Hello; I’m wondering if a person is born with mental deformities and can’t understand the concept of the Lord, will they still reach heaven?

Sincerely,
Heart For Others

Dear Heart For Others,

Those with mental handicaps would fall under the same rules as children.  In order to obey the gospel, we must have the maturity to:

1. Take responsibility for our sins (Acts 3:19).
2. Hear and understand the Word of God (Rom 10:17).
3. Be responsible for our own spiritual growth (1 Pet 2:1-2).

Children and those with certain mental handicaps do not have that ability, and God only holds us accountable for what we are able to do (2 Cor 8:11-12).  Just like children, they will go to heaven.

     Sixteen years ago, when I was nine years old, I made a profession of faith and was baptized, but I don’t think I fully understood what it means to truly follow Christ until years later when I was in college.  As a child, I thought you just had to mentally believe and not follow Christ.  Is there any biblical reason why I could not be baptized a second time now that I fully understand what it means to be a Christian?

Sincerely,
Older And Wiser

Dear Older And Wiser,

The word ‘baptism’ simply means ‘immersion’ – it is the reason for your immersion that makes baptism a soul-saving act.  When we understand that baptism saves us from our sins (1 Pet. 3:21) and are baptized by the authority of Christ (Acts 2:38) and believe in His Name (Mk. 16:16), then that baptism saves us.  Many people are baptized without understanding these things… in which case, they just get wet.  You will have to evaluate for yourself whether or not you understood what you were doing when you were baptized.  If you did, there is no need for re-baptism.  If you believe you didn’t know what you were doing, then you should be rebaptized.

As a child, what is the estimated age you have to be to not know Christ and not be saved and not go to Heaven? If a baby dies, will they go to Heaven? If a two-year-old dies, will they go to Heaven?

Sincerely,
Maturity Matters

Dear Maturity Matters,

The age of accountability is the age when a child becomes accountable to God for their sins and would be judged for them… exactly at what age that happens is the tricky part of your question.  We can tell you what the Bible says on the subject, but it doesn’t say much.

We know any baby that dies goes to heaven.  David’s son died, and David made it clear that his son was in heaven (2 Sam 12:23).  Also, Paul uses the immaturity of children as an example (1 Cor 13:11).  This tells us God doesn’t have the same expectation of a child’s behavior as He does of an adult’s.  Children are not bound by the same rules as adults.  A child doesn’t have the mental capacity or maturity to be held accountable for their mistakes like adults are.

In order to become a christian, there are several things God expects you to be capable of doing:

1. Take responsibility for your sins (Acts 3:19).

2. Hear and understand the Word of God (Rom 10:17).

3. Be responsible for your own spiritual growth (1 Pet 2:1-2).

If a child is not capable of doing those things, they cannot be held accountable for their eternal future.

This still doesn’t answer the question though because every child matures at a different rate.  Everyone agrees that a five-year-old can’t be held accountable, and that a twenty-year-old can.  It is the age spectrum in between where our judgment gets fuzzy.  Only God, who knows our hearts (Lk 16:15), can accurately judge the hour in which a child makes that transition into accountability.

     I have struggled with this my entire life, including my entire Christian life.  NO one will even try and provide an answer – only quote Scripture that doesn’t provide an answer.

I have been taught God is all-knowing, all-powerful, can do anything, etc.  That being said and believed… why do such evil things happen to little kids (molestation, rape, murder)?  It might make sense if they were adults… but little kids?

How can you be all-knowing, all-powerful, watch what is happening to little children, and not help?

Everyone says, “FREE WILL; God doesn’t mess with free will.”  Then why pray?  IF He will not intervene to prevent an evil done to a child, why would He intervene and help you with patience or sickness or anything else?

I just don’t get it.  I’m a parent.  I could not watch an evil done to my child and do nothing.  PERIOD.

Please explain… if you can.

Sincerely,
Angry Mother

Dear Angry Mother,

All suffering is caused by mankind and sin.  When God made the world, He made it to be good – it was sin that destroyed that perfect vision.  All wickedness and evil brings pain to God and grieves Him, and He will only endure it for so long.  In Noah’s day, God saw all the violence that was in the world, and it made Him deeply sad (Gen 6:5-6).  God gives mankind the freedom to make our own choices, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t pain Him to see the evil upon this earth.  God tells us that the only reason He endures it is because He is longsuffering and desires to give as many people as possible the chance to repent and turn to Him (2 Pet 3:9).  God’s longsuffering is what is hard for us to comprehend because if we were in His shoes, we wouldn’t be as patient with wickedness as God is.  But then again, we also wouldn’t send our own son to die for wicked people – so it is a trade off.

God’s patience is greater than ours, which feels like a blessing when we think of our own need for forgiveness… but it feels like a curse when we look at others’ behavior going unchecked.  It is a dark and ugly world, and God’s love is the shining light in that darkness (Jhn 3:19) – His love is deeper than ours, and His patience is profounder than ours.  Just remember this: all the blameless (including children) will be comforted in His arms in heaven (Rev 21:3-4).  This darkness will not last forever, and it will seem like a mere wisp of time when we get to eternity (Jas 4:14).

     I am a fifty-two-year-old christian mother.  My thirty-four-year-old son is dying of ALS.  I am furious with God right now… not only that my son is dying, but how horribly devastating this disease is.  He is married with three children.  Please, without the usual christian rhetoric that we all preach, please explain to me WHY God who loves us lets horrible things happen – not only to my son, but others.  Are we just rats in a cage to Him for His amusement?  Is He loving, or is that just a myth?  Are He, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit one?  I think no.  I think Jesus represents love, and I think God represents power, control, wrath, and arrogance.  Please help me to understand.

Sincerely,
Angry Mother

Dear Angry Mother,

Life here on this planet is full of heartaches, and we here at AYP cannot imagine how devastated you are right now.  This world is full of all sorts of disease, pain, violence, and strife – but God didn’t cause those things, sin did.  All bad things are a result of sin.  When God made the world, He placed mankind in the Garden of Eden and gave us a joyously blissful existence in that paradise.  Who caused the pain?  We did.  It is sin that has brought all of the death, disease, decay, pain, suffering, troubles, and heartaches into our world.  We all, in varying degrees, are reaping the benefits of a world with sin in it.  Sickness is a consequence of Adam and Eve’s sin in the Garden of Eden.  One of the curses of their sin was that we all must face our own mortality – life is finite.  Sickness, disease, and pain are a part of the human existence.  Sadly, this is true even for our children. When God gave us freewill, He gave us the right to cause problems for ourselves and others, and if He simply removed all the consequences for our actions, He would be removing our freedoms as well.

Sometimes bad things simply happen because they happen.  Job suffered greatly, and his children died, but it wasn’t his (or their) fault.  Job hadn’t done anything wrong, nor had his kids.  It all happened because Satan wanted to do evil (Job 1:6).  As long as we live in this world of sin, there will be troubles.  Sometimes, there isn’t anyone at fault… just time and chance wreaking havoc in a sinful world (Eccl 9:11).

Regardless of the reasons, your son’s illness is devastating to you – and rightfully so.  You have every right to be hurt, but don’t let that hurt cause you to turn your back on God who wants to save us all from this sinful world.  After all, God gave His Son’s life for us – He knows how painful this is for you and knows exactly how to give you comfort through this dark hour.

     What does God think about infertility?  I have a disease that has caused me to not be able to conceive a child on our own.  Is that in God’s plan for us, or is it the devil?  I do believe that He has a plan for everyone and He tests your faith, but if we’ve been trying for eight years, does that mean that I’ve failed?  What does God say about infertility treatment?  Is it a sin?

Sincerely,
Heart-Broken Wife

Dear Heart-Broken Wife,

Infertility is another consequence of Adam and Eve’s sin.  When God created the universe, He made everything good (Gen 1:31).  The world didn’t have disease, thorns, suffering, and all the other problems we see today.  Originally, Adam and Eve lived in the perfect paradise of the Garden of Eden (Gen 2:8).  It is only after Adam and Eve were cast from the Garden because of their sin that all the problems we see today began.

God can cause all things to work together for good for you and your husband (Rom 8:28), but He didn’t cause the diseases that affect our lives.  The fact that you haven’t conceived doesn’t mean you have “failed” any sort of test; just like other people dealing with sicknesses aren’t failures because of their illnesses, you aren’t a failure because you can’t conceive.  Some of the most faithful people dealt with the same infertility issues that you do.  Hannah and Sarah were both faithful women that wept many tears over the fact they couldn’t have children.  The burden and pain you are carrying isn’t an indicator that you are unfaithful – it just is what it is.

As far as infertility treatments, that is a big issue because modern technology allows us to do things that are both good and bad – some treatments are fine; others aren’t.  Read our post “Apples Of Our Eyes” for what to consider before undergoing treatments.

     My daughter thinks it’s okay for women to love women in a way that men and women are supposed to be in a relationship.  She tells me, “God is love,” and that’s what her relationship is, and she also believes that I am judging her.  I know that the devil has blinded her, and my heart aches because I raised my children in church, and I pray for her deliverance.  What do I do?

Sincerely,
Sick Over This

Dear Sick Over This,

If you are looking for verses to show your daughter on the subject of homosexuality, the clearest two in the New Testament are Rom 1:26-27 and Jude 1:7.  However, as you implied, the problem is more than just finding the verses; it is how to act toward a child that has chosen a sinful lifestyle.

There may not be any greater pain on this planet than the pain a parent feels on behalf of their children.  Whether your children have hurt you or you are watching your children hurt, it is a devastating heaviness upon your soul (Pr 10:1).

All you can ever do for your grown children is be a good example, pray for their souls, and stand firm in the truth.  Be that light of Christ that they need to see (Matt 5:14).  Hate the sin, but love them.  Sin causes pain in people’s lives, and hopefully, when that pain gets deep enough – they will choose to look to your example and the Lord’s Will for answers.

I have two children who are into meth.  I have been praying for them along with other family members.  I don’t understand why these prayers are not being answered.  Is there a certain way I need to pray or ask?  I’m new to this, and think I’m not asking in the right way.

I also feel like Satan is starting to attack my family and me for praying. Does this happen?  I have no peace, and I’m afraid to go to sleep because of nightmares… but those could be from all the stress I have in my life.

If you can suggest any books to help me become stronger in my faith and learn to pray, I would greatly appreciate it; I’m too embarrassed to ask. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Mom Who’s Trying

Dear Mom Who’s Trying,

God desires to answer our prayers, and He says that a righteous christian’s prayers do make a difference (Pr 15:29, Jas 5:16).  However, when we pray about things, it isn’t as simple as we just get what we are asking for because God has multiple principles that He must keep in balance at all times.

If God simply forced people to become better people because you prayed for them, that would remove our freedom of choice.  After all, He tells us that we reap what we sow in this life (Gal 6:7).  We make certain choices that get us addicted to sin… we must make choices (often painful – like disclosing the sin) to remove the addiction.  The fact that you are praying for your children is wonderful, but they are responsible for their own decisions, and God won’t force them to change if that isn’t what they want.

As far as books we would recommend, the best thing you can do is read your Bible – especially the Psalms – to get you through this time of grief.  The Psalms are songs and prayers written by faithful people who sometimes suffered greatly.  That is our number one recommendation to someone in your situation – read the Psalms.  Otherwise, if you need help finding a congregation, we would be happy to help you find one.

     Does God give us advice on how to correct our children, such as spanking?  Today, society tells us to use time-outs instead… but that doesn’t seem to always work.

Sincerely,
Tired Parent

Dear Tired Parent,

The Bible is very clear that spanking is an acceptable and effective method of training children.  Pr 29:15 says that “the rod” and reproof give wisdom to a child.  Pr 23:13 says that spanking a child will not kill them, so don’t withhold correction.  Pr 22:15-16 says that all children need the rod of correction to drive foolishness from their hearts and that spanking them will help protect their soul.

The Bible never teaches that parents should abuse, torture, or hit their children out of anger or frustration, but it does teach that corporal punishment is part of a healthy parenting method.  Part of nurturing our children up in the chastening and admonition of the Lord does involve punishment, and that includes spanking (Eph 6:4).

     I have spoken with people who feel our job as christian parents is to homeschool our children.  Are there verses in the Bible to support this idea?

Sincerely,
Educate Me Please

Dear Educate Me Please,

There are lots of verses that say parents are responsible for the education of their children, but none of them say you must formally homeschool your children.  Whether a child goes to a public, private, alternative, or home school, Mom and Dad are responsible for making sure their child is properly trained up (Pr 22:6).  Many parents believe the only way they can properly train their children is to homeschool them.  On the other hand, just as many parents feel that taking advantage of the opportunities provided by various education systems is a wise way to responsibly educate their children.  The Bible doesn’t specifically tell us how to train our children; it just says it is our duty.  We should be very wary about creating a law like “christians must homeschool their children” if God hasn’t made that law.  If the Bible gives only the general command to train up our children, we shouldn’t go beyond what He wrote (1 Cor 4:6).  Parents should use whatever tools they see fit to nurture their children in the chastening and admonition of the Lord (Eph 6:4).

     I don’t understand this scripture: “Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.” (Psalm 51:5 NIV)

Was I born a sinner?  I thought all children were born sinless?

Sincerely,
Troubled

Dear Troubled,

The NIV reading of that text sure sounds like David is saying that he was born in sin, but the NIV isn’t a word-for-word translation and takes liberty in translating that verse (read “What’s The Best Translation” for more details on Bible translations).  Other translations, such as the New American Standard and New King James (much more literal translations), simply say “I was brought forth in iniquity.” (NKJV)  This is a much more generic statement than saying David was born sinful.  Ps 51:5 could mean one of two things:

1. David was born sinful.
2. David was born into a sinful world.

We need to look at other verses to see what the Bible teaches about babies being born in sin.  The sum teachings of the Bible say that babies are born without sin, and babies are perfect in God’s sight (even David, the writer of Psalm 51, recognized that his dead child was going to be in heaven [2 Sam 12:23]).  Sin is not a birthright; it is a choice (Gen 4:6-7, Jas 1:13-15).  Humans sin when they choose to do wrong; they are not born in sin.

The false teaching of ‘original sin’ is very common in today’s society.  If a congregation teaches that you are born in sin, they are false teachers. Sin is a choice we make in life (Isa 7:15-16), and all humans are born upright and good (Eccl 7:29).

     What age is it when you know right from wrong and if you sin you go to hell?

Sincerely,
Counting The Years

Dear Counting The Years,

The age of accountability is the age when a child becomes accountable to God for their sins and would be judged for them… exactly at what age that happens is the tricky part of your question.  We can tell you what the Bible says on the subject, but it doesn’t say much.

We know any baby that dies goes to heaven.  David’s son died, and David made it clear that his son was in heaven (2 Sam 12:23).  Also, Paul uses the immaturity of children as an example (1 Cor 13:11).  This tells us God doesn’t have the same expectation of a child’s behavior as He does of an adult’s.  Children are not bound by the same rules as adults.  A child doesn’t have the mental capacity or maturity to be held accountable for their mistakes like adults are.

In order to become a christian, there are several things God expects you to be capable of doing:

1. Take responsibility for your sins (Acts 3:19).
2. Hear and understand the Word of God (Rom 10:17).
3. Be responsible for your own spiritual growth (1 Pet 2:1-2).

If a child is not capable of doing those things, they cannot be held accountable for their eternal future.

This still doesn’t answer the question though because every child matures at a different rate.  Everyone agrees that a five-year-old can’t be held accountable, and that a twenty-year-old can.  It is the age spectrum in between where our judgment gets fuzzy.  Only God, who knows our hearts (Lk 16:15), can accurately judge the hour in which a child makes that transition into accountability.

If my children were born out of wedlock, are they automatically damned to hell?

Sincerely,
Worried

Dear Worried,

Absolutely not.  Ezek 18:2-4 says that God holds each person accountable for their own individual sins.  It is a sin to have children out of wedlock, but that is a sin the parents need forgiveness for, not the children.  Your children are not damned because of your choices.

However, your choices do greatly influence your children’s future.  Our kids look to us as role-models and guides.  God says that how we train up a child will affect where they go (Pr 22:6).

It is a sign of a healthy parental instinct that you are already worried about your children’s spiritual future.  The best thing you can do for them is to make your own life right with God.  We would be happy to get you in touch with a faithful church (not all churches are faithful) that can help you get on the right track for you and your children.  Just e-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org, and we will happily assist you in whatever way we can.

     My dad has accepted Christ and was baptized (I’m almost positive he has).  I know he was baptized a long time ago, but he doesn’t show any christian-like behaviors.  If he didn’t say it, I wouldn’t be so sure.  He swears when he’s mad (which is often).  Also, once when my mom bought him this christian book for dads, he got all mad and said that he didn’t need her to tell him what to do.  He does pray at those big family affairs, but we don’t eat together anymore, so he doesn’t pray unless it’s an event.  So my main question is: would a person go to heaven if they accepted Christ long ago but didn’t ever talk to Him or think of Him or even go to church?  (We rarely go to church, but I go to a Christian school.) Thanks.

Sincerely,
Questioning Kid

Dear Questioning Kid,

God is the final judge of where a person’s soul ends up (Heb 12:23), but there are a lot of reasons to be concerned with your father’s spiritual state.  God tells us that it is possible for someone to fall away from the faith after being baptized (Heb 6:4-6).  We are warned to not “drift” away from the Lord (Heb 2:1) or “backslide” (Pr 1:32) into old sinful ways.  Once we are baptized, we are told to grow in the Lord and mature in our faith (1 Pet 2:2).  Baptism is the beginning of a new life, but God calls us to be faithful until death (Rev 2:10).

It is obvious that you care deeply for your dad and are worried about his soul.  The best thing you can do for him is to make sure your soul is safe and that you are living the right life, but in the end, he is responsible for his own choices.

     I’m confused.  You say when God kills innocent children that it is a blessing to them.  I want my children to go to heaven.  One way to guarantee that would be to kill them.  I guess I could repent of that sin, quit having children, and live a life worthy of heaven from that point on and see them again one day?  I don’t get it.

Sincerely,
Morbid Mom

Dear Morbid Mom,

You are referring to a comment we made in the article “Flood For Thought”, and in the context, we specifically said that there is a difference between God ending a life and murder.  Your “plan” (we know it was hypothetical) to kill your children and later repent wouldn’t work because of one verse – Galatians 6:7.  Gal 6:7 says that God cannot be mocked; there are no loopholes with our Creator.  God isn’t like the IRS; we can’t just tweak the numbers and skirt justice.  If you purposefully killed your children in order to fast track them to heaven in the hopes of eventually meeting up with them… God wouldn’t be tricked by your plan.

     I don’t get it.  So much of the Bible makes no sense to me.  For example, the Flood… the Bible said God flooded the world but saved Noah and Noah’s family only.  The Bible says the reason this was done was because God saw too much wickedness in the world.  But I just can’t imagine every child or baby living then in the world being wicked, but the Bible says God killed them all.  But in another verse, I remember hearing it said children and babies are not accountable until, like, a certain age… maybe puberty?  So all those kids and babies that were drowned in the flood were innocent, yet killed anyway.  It makes no sense at all to me.

Sincerely,
Too Tragic For Thought

Dear Too Tragic For Thought,

The Flood was a blessing to Noah and his family because they were saved from the sinful influences of that ever-violent generation (1 Pet 3:20)… but it was also a blessing to those innocent children.  You are right; all children are born sinless, and they aren’t accountable for sin until they are old enough to be responsible for their own behavior.  All children go to heaven.  Read “What About The Children?” for further details on the fate of the young.

It is important to realize that when God ends a life, it is not the same as when another human snuffs a life out.  God knows that when a child dies, it isn’t the end of their life but the beginning of a new one.  When God ends a life, He also has a new life to offer them.  All the innocent children that died in the Flood had no chance to grow up faithfully and turn to God because the generation was so wicked that there was no hope for their future.  God redeemed those children from such a horrific fate, and He started the world anew with righteous Noah and his family.

Why do many preachers preach, and they say that when a son or daughter have drifted to the wrong path (meaning the worldly life), it is the parents’ fault?  Yet, you see that in there own household, they have youth who aren’t serving God and are roaming the world… why do many preachers say that?

Sincerely,
Double-Checking Double Standards

Dear Double-Checking Double Standards,

We don’t pretend to represent all preachers; we can only tell you what the Bible says on the subject.  When we preach on the topic of raising children, we talk about the fact that parents have a huge influence on the future of their children.  God tells us that we should “train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old they will not depart from it” (Pr 22:6).  That is one of many verses that address a parent’s responsibility to instill the truth in their children.  When kids grow up, they still have the freedom to choose right and wrong for themselves, but how their parents raise them sets them up for failure or success.

The fact that we preach on the responsibilities of parents doesn’t mean that all preachers are perfect parents – in fact, it is quite the opposite.  We are always preaching Bible concepts that we personally fail at.  Preachers fall short just like everyone else (Rom 3:23).  We don’t preach on moral issues because we are perfect men; we preach on these issues because God has given us His Word to guide us (Ps 119:105).  The message is perfect, not the messengers.

What does the Bible say about abortion?  Is it a forgivable sin?  What if the doctor said, “It was not growing anyway.”  I was told that but don’t know if it was true or if I was told that because I was extremely upset.

Sincerely,
Grieving

Dear Grieving,

All sins are equal, but some sins have worse consequences than others.  In this life, a “little white lie” may not cause you much trouble, but committing adultery will devastate your life.  However, in the eyes of God, all sin is deserving of death (Rom 6:23).  That “little white lie” will send you to hell just as much as the adultery would.  Abortion is such a heinous sin because of how deeply it affects the life and emotional state of the mother and the family and because it destroys a child’s life… but abortion can be forgiven through the blood of Christ.  The apostle Paul murdered christians (Acts 26:10), but Christ saved him (1 Tim 1:15).  In Christ, you are a new person, and the old deeds have passed away (2 Cor 5:17).

Read “Five Steps To Salvation” to see what it takes to become a christian.  You can be forgiven, and you can move forward in life with the peace of mind from knowing you will be reunited with your child in heaven.  If you would like help finding a faithful congregation (not all churches are faithful) that can help you move forward, please feel free to e-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org.

Sometimes I feel like the harder I try to keep my thoughts and my actions pure, the harder the devil works to try to put road blocks in the way.  I was raised in a christian home in which sex or any idea related to the naked human body was not discussed.  I have tried to do a better job of preparing my children for what they will be faced with as adults, but I really don’t want to expose them to too much.  I guess that I’m finding that the relationship between a man and a woman doesn’t seem to be a sacred relationship anymore.  Even some of my best “christian” friends make jokes or comments that seem offensive to me even around my children.  I guess my question: am I too uptight about this type of open discussion because of my upbringing, or is this type of banter something that we as christians should steer clear of?

Sincerely,
Mother Hoverer

Dear Mother Hoverer,

You aren’t crazy; the world and culture that we live in doesn’t treat the male and female relationship with respect, and that culture has bled into the church.  God warns christians against any sort of lewd jokes, crass language, or irreverent speech (Eph 4:29, Tit 2:7-8).  Heb 13:4 says that we should all hold the marriage relationship in a place of honor.  If anything that we say or do treats marriage as crass, common, or cheap – that is wrong.  We can’t tell you exactly where the line is between humorous banter and crass joking… but it is there, and we need to avoid that line.

The second part of your question deals with raising children.  You are wise to not expose your children to too much too quickly.  God tells us to train up our children in the way they should go (Pr 22:6).  Whenever you train someone, you start small and slowly introduce them to more complex issues as they learn.  That is how God would have us treat children – someday they will have to face all of these issues themselves, but until they are ready, parents are to be the filter through which they are introduced to the ethics and issues of life.

If a christian adopts a child, and many years later the biological parents of the child come to believe (based upon 1 Tim. 5:8) that they have a responsibility to be raising the child – what should the christian do?

Does God no longer hold them to be responsible for parenting the child?

Do I have the right to keep the child and keep them from doing what they believe is their responsibility to the child and to God?  This is a serious matter.  Please advise.

Sincerely,
Family Ties

Dear Family Ties,

Once someone makes a vow, they are bound by it even if they later regret making it.  When a child is adopted, the adoptive family has promised to take that child and make them part of their family – that is exactly why those parents are required to fulfill all biblical responsibilities of parenting.  In like manner, when someone terminates their parental rights, they also become bound by their word, even if they later regret their decision.

People often make promises and decisions that they later regret and cannot change.  When Esau gave up his birthright for a bowl of stew, he later regretted the decision but couldn’t change it (Heb 12:16-17).  Esau gave it up, and that was that.  He had to live with the consequences.

The nation of Israel did the same thing when they made a truce with the Gibeonites.  The Gibeonites tricked Israel into making a pact with them even though God had warned Israel that this would cause them trouble.  Israel murmured about the vow, but they were bound by it (Josh 9:18-20).  We are bound by our word even if later we realize we should have done differently.

An adoptive family has total rights to keep the child, and the birthparents have zero rights to take them back.  Both have made a vow and are bound by them.

If you have further questions on this issue, feel free to e-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org, and please remember to include an e-mail address.

You stated that, “The Bible is very pro-adoption.”

Does the Bible support adopting a child that has living biological parents (those that have offered the child for adoption)?

1 Tim 5:8 demonstrates the responsibility parents have to take care of their own children, and adopting these children could place a legal barrier between those parents and their responsibility to take care of their offspring.  Please advise.

Sincerely,
Family Ties

Dear Family Ties,

There are two sides to an adoption story, the birthparents whose rights are terminated (either voluntarily, involuntarily, or through death) and the adoptive parents that take the child as their own.  We have to deal with both groups separately.

First let’s deal with the adoptive parents.  The Bible teaches that when christians are adopted by God, they receive full rights as His children (Rom 8:15-17).  Using this principle, when a family adopts a child, they become responsible for all of that child’s needs just as if the child was biologically born to them.  Therefore, the commands given to parents and children in places like 1 Tim 5:8 and Eph 6:1-4 would apply just as firmly to an adoption situation.

Now, let’s address what the Bible says about birthparents who place their biological children for adoption.  The Bible makes it clear that parents do have a responsibility for their children, and when we said that the Bible is “pro-adoption”, we were saying that the Bible condones adopting children who are in need of families.  We were not saying that the Bible condones someone turning their back on their parental responsibilities.  The Bible has a lot to say about caring for our children, and in most circumstances, it would be the wrong thing for a christian to place their child for adoption.  The only times in the entire Bible that we ever read of faithful people doing this is when Hannah gave Samuel to be raised by the priest Eli (1 Sam 1:24-28) and when Moses’ parents sent him down the river to save his life (Ex 2:3)… and it is safe to say that both circumstances were extraordinary.

What’s your view on abortion?  And what stance should the church take?

Sincerely,
Looking For Answers

Dear Looking For Answers,

Abortion is a sin, and churches that support abortion are wrong.  Children are already alive in the womb.  John the Baptist leapt in his mother’s womb (Lk 1:41).  God specifically said that John was a child dedicated to Him from before birth (Lk. 1:15).  Ps 139:13-16 makes a clear statement about life within the womb of a mother.  Unborn children are credited as living, feeling humans, and therefore, deserve just as much protection as any other human life.  The abortion movement is a movement that seeks to deny rights to a silent and innocent segment of human society.  Abortion is murder (1 Pet. 4:15).  Any preacher or religious leader that promotes abortion is promoting murder.

Hello.  I’ve prayed to God on this subject many times, but I do not seem to get a clear answer either way.  I’m hoping you can help.  What do you think is God’s view on embryo adoption?  Many infertile couples undergo IVF treatments, and as a result, many surplus embryos are left over.  These are either frozen indefinitely, destroyed, or used for scientific research.

We are unable to have children of our own and would dearly love to adopt one of these embryos which would otherwise never be given the chance of life.

Do you think it is morally wrong to bring a child into the world this way?

Surely it’s better for them to have a life and be loved and cherished rather than just destroyed.  Okay, we may not be the biological parents, but we would love them with the same intensity.  I know it’s an unusual question, but I’d appreciate any guidance on this matter.

Sincerely,
Maternal Instinct

Dear Maternal Instinct,

What a wonderful heart for children that you and your husband have!  Very few people realize that there are tens of thousands of fertilized embryos that exist in America and are being stored because of in-vitro fertilization procedures.  This poses a huge ethical dilemma.  Since the Bible never tells us when a human life begins, it is impossible to simply treat fertilized embryos as waste.  As far as we know, life begins at conception (this is the same argument used against abortion – read “A Voice For The Voiceless” for further details), and that would include these embryos.  So what is to be done?  Embryo adoption is becoming an increasingly popular option for couples that are seeking to have children and also feel morally compelled to save these children.  Adoption is a wonderful option.

The Bible is very pro-adoption.  In fact, the greatest adoption story in history is the church.  Jesus died, so God could adopt us as His children (Eph 1:4-5, Rom 8:15).  What a wonderful legacy of love that you can provide your children with.  Your children will always know that they were loved from the earliest stages of life and that their parents chose life.

Since all sickness is a consequence of sin, why are some innocent children dealt a greater portion of this consequence than others?  Why might one child be born healthy and another not?  Is this random chance, or are some favored divinely?

Sincerely,
Sickened

Dear Sickened,

Sickness is a consequence of Adam and Eve’s sin in the Garden of Eden.  One of the curses of their sin was that we all must face our own mortality – life is finite.  Sickness, disease, and pain are a part of the human existence.  Sadly, this is true even for children.  Though, as you mentioned, sickness isn’t doled out equally.  Some people suffer greatly, and others face relatively few health problems.  There are several reasons that someone might have a greater portion of sickness.

1. We reap what we sow (Gal 6:7-8).  The choices we make have consequences in this life – and in the next.  What you do affects you and those around you that you come in contact with.  When you behave godly, certain things happen; when you behave sinfully, other things happen.  That is a universal principle of life.  If a woman drinks while she is pregnant or a child is neglected and malnourished because of ungodly parents – they will suffer the consequences of the choices their parents make.  Some children face health issues that were totally avoidable if the parents had simply lived moral lives.
2. Sometimes bad things simply happen because they happen.  Job suffered greatly, and his children died, but it wasn’t his (or their) fault.  Job hadn’t done anything wrong, nor had his kids.  It all happened because Satan wanted to do evil (Job 1:6).  As long as we live in this world of sin, there will be troubles.  Sometimes, there isn’t anyone at fault… just time and chance wreaking havoc in a sinful world (Eccl 9:11).
3. Sometimes people suffer so that God can be glorified.  Jesus’ disciples asked Him why a certain man had been born blind, and Jesus answered, “So that God’s works might be revealed in him.” (Jhn 9:1-3)  This man’s ailment provided an opportunity for God to show His glory.  There are times that we suffer, so God can teach us and teach others through our pain (Eccl 7:2-3).

I am pregnant and have an abusive boyfriend, both physically and emotionally.  I want to leave but don’t want to go through pregnancy alone, and I don’t want my baby to have no father figure.  I feel like God has wanted this for me and that I am now too old to find a partner in life.  Do I leave?

Sincerely,
Mother In Distress

Dear Mother In Distress,

Any man that beats women isn’t a father figure, so staying with him isn’t a blessing to your unborn child.  God tells us to train up a child in the way they should go so that when they are older, they won’t depart from the righteous path (Pr 22:6).  It is understandable that you are scared right now, and our hearts go out to you in your loneliness.  Just remember, life is too short to continue to walk down the wrong road – at some point, the brave thing to do is to turn around and start walking the right direction (Acts 17:30).  What kind of person do you want your child to become?  Whatever you want your child to be, you must first be for them.  By leaving an abusive relationship, fleeing sexual immorality, and turning to God, you will be starting a legacy of faith for your unborn son or daughter.  Your bravery will teach them to be brave.  Also, you don’t have to be alone in this… in fact, you shouldn’t be.  There are faithful congregations of godly people all over the country that can help you as you start on your new path.  Not all churches serve God, but we would be happy to help you find one in your area that is faithful and ready to help teach and encourage you through this new beginning.  E-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org if we can help you find a church near you.

How does God heal a heart that is broken by your own child?

Sincerely,
Hurting Parent

Dear Hurting Parent,

There may not be any greater pain on this planet than the pain a parent feels on behalf of their children.  Whether your children have hurt you or you are watching your children hurt, it is a devastating heaviness upon your soul (Pr 10:1).  We are so sorry for your suffering.  Suffering is so difficult because each person’s sorrow is unique to them (Pr 14:10).

It might give you courage to know that some of the greatest people of the Bible have dealt with great sorrow, tragedy, and depression – read our post “I’ve Got The Joy, Joy, Joy” for examples.

Another verse that might give you comfort is Rom 8:28.  God is able to turn tragedy into victory when we trust Him and live our lives His way.  All things are possible through God (Php 4:13).  We don’t know how or when, but you can be stronger for having faced this… as much as that is hard to believe right now.

You might also consider reading through the Psalms.  Psalms can give great comfort to people when human words aren’t enough.  When your heart is torn by your children – God’s Words are a balm for the hurting.

Is it wrong for Christian parents to lie to their children about Santa Claus and the Easter bunny, etc.?

Sincerely,
The Truth Hurts

Dear The Truth Hurts,

It is always wrong to lie; the question is whether telling your kids about Santa Claus is lying or not.  Many christians have many different views on this.  Some christians tell their children that Santa is imaginary because they feel that is honest.  Other christians allow their children to believe in Santa and simply don’t dissuade them from the notion until they ask point-blank.  No matter what, christians must in good conscience do what they believe is honest.  Lying is always wrong (Rev 21:8).  The debate isn’t over whether or not lying is a sin; the debate is over whether or not allowing your children to believe in something imaginary counts as being deceptive.  Each must do what they believe is faithful and right… it would not be good to be too dogmatic on this point.

I am a mother of two, and we don’t attend church.  I tell them as much as I know about God and Jesus and the Bible.  I am scared, though, every time I start to think about the end of days… not because I am not saved but because I heard that when the rapture comes, in heaven you will not know anyone.  I want to know my kids.  I want to watch them grow up and have babies of their own.  I think I may be misunderstanding something.  Please help me understand what is going to happen and if we are all going to be together and know each other.  Please, I get so sad about all of it.

Sincerely,
Maternal Instinct

Dear Maternal Instinct,

The Rapture isn’t a biblical teaching, and it won’t actually happen (read our article “Up In The Air” for a detailed explanation of what the Bible teaches about the Rapture).  However, you are still left with your concern about what heaven will be like (heaven is still very real! – 1 Pet 1:3-4).  In heaven, we have every reason to believe we will know each other.  In fact, if the transfiguration is any indication, we will know everyone in heaven, not just those we have known in this life.  When Jesus was transfigured on the Mount of Olives, both Moses and Elijah appeared and talked to Christ (Lk 9:30).  The remarkable thing is that Peter recognized both of those men even though they had been dead for many centuries (Lk 9:32-33).

Now, if we may, we’d like to address your statement that you don’t go to church.  It is a sin to not attend church; the Bible says so (Heb 10:24-25).  God uses the church to strengthen each of us individually, and He expects all of us to provide our effort to help strengthen others in His church (Eph 4:16).  The church is the pillar and support of the truth (1 Tim 3:15).  Every faithful christian of the Bible was commanded to be a member of a congregation because God knew that we shouldn’t stand alone.  It is a wonderful thing that you are teaching your children about Jesus and training them up to love Him (Pr 22:6).  We would be happy to help you move forward in your service to Christ by putting you in contact with a faithful congregation in your area.  E-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org, and let us help you fill in that piece in the puzzle of your spiritual life.

Will I be blessed with a kid soon?

Sincerely,
Potential Parent

Dear Potential Parent,

We can’t give you the answer to that question – only God knows.  What we can tell you is that other faithful people have faced the same desire to conceive and wondered just as you do when that special blessing would come.  One of the greatest examples of this is Hannah.  In 1 Samuel 1:4-8, we see how desperately Hannah wanted a child, but yet she waited.  Hannah’s solution?  She prayed fervently to God (1 Sam 1:9-10).  God heard her prayer and eventually gave her that wonderful child she had prayed for (1 Sam 1:20). The power of prayer is incredible.  We can’t tell you when you will be blessed with a child (after all, we aren’t prophets), but we can tell you that if you pray to the Lord, He is faithful and will cause all to work together for good (Rom 8:28).

What happens to a child that dies shortly after birth?  And what comforting words can I tell a mother and father whose child died after being born?

Sincerely,
Empathetic Friend

Dear Empathetic Friend,

There are no words that can remove the pain that a parent feels when they lose a child – their grieving hearts know a pain that is all their own (Pr 14:10).  There is a grieving process that they must go through (read “Great Grief” for details on what the Bible says on grieving).

However, you can know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the baby is in Paradise with God.  King David settled that question when his son died.  David was in great distress and sorrow because his child was sick and dying (2 Sam 12:16-17).  Yet, when the baby died, David stopped his distress and fasting (2 Sam 12:19-20).  When David’s astonished servants asked him why he was better considering the child just passed away, David simply said, “I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.” (2 Sam 12:22-23)  David was keenly aware that all children go to heaven.  You can confidently tell any grieving parent that their baby is in the arms of a loving Father.

I would like to know where all of God’s beautiful, four-legged creatures go when they die.  My grandson asked me this question right after his dog died.  Of course, I told him his dog went to heaven to be with God and is waiting for him… but the truth of the matter is, I don’t really know where his dog went to!  I was always told that dogs and cats don’t have souls, so if that’s true… where would they go?

Sincerely,
Grammy Grief Counselor

Dear Grammy Grief Counselor,

Animals are a blessing from God, and your grandson’s fondness for his dog is shared by animal lovers the world ‘round.  Animals have the “breath of life” just like humans do (Gen 2:7, Gen 6:17).  This “breath of life” is also sometimes referred to as the “spirit” of a man or animal (Gen 7:22).  Animals have spirits, and humans have spirits, but humans were also made in the image of God (Gen 1:26).  Our spirits are eternal and will go up to be with the Father, and animal spirits are temporary and will return to the dust of the earth (Eccl 3:21).  God made our spirit of a different caliber than He made those of the animal.  Dogs don’t go to heaven, but we can feel confident that God has decided wisely on this issue like all others.  We may not always understand His reasons, but He always makes good decisions.

Our daughter, who is seventeen and living at home, has a boyfriend who is nineteen.  He wants to move out on his own and experience something new.  What would be your advice/approach when dealing with them spending time together alone at his new place, going over to visit, watch movies, etc.  Although they have given us no reason to not trust them, I am having problems giving permission to this “alone” time.

Sincerely,
Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned Parent,

Different parents will give different advice in these circumstances, but you aren’t crazy for having concerns.  The important thing is to be able to explain things to your daughter and her boyfriend in biblical terms.  Whatever your decision is, if you can give Scripture for your feelings, it will take the trust issues out of the picture.  As you said, it isn’t about these two trustworthy young people; it is about the natural temptations and passions of youth.  So here are some verses that can be used in your discussions:

1. God says that it is natural and normal for young people to be attracted to one another (1 Cor 7:9).  This is a natural part of the romance process, but it is also important for them to not put themselves in a position where this attraction can lead to regrettable decisions in the heat of the moment.
2. The Song of Solomon is a poetic book of the Bible devoted to romantic love.  The chorus of that song says, “don’t awaken or stir up love until he pleases” (SS 3:5).  God’s warning to those in the courtship process is to not force things and not to go too fast.  The goal is to slow down and get to know the person… the risk of spending copious amounts of time alone is that the relationship begins to speed up in all the wrong ways.
3. A reputation is a difficult thing to build but an easy thing to destroy.  Your daughter and her boyfriend currently have good reputations, which are more valuable than riches (Pr 22:1).  Part of your job as parents is to help protect their good name.  When a young woman spends a lot of time at a single man’s apartment… it looks a certain way.  This is worth explaining to them.

You will need to decide what conversation to have with your daughter and her boyfriend when and if he gets an apartment, but those are some Bible verses to help provide context to the ground rules you will set.

How do I console my daughter who just revealed to me that a trusted grandpa figure exposed himself to her multiple times when she was younger?  This man knows the Bible and is involved in children’s ministry at a Christian church (not church of Christ).

Sincerely,
Horrified Mother

Dear Horrified Mother,

Oh, what dark and troublesome times we live in that such things would happen to children!  We can’t give you the exact words to say, nor can we give you a crash course in counseling via the internet.  What we can do is point out a few verses that deal with tragedy and may be useful when talking with your daughter.

1. Listen.  Many times the greatest tool you have to help someone who is suffering is simply to use your ears.  You can’t remove the hurt they are feeling; each heart knows its own sorrows (Pr 14:10), but you can do a great deal of good by being “swift to hear” (Jas 1:19).
2. Rom 8:28 is a great comfort to many people because it gives them hope.  God is able to turn tragedy into victory when we trust Him and live our lives His way.  All things are possible through God (Php 4:13).
3. Some of the greatest people of the Bible have dealt with great sorrow, tragedy, and depression – read our post “I’ve Got The Joy, Joy, Joy” for examples.
4. You may recommend reading the Psalms to her, if she asks for advice.  The Psalms can give great comfort to people when human words aren’t enough.
5. Stand by her if she chooses to expose this man and his sin.  He is endangering others, and if she has the strength, justice should be upheld.  Darkness should be exposed by the light (Eph 5:11).

We know that these are a paltry help for such a great pain, but many times words are the least effective at times like this.  As we said, many times the greatest tool is a loving and listening ear.

My wife and I have been married for thirty-two years, and we have three grown sons (30, 28, and 26). The twenty-six year old refuses to grow up, and my wife won’t let him grow up.  He’s living with a woman and her two children.  He calls my wife for everything!  He does not have a job, and my wife jumps every time He calls.  This is causing serious stress on our marriage!  I am a preacher, and I want to do the right thing!  A house divided shall not stand.  How should I handle this issue? Thanks.

Sincerely,
Frustrated Father

Dear Frustrated Father,

There is only one verse that is needed to address an adult that won’t work and pay their own bills – “If any will not work, neither let them eat” (2 Thess 3:10).  Financially supporting someone who won’t work, especially in these hard economic times when others are struggling to find work, is wrong.  The Bible advice is simple – no more handouts.  Make the decision, as a couple, that you will stand together and do what is best for your son.  Don’t lay the blame solely on your wife; a husband is responsible for the decisions of his house (Eph 5:23).

My wife and I have been married seven years.  She has a son in his early forties from a previous marriage.  He has had a roller coaster lifestyle.  He does not like to live by the rules.  He gets help for addiction to drugs and alcohol, does well for a while, and then falls back to his old ways.  She wants to continue to help him, and I think we should stop helping and let him grow up.  Now his girlfriend is pregnant and due soon. Neither of them has a job or income.  What should I do?

Sincerely,
Step-Dad

Dear Step-Dad,

The Bible solution is simple to say, but hard to do.  It is hard because when you do what the Bible says, your son will whine and cry and beg and manipulate and cajole and scream and… you get the idea.  The Bible simply says, “If a man will not work, neither let him eat” (2 Thess 3:10).  The most loving thing you can do for this man is to let him see what it is like to live without a safety net – no more hand holding, no more free money, and no more free rides.  When people figure out that they need to work in order to eat… they start working.  He won’t starve; there are thousands of food banks across America.  He won’t freeze; there are thousands of shelters across America.  He will learn to stand on his own two feet.  By no longer subsidizing his bad behavior, you and your wife can give him the gift of an actual life.

My son suffers from OCD, and in trying to deal with it, he tries to make deals with God.  For example, he said he made the deal that if he gave in to the problem, then God can let the devil taint his xBox.  Now, he won’t play at all because he gave in and believes God has allowed his xBox to be tainted by the devil.  I’ve told him God doesn’t work that way, but he won’t believe me.  Is there a biblical Scripture I can show him that will prove to him that God doesn’t make deals?

Sincerely,
Perturbed Parent

Dear Perturbed Parent,

A little less time on the xBox isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but believing the devil has infected your electronics is probably a problem.  All joking aside, the best verse to cover this issue with your son is Matt 4:5-7.  When the devil tempted Jesus by taking Him to the top of the temple and daring Jesus to throw Himself down and prove that God could take care of Him, Jesus responded by saying, “Do not test the Lord your God”.  God makes the rules, not us (Isa 33:22).  Explain to your son that being faithful means that we trust God’s Bible.  It is God’s will that will be done, not ours (Jas 4:14).  God decides what our punishments will be, not us.

My sister recently lost her son (a twenty-five-year-old) to a bad car accident.  He was in the height of his life, recently engaged to be married, and doing well at his job.  Her grief has steadily increased.  She wants answers.  Why would God do this?  Why would He take such a good person?  Is He punishing her for her sins?

I am exhausted trying to find Bible verses or words of comfort for her.  Please help.

Sincerely,
Forlorn Aunt

Dear Forlorn Aunt,

This is a great question… which is why thousands of books have been written on the subject of grief. When Jacob heard of his son’s death and when he contemplated the loss of a second son, he said, “My gray hair will go down to Sheol” (Gen 37:35, Gen 42:38). That emotion is a normal one. When one learns of the death of a spouse or child, their first reaction is so painful and the grief is so deep that they feel they will never have another happy moment on this earth. Jacob’s first reaction was normal in this respect. Jacob later received the good news that his son was alive, so he didn’t have to go to his grave in pain.

But your question is about your sister today. How do we handle grief, so that we will be able to recover and find happiness again? This process of handling grief is called “Healing Grief.” It means we go through the grieving process in the right way, so we can heal. This is where those thousands of books come in, and I suggest your sister read many of them. Also, one of our AYP writers has an entire audio sermon series on grieving that he wrote when his wife died; that series can be found here.  Some of the major things most people need to do are:

1. Go ahead and cry your eyes out. Don’t be ashamed to express your pain by crying. (Ps 6:6-7)
2. If you have a friend who will listen, talk, talk, talk. Crying and talking are very therapeutic. Don’t hold it in! Cry and talk. (Eccl 4:10)
3. Cry out to God in prayer and listen to God as He speaks to you through His Bible, especially the book of Psalms (Phil 4:6; 1 Pet 5:6-7).
4. This next one sounds funny to someone who has not been through this experience, but those who have will know what I am saying. After a few months, you will realize that you don’t want to let go of your loved one. You don’t want them forgotten. You actually hope they might, in some way, come back. At this stage, you must accept the fact that they are gone. This is not easy, but it is a big step that is necessary to healing. (2 Sam 12:22-23)

When this acceptance actually comes into her life, she will begin the final period called ‘recovery’. It is at this time that hope will come back into her life, and she will find happiness again. She is going through a grieving process God built within us humans who are made in His image… so encourage her to not give up. Even Jesus Himself experienced this emotion (John 11:35).

I need help.  Every time someone in our family passes away, my son gets scared.  People that are adults have told him that people who have passed can come back and visit us.  He will not sleep alone for a long time by himself.  My aunt just passed away this week, and we are dealing with it again.  I do not know if this spirit or ghost thing is true or not because I have not ever seen one.  I do not want to tell him lies, so I figured the best thing is to ask a preacher if it is true or made up, and I will explain it to him.  Thank you and hope you can help.

Sincerely,
Ghost Buster

Dear Ghost Buster,

Death is a very difficult concept for children to cope with, and myths can make a tricky subject even more trying.  When people die, they do not come back to visit us.  Heb 9:27 says that when we die, we go to meet God – we don’t come back.  Lk 16:19-23 tells us that when people die, good or bad, they go to Paradise or torments.  Ghost stories and tales of spirits are just that – stories and tales.  You can confidently tell your son that no one is coming back to visit him, and he can rest easy knowing God is in control.

How does adultery affect a family?

Sincerely,
Damage Control

Dear Damage Control,

Adultery is devastating to a family.  Adultery breaks the vows of marriage and destroys the trust that God intended for marriage (1 Cor 6:16).  It is debilitating to the emotional well-being of the spouse that has been cheated on.  God said that marriage is meant to be built upon love and respect (Eph 5:33) – adultery decimates both of those.

Children grow up too fast in a home broken by adultery.  Children are products of the environment their parents create for them (Eph 6:1-4).  If a marriage is hurting, so are the children that are supposed to be protected by that marriage.  A family can survive after adultery, but the damage is deep, and the healing takes time.

I am married, and my husband and I fight so much that we don’t have any feelings for each other any more.  He doesn’t believe in God, and we have a child together; our relationship is nothing but mental abuse, and I know it’s not healthy for any of us to be in this situation, and there is another man that’s in my life, and I feel that we could be happy together.  I’m only twenty, and I know that life’s too short to live this way, and I want my son to treat women better than what my husband does, and I know if I stay with him, my son won’t have a chance.  I don’t’ know what to do.  Please help!

Sincerely,
Wife In Despair

Dear Wife In Despair,

You have some biblical options, but getting involved in an adulterous relationship isn’t one of them!  If you want to be pleasing to God and protect your soul, you must cut off the beginnings of this illicit relationship.  There are ways to make life better for your son, but this isn’t one of them.

Scripturally, there are several things you can do.  You can separate from your husband (1 Cor 7:10-11).  You can also (and should) get counseling with or without your husband (Pr 11:14).  The only scriptural reason for divorce is adultery (Matt 19:9), and from what you have stated, that hasn’t happened.

If you are really concerned for your son’s well-being, then simply separate from your husband with a desire to reconcile if possible.  Your son’s well-being isn’t dependent upon you dating other men… in fact, he will benefit from knowing that you aren’t giving up on his dad – but simply trying to do what is best.

My question regards generational curses.  My mother and father recently divorced.  I have now learned that my mother continues to have relationships with married men.  I somehow feel like her choices in her life will somehow curse me in relationships.  I have recently broken up with a man I thought I would have a future with.  Is this just the enemy trying to defeat me?  Thanks!

Sincerely,
Distressed Daughter

Dear Distressed Daughter,

Children pay for the choices their parents make… but not in the way you are concerned about.  People pay for the sins of those who have gone before.  If your father was an axe murderer, it would affect you, your children, maybe even your grandchildren (Ex 34:7)… but eventually he would be forgotten, and the consequences of his behavior would dissipate.  That is what the generational curse is – that children must live with the repercussions of their parents’ choices.  You are dealing with that right now.

Divorce affects children in horrific and lasting ways.  One of the repercussions is that you begin to doubt whether or not you are capable of having a lasting and faithful marriage.  The doubt and fear you have is a pain you endure because of your mother’s choices… but you don’t have to recreate home.  Every person has the God-given gift of free will (Matt 7:13-14).  God wants every marriage to be happy, faithful, and for a lifetime (Eph 5:31-33).  In spite of your parents’ choices, you can choose a godly spouse and live a godly marriage.  Your parents’ decisions cannot deny you the right to live faithfully and have a fully successful future.  In fact, make it a point to be the person who changes your family tree.

Does a person who is mentally retarded still go to heaven if they do not believe, or are they considered children, and why does mental retardation exist in the first place?  I’m guessing mankind is at fault and responsible for this, and it is a consequence for humans for sin.

Sincerely,
Young At Heart

Dear Young At Heart,

Those with mental handicaps would fall under the same rules as children.  In order to obey the gospel, we must have the maturity to:

1. Take responsibility for our sins (Acts 3:19).
2. Hear and understand the Word of God (Rom 10:17).
3. Be responsible for our own spiritual growth (1 Pet 2:1-2).

Children and those with mental disabilities do not have that ability, and God only holds us accountable for what we are able to do (2 Cor 8:11-12).

All disease and illness is a consequence of sin.  When Adam and Eve sinned, their bodies began to die (Gen 2:17).  When mankind was kicked out of the Garden of Eden (Gen 3:24), diseases of all sorts began to creep in.  Mental diseases are just one consequence of that fateful decision that Adam and Eve made.

I have a sensitive question that has a lot of varying answers, but I came across this site and decided to ask yet another religious and spiritual person.  Please try to answer as honestly as you can.

I had a cousin a little while back who committed suicide.  She was young (only 16) and not outwardly depressed or upset.  She left a long note for her mother, apologizing and trying to explain herself.  She was scared of what her future would hold, and her decision came with a lot of conscious struggle.  She left us all behind, confused and worried for her.  What would happen to someone like her in the afterlife? I know that God has the final say, but is suicide a sin?

ADDITIONAL DETAILS:
The girl in question wasn’t an overly religious person (didn’t attend church regularly), but she did believe in God, Jesus, and the afterlife.  She prayed every morning and often claimed to have a “connection” with God when she needed Him.  Thanks for your time.

Sincerely,
Sad Cousin

Dear Sad Cousin,

Suicide is a painful topic, and we are so sorry for your loss.  There are two things to consider when looking at what God says about a sixteen-year-old committing suicide.

1. Is suicide a sin?
2. How accountable does God hold someone of that age for their actions?

Question one is fairly straightforward – suicide is a sin.  Suicide is a form of murder, and murder is wrong (1 Jn 3:15).  What is so scary about suicide is that it is a form of murder that allows no opportunity for repentance (Heb 9:27).  The final judgment belongs to God (Heb 12:23), but it would be a very perilous thing to face God with your own blood on your hands.

Question number two is a lot trickier.  Children are not held accountable for their choices in the same way that adults are.  King David’s son died at infancy, and David knew that his son was in heaven (2 Sam 12:23).  Children are given as examples of godliness (Lk 18:17).  Paul uses the immaturity of children as an example (1 Cor 13:11).  At some point, children transition to being adults, and they become accountable for their own behavior… but that happens at different times for different kids.  Everyone understands that a five-year-old is a child and that a twenty-five-year-old is an adult; it is the ages in between that get fuzzier.  Sixteen is an age that sits squarely in the gray area.  Only God, who knows our hearts (Lk 16:15), could properly judge where your cousin’s maturity level was.  If she was still considered a child in the eyes of God, she will be in heaven – God doesn’t make mistakes; He will properly decide.  May God give you comfort in your time of grief for the loss of your loved one.

Hi, I lied to my dad a few times about drinking twisted tea, having a facebook (I deleted my facebook), why I came home from school late (because I had a detention, and I told him I was checking my grades), etc. – but I don’t want to admit to him that I lied because he’s verbally abusive.  Do I have to admit to my dad that I lied to him???  Am I lying to him by not admitting that I lied before?

Sincerely,
Troubled Kid

Dear Troubled Kid,

You lied to your father, and you need to ask for his forgiveness.  Part of repentance is asking forgiveness (Lk 17:4).  It is unfortunate that your relationship with your father is so unhealthy, but regardless of how he acts, you have a responsibility to do what is right (Matt 16:24).  Your conscience is obviously bothered by hiding these lies… it is time to clear that conscience (Acts 24:16).  May God bless you in your courage to put truth first in your life.

In Leviticus 12, why were women who gave birth commanded to give a sin offering?  This seems to imply there is something inherently sinful about giving birth, which doesn’t make sense.

Sincerely,
Born Free

Dear Born Free,

It is hard to tell for sure why this law was written the way it was.  Most scholars agree that there is much that we don’t fully understand about the details surrounding Old Testament sacrifices.  There are a few possible answers, but certainly nothing definitive.

1. This sin offering could be associated with physical uncleanness, not a moral failing.  In Num 19:9-17, we see the ashes of a sin offering being used to purify people from the uncleanness associated with touching dead bodies, sickness, etc.  All of these impurities were ceremonial impurities – but not sin in the sense that we think of it in New Testament terms.  A mother was unclean from the blood involved in childbirth.
2. It may fit into the category of a generic sin offering because all people sin (Rom 3:23).  Job made sacrifices for his children in case they might have sinned (Job 1:5).  As the mother began the process of raising and nurturing a child, this sin offering would have served as a generic sin offering for previous sins she had committed unwittingly (Num 15:27).

Those are two possibilities, but as we said, there is no definitive answer that we are aware of.  This may fit into the category of “the secret things belong to God” (Deu 29:29).  No matter what, it doesn’t prove that childbirth is inherently sinful because God commanded Adam and Eve to “go forth and multiply” before sin entered the world (Gen 1:28).  God would never command mankind to do something that was wrong.

What is the age of accountability?

Sincerely,
Old Enough to Know Better

Dear Old Enough to Know Better,

The age of accountability is the age when a child becomes accountable to God for their sins and would be judged for them… exactly at what age that happens is the tricky part of your question.  We can tell you what the Bible says on the subject, but it doesn’t say much.

We know any baby that dies goes to heaven.  David’s son died, and David made it clear that his son was in heaven (2 Sam 12:23).  Also, Paul uses the immaturity of children as an example (1 Cor 13:11).  This tells us God doesn’t have the same expectation of a child’s behavior as He does of an adult’s.  Children are not bound by the same rules as adults.  A child doesn’t have the mental capacity or maturity to be held accountable for their mistakes like adults are.

In order to become a christian, there are several things God expects you to be capable of doing:

1. Take responsibility for your sins (Acts 3:19).
2. Hear and understand the Word of God (Rom 10:17).
3. Be responsible for your own spiritual growth (1 Pet 2:1-2).

If a child is not capable of doing those things, they cannot be held accountable for their eternal future.

This still doesn’t answer the question though because every child matures at a different rate.  Everyone agrees that a five-year-old can’t be held accountable, and that a twenty-year-old can.  It is the age spectrum in between where our judgment gets fuzzy.  Only God, who knows our hearts (Lk 16:15), can accurately judge the hour in which a child makes that transition into accountability.

When kids are psychic, and they claim they do not have anything to do with the devil, are they lying?  Or is the devil using them?

Sincerely,
Weirded Out

Dear Weirded Out,

People that claim they are psychic are lying and are meddling in the occult.  Astrologists, those who claim supernatural powers, palm readers, etc. are not from God (Mic 5:12, Isa 2:6, Jer 27:9).  Every lie is from the devil (Jhn 8:44), and the devil uses us when we promote false teaching (Matt 16:23).  The only way to properly serve God is to throw off all pretenses of these dark arts and wholly serve Jesus in truth (Acts 19:18-20).

There has been tension in my husband’s family for many years between him and his mother.  He has cut ties with her because no matter what he did, it was always wrong.  She has managed to convince his son that she (grandmother) is the victim.  Now his son is carrying the same attitude as his grandmother.  At what point do you stop trying?

Sincerely,
End Of Our Rope

Dear End Of Our Rope,

We stop trying to make a difference in our children’s lives when we are dead.  God tells us to never grow weary of doing good (2 Thess 3:13).  Never give up (Gal 6:9).  It may be that your husband’s influence over his son seems minor… but every child is affected by their parents (Heb 12:9).  Put the Lord first in everything (2 Cor 8:5), and let your lights shine brightly for your son to see (Php 2:15).  You never know what kind of influence you will have.

What do you do when your teen son tell you that he is the devil?

Sincerely,
Dodging Pitchforks

Dear Dodging Pitchforks,

Start praying he is wrong.  Of course, it is impossible for him to actually be the devil, but when people live sinful lives, they become children of the devil (Acts 13:10, 1 Jn 3:8).  The devil has only one tool at his disposal – lies (Jhn 8:44).  The greatest antidote to lies is truth.

Ask your son to reason with you and explain why he thinks he is the devil.  God is a big fan of calm, rational discourse (Isa 1:18).  We have no idea how likely it is for you to get your son to do this… but it never hurts to try.  Many times when people have to explain their beliefs, the nuttiness of their position becomes apparent to even them.  Darkness hates being brought to light (Jhn 3:20).  Ask your son to explain why he believes what he does; chances are, you won’t have to prove him wrong… he’ll do that himself.

(This post is a follow-up to “Bullycide”.)

Sorry, I disagree on a couple of points.  I’ve been in the line of fire, so I know from firsthand experience that some kids are sinners of the worst kind.  I believe some kids ARE aware of what they’re doing, and if God let evil people like that into heaven, it wouldn’t be heaven anymore.  Kids who drive other kids to their grave are guilty of MURDER in the sight of God.  You can’t let the wicked off the hook.  Jesus put no age limit on repentance.  He said, unless you repent, you shall ALL likewise perish (Luke 13:3-5).  Paul says in I Cor.7:14: Else were your children unclean, but now are they holy.  Merely being a child doesn’t bring holiness.  There are clean children and unholy children.

The prophet Elisha was teased (apparently, only verbally) by a gang of youths for being bald in 2 Kings 2:23-24.  Elisha pronounced judgment on those kids.  He didn’t absolve them of blame just because they were young.  NO WHERE in scripture does God say you’re automatically innocent if you’re below the age of 18, 13, or whatever.  What’s missing in modern pulpits is good, old-fashioned, fire-and-brimstone preaching.  God’s love is so overemphasized to unrepentant sinners that they never suspect there might be a fiery hell awaiting them on the Day of Judgment and God’s righteous wrath against sin.

Sincerely,
Done Being Bullied

Dear Done Being Bullied,

We appreciate your points and think there might be some miscommunication.  There is an age where a child reaches young adulthood – often known as the “teens”, and children do begin to be responsible before God for their choices.  There is a point where a child ceases to be simply a product of their environment and transitions into being a culpable adult who has chosen a path of righteousness or wickedness.

However, children are not born in sin as you seem to be stating.  1 Cor. 7:14 is being used out of context.  In 1 Cor. 7:14, the children are ‘holy’ because they are purified by their believing parent’s influence.  Otherwise, 1 Cor. 7 would be literally saying that a child is bound for hell or bound for heaven based off of whether or not their parents are christians.  Jesus died to save the whole world (Jhn 3:16), and every human has an opportunity to obey Him.

2 Kgs 2:23-24 is dealing with teenagers (or young adults), not small children.  Yes, many of today’s youth exhibit the same hateful and rebellious attitudes that are shown by that gang of young adults that Elisha interacted with.  Children that rebel against parents and show a lack of respect for authority are clearly condemned in the Scriptures (Col 3:20, Deu 21:18-21).

We couldn’t agree more that there is a need for preaching on hell and the judgment to come (if you read the answers to many of our questions, we think you will see that we don’t shirk our responsibility to that topic).  Once we reach the age where we are old enough to make decisions and repent of those decisions on our own – we must prepare ourselves, so that we won’t perish (Lk 13:3-5).  Children eventually become adults, and as adults, we must be prepared to meet our God.