:7).  The physical side of a relationship is only a blessing within marriage – don’t rush into it.  Set up healthy boundaries and then stick to them.  Those boundaries need to be built off of respect for God and each other’s reputation.  A good rule of thumb is to ask, “Would I be okay with my brother or sister being in this situation?”  (1 Tim 5:2).  If your relationship is truly pure and strong, it is strong enough to wait.

My mom passed away and is in Heaven.  She was a strong Christian.  Does she remember me and still love me?  Does she miss me as much as I miss her?

Sincerely,
Mourning The Loss

Dear Mourning The Loss,

We are so very sorry for your loss.  The loss of a loved one is a very difficult trauma.  Your mourning is completely normal and healthy.  Abraham mourned when he lost his wife (Gen 23:2).  Jacob mourned when he thought Joseph had died (Gen 37:34).  Ps 35:14 points out how natural it is to hurt after you lose your mother or father.

Yes, your mother remembers you.  When we die, we don’t forget our family.  Even when the rich man woke up in torments, he remembered his brothers (Lk 16:27-28).  If those in torments remember, then how much more will those in Paradise remember their beloved families?  Your mother is in a place of perfect comfort (Lk 16:25), and every tear she has shed has been wiped away (Rev 21:4).  You can find comfort in that.

This is kind of a two-part question.  Is it ever okay to be angry with God?  For years, I’ve found myself feeling this way due to my issues of trying to turn away from having strong attractions and feelings towards members of the same sex.  Yes, I know this is condemned and all, and I can tell you that this issue is the only true reason I’m depressed.  It’s not just the attraction though.  I really hate being a man – period.  All I want to do is please God, but if He doesn’t make any mistakes, why couldn’t He have made me a woman?  I would see then that I could satisfy Him and maybe have a little happiness inside of me.  All of this is what is making me feel frustrated.  (Oh, and I also know that everyone says that homosexuality is a choice, but I can assure you, I didn’t choose to be attracted to men.  I lived a “normal” childhood with both a mother and father and was never sexually abused or anything like that).  Why is God making me suffer?

Sincerely,
Torn In Two

Dear Torn In Two,

Living a homosexual lifestyle is a choice – there is more debate over whether the attraction is a choice.  Feel free to read our article “Just Another Sin” to see more on the difference between homosexual attractions and living a sinful homosexual lifestyle.

Whether or not it is okay to be angry with God… it is normal – especially during times of great stress and trial.  Jonah was angry and spoke rashly with God, and God condemned him for it (Jon 4:1-4).  Regardless of how we feel, we must be careful to not speak rashly with or about God.  Like children with their parents, we can get upset, but we can’t be disrespectful.

You have a thorn in the flesh, a mental/physical problem that is causing you great distress.  However, God will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able (1 Cor 10:13).  Everyone has trials and weaknesses in various areas of their character and life.  Your temptation is one that you must fight just like any other… but take hope.  God causes all things to work together for good for those who love Him (Rom 8:28).  Many others have tried and succeeded in winning the battle against homosexuality.  You can too.  We cannot imagine the struggle you are going through, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be helped.  Through many tribulations, we must enter the kingdom of heaven (Acts 14:22).  This is your cross to bear, but you can do it (Lk 14:27).  If you would like a congregation in your area to get in contact with, e-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org, and we will help you as you reach out for help in your journey.

I’ve been reading through Proverbs recently, and I’ve noticed a repeating pattern that I don’t understand.  It seems like there will be a verse, then several verses later another verse that reads almost identically (for example, Proverbs 20:10 and 20:23, Proverbs 20:8 and Proverbs 20:26, Proverbs 21:9 and 21:19).  At first, it seems like these should be bookends that group together a related set of thoughts, but the intervening verses don’t seem to be very related to each other.  Is there some significance to this pattern?

Sincerely,
Proverbially Puzzled

Dear Proverbially Puzzled,

Proverbs is full of repetitive verses just like the ones you have mentioned.  The first nine chapters of Proverbs are absolutely saturated with that sort of repetition.  The most likely reason for this is that it is designed as a teaching aid.  The Old Testament was often memorized by the Israelite people (the printing press wasn’t invented until 1439), and the Proverbs and Psalms are especially well designed for memory work.

For example, Psalm 119 starts each verse with one of the letters of the Hebrew alphabet, the equivalent of having an A-to-Z poem.  The Psalms and Proverbs use assonance (words that make a rhythm), repetition, rhythm, and melody (many of the Psalms were meant to be accompanied by instruments) to help people memorize them.  The repetition you are seeing in Proverbs is most likely due to a God-designed structure to help ingrain these ideas into the mind of the reader.

If my past sins are forgiven when I am baptized in water, and it is possible for me to “lose my salvation” and go to hell after being baptized, then wouldn’t my best chance of going to heaven be to drown in the baptistery before I had a chance to sin and be lost again?!!  If I wanted to be absolutely sure of heaven, isn’t that my best opportunity?

Sincerely,
Waterlogged

Dear Waterlogged,

Heb 3:12 says that we can fall away from God and lose our salvation, but it specifies how that happens.  We fall away when we have an “evil heart of unbelief”.  God continually cleanses us of our sins when we confess them and are faithful and loyal to Him (1 Jn 1:9-10).  Christians have security and confidence in their salvation as long as they are living for God and trying to serve Him according to His Word.  We fall away when we stop trying.  In reality, drowning yourself in the baptistery (which is an intentionally absurd and extreme example) is giving up.  Christians are forgiven of their sins and have committed to a new life in Christ (Rom 6:4).  Drowning in the baptistery isn’t a new life… it’s suicide.

According to your example, Paul (who spent a lifetime dedicated to God) would have been better off dead right after conversion.  Paul said the opposite was true.  “To live was Christ” (Php 1:21), and though Paul admitted that even an apostle could fall away (1 Cor 9:27)… he was confident of the salvation that awaited him (2 Tim 4:8).  All christians can be confident of their salvation if they are living faithfully.  All christians fall short and sin, but only when we turn our hearts from God and willfully live sinful lives do we need to be fearful (Heb 10:26-27).

I’ve been dating my fiancé now for almost three years, and I’m twenty-four, almost twenty-five years old.  We got engaged this past September.  He is the only man I have done anything sexual with.  We have not had sex, but we have done everything else.  I want to have sex so badly, and so does he, but I’m hesitant to because I don’t want to sin more than I already have.  Our wedding is not until next September.  Is it really a sin to give yourself to one man who you are committed to be with for the rest of your life and love so much?  What does the Bible say?  And does it matter that when the Bible was written, women married much earlier in life, and a woman’s honor was everything she had?  Now there isn’t a stigma against a woman who sleeps with a man she loves.  Please give me your opinion.

Sincerely,
Ready To Wed

Dear Ready To Wed,

Yes, it would be wrong if you slept with him before marriage.  God understands the strain and toll that waiting for marriage takes upon young couples, and He provides a solution if the strain becomes too great… get married.  1 Cor 7:9 specifically says that it is better to marry than to burn with passion.  You said that you are getting married next September.  Wedding dates are set for reasons of convenience, location, weather, etc.  All of those reasons pale in comparison to living pure and faithful lives before God.  If you and your fiancé cannot wait without sinning, then you must flee fornication (1 Cor 6:18) and get married now.  The pomp and circumstance of a formal wedding ceremony is not as important as going to heaven.  Pre-marital sex will taint your relationship with your future husband and with God.

The Bible’s teachings are timeless and unwavering.  Just because culture changes doesn’t mean God does (Jas 1:17).  It is a sad thing that today’s society accepts pre-marital sex.  Be bold; be different… be pure (2 Tim 2:22).