My question regards generational curses.  My mother and father recently divorced.  I have now learned that my mother continues to have relationships with married men.  I somehow feel like her choices in her life will somehow curse me in relationships.  I have recently broken up with a man I thought I would have a future with.  Is this just the enemy trying to defeat me?  Thanks!

Sincerely,
Distressed Daughter

Dear Distressed Daughter,

Children pay for the choices their parents make… but not in the way you are concerned about.  People pay for the sins of those who have gone before.  If your father was an axe murderer, it would affect you, your children, maybe even your grandchildren (Ex 34:7)… but eventually he would be forgotten, and the consequences of his behavior would dissipate.  That is what the generational curse is – that children must live with the repercussions of their parents’ choices.  You are dealing with that right now.

Divorce affects children in horrific and lasting ways.  One of the repercussions is that you begin to doubt whether or not you are capable of having a lasting and faithful marriage.  The doubt and fear you have is a pain you endure because of your mother’s choices… but you don’t have to recreate home.  Every person has the God-given gift of free will (Matt 7:13-14).  God wants every marriage to be happy, faithful, and for a lifetime (Eph 5:31-33).  In spite of your parents’ choices, you can choose a godly spouse and live a godly marriage.  Your parents’ decisions cannot deny you the right to live faithfully and have a fully successful future.  In fact, make it a point to be the person who changes your family tree.

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Does a person who is mentally retarded still go to heaven if they do not believe, or are they considered children, and why does mental retardation exist in the first place?  I’m guessing mankind is at fault and responsible for this, and it is a consequence for humans for sin.

Sincerely,
Young At Heart

Dear Young At Heart,

Those with mental handicaps would fall under the same rules as children.  In order to obey the gospel, we must have the maturity to:

1. Take responsibility for our sins (Acts 3:19).
2. Hear and understand the Word of God (Rom 10:17).
3. Be responsible for our own spiritual growth (1 Pet 2:1-2).

Children and those with mental disabilities do not have that ability, and God only holds us accountable for what we are able to do (2 Cor 8:11-12).

All disease and illness is a consequence of sin.  When Adam and Eve sinned, their bodies began to die (Gen 2:17).  When mankind was kicked out of the Garden of Eden (Gen 3:24), diseases of all sorts began to creep in.  Mental diseases are just one consequence of that fateful decision that Adam and Eve made.

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I have a sensitive question that has a lot of varying answers, but I came across this site and decided to ask yet another religious and spiritual person.  Please try to answer as honestly as you can.

I had a cousin a little while back who committed suicide.  She was young (only 16) and not outwardly depressed or upset.  She left a long note for her mother, apologizing and trying to explain herself.  She was scared of what her future would hold, and her decision came with a lot of conscious struggle.  She left us all behind, confused and worried for her.  What would happen to someone like her in the afterlife? I know that God has the final say, but is suicide a sin?

ADDITIONAL DETAILS:
The girl in question wasn’t an overly religious person (didn’t attend church regularly), but she did believe in God, Jesus, and the afterlife.  She prayed every morning and often claimed to have a “connection” with God when she needed Him.  Thanks for your time.

Sincerely,
Sad Cousin

Dear Sad Cousin,

Suicide is a painful topic, and we are so sorry for your loss.  There are two things to consider when looking at what God says about a sixteen-year-old committing suicide.

1. Is suicide a sin?
2. How accountable does God hold someone of that age for their actions?

Question one is fairly straightforward – suicide is a sin.  Suicide is a form of murder, and murder is wrong (1 Jn 3:15).  What is so scary about suicide is that it is a form of murder that allows no opportunity for repentance (Heb 9:27).  The final judgment belongs to God (Heb 12:23), but it would be a very perilous thing to face God with your own blood on your hands.

Question number two is a lot trickier.  Children are not held accountable for their choices in the same way that adults are.  King David’s son died at infancy, and David knew that his son was in heaven (2 Sam 12:23).  Children are given as examples of godliness (Lk 18:17).  Paul uses the immaturity of children as an example (1 Cor 13:11).  At some point, children transition to being adults, and they become accountable for their own behavior… but that happens at different times for different kids.  Everyone understands that a five-year-old is a child and that a twenty-five-year-old is an adult; it is the ages in between that get fuzzier.  Sixteen is an age that sits squarely in the gray area.  Only God, who knows our hearts (Lk 16:15), could properly judge where your cousin’s maturity level was.  If she was still considered a child in the eyes of God, she will be in heaven – God doesn’t make mistakes; He will properly decide.  May God give you comfort in your time of grief for the loss of your loved one.

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Hi, I lied to my dad a few times about drinking twisted tea, having a facebook (I deleted my facebook), why I came home from school late (because I had a detention, and I told him I was checking my grades), etc. – but I don’t want to admit to him that I lied because he’s verbally abusive.  Do I have to admit to my dad that I lied to him???  Am I lying to him by not admitting that I lied before?

Sincerely,
Troubled Kid

Dear Troubled Kid,

You lied to your father, and you need to ask for his forgiveness.  Part of repentance is asking forgiveness (Lk 17:4).  It is unfortunate that your relationship with your father is so unhealthy, but regardless of how he acts, you have a responsibility to do what is right (Matt 16:24).  Your conscience is obviously bothered by hiding these lies… it is time to clear that conscience (Acts 24:16).  May God bless you in your courage to put truth first in your life.

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In Leviticus 12, why were women who gave birth commanded to give a sin offering?  This seems to imply there is something inherently sinful about giving birth, which doesn’t make sense.

Sincerely,
Born Free

Dear Born Free,

It is hard to tell for sure why this law was written the way it was.  Most scholars agree that there is much that we don’t fully understand about the details surrounding Old Testament sacrifices.  There are a few possible answers, but certainly nothing definitive.

1. This sin offering could be associated with physical uncleanness, not a moral failing.  In Num 19:9-17, we see the ashes of a sin offering being used to purify people from the uncleanness associated with touching dead bodies, sickness, etc.  All of these impurities were ceremonial impurities – but not sin in the sense that we think of it in New Testament terms.  A mother was unclean from the blood involved in childbirth.
2. It may fit into the category of a generic sin offering because all people sin (Rom 3:23).  Job made sacrifices for his children in case they might have sinned (Job 1:5).  As the mother began the process of raising and nurturing a child, this sin offering would have served as a generic sin offering for previous sins she had committed unwittingly (Num 15:27).

Those are two possibilities, but as we said, there is no definitive answer that we are aware of.  This may fit into the category of “the secret things belong to God” (Deu 29:29).  No matter what, it doesn’t prove that childbirth is inherently sinful because God commanded Adam and Eve to “go forth and multiply” before sin entered the world (Gen 1:28).  God would never command mankind to do something that was wrong.

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What is the age of accountability?

Sincerely,
Old Enough to Know Better

Dear Old Enough to Know Better,

The age of accountability is the age when a child becomes accountable to God for their sins and would be judged for them… exactly at what age that happens is the tricky part of your question.  We can tell you what the Bible says on the subject, but it doesn’t say much.

We know any baby that dies goes to heaven.  David’s son died, and David made it clear that his son was in heaven (2 Sam 12:23).  Also, Paul uses the immaturity of children as an example (1 Cor 13:11).  This tells us God doesn’t have the same expectation of a child’s behavior as He does of an adult’s.  Children are not bound by the same rules as adults.  A child doesn’t have the mental capacity or maturity to be held accountable for their mistakes like adults are.

In order to become a christian, there are several things God expects you to be capable of doing:

1. Take responsibility for your sins (Acts 3:19).
2. Hear and understand the Word of God (Rom 10:17).
3. Be responsible for your own spiritual growth (1 Pet 2:1-2).

If a child is not capable of doing those things, they cannot be held accountable for their eternal future.

This still doesn’t answer the question though because every child matures at a different rate.  Everyone agrees that a five-year-old can’t be held accountable, and that a twenty-year-old can.  It is the age spectrum in between where our judgment gets fuzzy.  Only God, who knows our hearts (Lk 16:15), can accurately judge the hour in which a child makes that transition into accountability.

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When kids are psychic, and they claim they do not have anything to do with the devil, are they lying?  Or is the devil using them?

Sincerely,
Weirded Out

Dear Weirded Out,

People that claim they are psychic are lying and are meddling in the occult.  Astrologists, those who claim supernatural powers, palm readers, etc. are not from God (Mic 5:12, Isa 2:6, Jer 27:9).  Every lie is from the devil (Jhn 8:44), and the devil uses us when we promote false teaching (Matt 16:23).  The only way to properly serve God is to throw off all pretenses of these dark arts and wholly serve Jesus in truth (Acts 19:18-20).

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There has been tension in my husband’s family for many years between him and his mother.  He has cut ties with her because no matter what he did, it was always wrong.  She has managed to convince his son that she (grandmother) is the victim.  Now his son is carrying the same attitude as his grandmother.  At what point do you stop trying?

Sincerely,
End Of Our Rope

Dear End Of Our Rope,

We stop trying to make a difference in our children’s lives when we are dead.  God tells us to never grow weary of doing good (2 Thess 3:13).  Never give up (Gal 6:9).  It may be that your husband’s influence over his son seems minor… but every child is affected by their parents (Heb 12:9).  Put the Lord first in everything (2 Cor 8:5), and let your lights shine brightly for your son to see (Php 2:15).  You never know what kind of influence you will have.

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What do you do when your teen son tell you that he is the devil?

Sincerely,
Dodging Pitchforks

Dear Dodging Pitchforks,

Start praying he is wrong.  Of course, it is impossible for him to actually be the devil, but when people live sinful lives, they become children of the devil (Acts 13:10, 1 Jn 3:8).  The devil has only one tool at his disposal – lies (Jhn 8:44).  The greatest antidote to lies is truth.

Ask your son to reason with you and explain why he thinks he is the devil.  God is a big fan of calm, rational discourse (Isa 1:18).  We have no idea how likely it is for you to get your son to do this… but it never hurts to try.  Many times when people have to explain their beliefs, the nuttiness of their position becomes apparent to even them.  Darkness hates being brought to light (Jhn 3:20).  Ask your son to explain why he believes what he does; chances are, you won’t have to prove him wrong… he’ll do that himself.

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(This post is a follow-up to “Bullycide”.)

Sorry, I disagree on a couple of points.  I’ve been in the line of fire, so I know from firsthand experience that some kids are sinners of the worst kind.  I believe some kids ARE aware of what they’re doing, and if God let evil people like that into heaven, it wouldn’t be heaven anymore.  Kids who drive other kids to their grave are guilty of MURDER in the sight of God.  You can’t let the wicked off the hook.  Jesus put no age limit on repentance.  He said, unless you repent, you shall ALL likewise perish (Luke 13:3-5).  Paul says in I Cor.7:14: Else were your children unclean, but now are they holy.  Merely being a child doesn’t bring holiness.  There are clean children and unholy children.

The prophet Elisha was teased (apparently, only verbally) by a gang of youths for being bald in 2 Kings 2:23-24.  Elisha pronounced judgment on those kids.  He didn’t absolve them of blame just because they were young.  NO WHERE in scripture does God say you’re automatically innocent if you’re below the age of 18, 13, or whatever.  What’s missing in modern pulpits is good, old-fashioned, fire-and-brimstone preaching.  God’s love is so overemphasized to unrepentant sinners that they never suspect there might be a fiery hell awaiting them on the Day of Judgment and God’s righteous wrath against sin.

Sincerely,
Done Being Bullied

Dear Done Being Bullied,

We appreciate your points and think there might be some miscommunication.  There is an age where a child reaches young adulthood – often known as the “teens”, and children do begin to be responsible before God for their choices.  There is a point where a child ceases to be simply a product of their environment and transitions into being a culpable adult who has chosen a path of righteousness or wickedness.

However, children are not born in sin as you seem to be stating.  1 Cor. 7:14 is being used out of context.  In 1 Cor. 7:14, the children are ‘holy’ because they are purified by their believing parent’s influence.  Otherwise, 1 Cor. 7 would be literally saying that a child is bound for hell or bound for heaven based off of whether or not their parents are christians.  Jesus died to save the whole world (Jhn 3:16), and every human has an opportunity to obey Him.

2 Kgs 2:23-24 is dealing with teenagers (or young adults), not small children.  Yes, many of today’s youth exhibit the same hateful and rebellious attitudes that are shown by that gang of young adults that Elisha interacted with.  Children that rebel against parents and show a lack of respect for authority are clearly condemned in the Scriptures (Col 3:20, Deu 21:18-21).

We couldn’t agree more that there is a need for preaching on hell and the judgment to come (if you read the answers to many of our questions, we think you will see that we don’t shirk our responsibility to that topic).  Once we reach the age where we are old enough to make decisions and repent of those decisions on our own – we must prepare ourselves, so that we won’t perish (Lk 13:3-5).  Children eventually become adults, and as adults, we must be prepared to meet our God.

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I am struggling with the issue of the church and abortion.  I know the church is supposed to be unified, and we are supposed to love one another, but how is that possible when a number of pastors and congregations vote for candidates that support homosexual marriage, abortion, etc.  I am particularly angry at black pastors who seem to sell their principles for the color of their skin.  I can’t sit in a black church or even pray with black christians because this rage over them supporting abortions consumes me.  Am I wrong, or do they need to repent?

Sincerely,
No Room In The Pew

Dear No Room In The Pew,

Abortion is a sin, and preachers that support abortion (regardless of skin color) are wrong.  Children are already alive in the womb.  John the Baptist leapt in his mother’s womb (Lk 1:41).  God specifically said that John was a child dedicated to Him from before birth (Lk. 1:15).  Ps 139:13-16 makes a clear statement about life within the womb of a mother.  Unborn children are credited as living, feeling humans, and therefore deserve just as much protection as any other human life.  The abortion movement is a movement that seeks to deny rights to a silent and innocent segment of human society.  Abortion is murder (1 Pet. 4:15).  Any preacher or religious leader that promotes abortion is promoting murder.  Don’t make this a race issue; make it an issue of morals without regard to race.

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There’s a lot in the news about bullycide, where a school kid is driven to suicide by cruel bullies.  What if the bullied kid was driven so crazy by bullying that he couldn’t control his urge to escape the abuse?  What if he never had the chance to accept Christ as Savior and might end up in hell?  Does God hold the bully responsible for the death?  How can the parents forgive their kid’s killer knowing that the bully might have driven their child to hell?  Why should the bully get the chance to be saved that he denied his victim?

Sincerely,
Looking For Justice

Dear Looking For Justice,

There are several things to consider here:

1. All children go to heaven.  Read “What About The Children” for further information.
2. If someone is old enough to be considered a ‘young adult’ and responsible for their own choices before God, we can have confidence that God will not let anyone be tempted beyond what they are able (1 Cor 10:13).  There is no such thing as a sin that can’t be escaped.
3. If the bully is another child, we refer back to point #1.  But ultimately, yes, all bullies and malicious people are held accountable for their choices (Rom 14:12).
4. Nobody can deny someone else the opportunity to go to heaven.  Jesus died for the sins of all mankind (Jhn 3:16).  We all work out our own salvation (Php 2:12), and no one can take that opportunity away from us.

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My question is: my son left the church because some christians hurt him; now he says he won’t have anything to do with christians, but I’ve been praying for two years.  He still doesn’t let go of the hurt.  I’m standing on God’s promises that He will save all my family; do you think my son will come to God?

Sincerely,
A Mother’s Worry

Dear A Mother’s Worry,

You can influence your son’s life, but he has the freedom to choose or refuse God.  Your example will have an effect on your son (Pr 22:6), and you should continue to pray (Pr 15:29) and be a preserving salt in his life (Matt 5:13).  We are so sorry for the heartache you are going through because of your son’s choices (Pr 10:1).  Hopefully, he will repent some day and return to the Lord, but ultimately, that choice will be up to him.

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Well, the last couple of days have really been tough…my girlfriend and I thought we conceived a baby (we are not married, and I know that is a sin), but I asked for forgiveness… but then it all fell apart.  I loved her and trusted her… she ended up telling me there was a possibility that the baby might not be mine; she left me because it was hard to be with me after she told me, and I admit it was hard, but I was willing to forgive and let go, but she left, and now she has told me that the doctors told her she probably lost the child.  I don’t know if the kid was mine, but I feel like it was.  I had dreams about it and saw myself with a lil’ boy I had never seen before.  I was so happy to find out I was going to be a daddy and was going to raise him right by God.  I’m not sure if it’s mine or if she miscarried.  I just want advice on why things like this happen.  I tried my hardest to make it work, and I wanted to be happy, but it all fell apart.  I’m twenty years old, and this is one of the hardest, if not the hardest, things I’ve ever dealt with.  I lost the love of my life and my possible child, plus she had a daughter, and she would call me “Dad”, so it’s like I lost two children.  Please, I need the Lord’s Word to get through this, so please help!

Sincerely,
Floundering

Dear Floundering,

You are experiencing the pain of sin in a very real and personal way.  God does offer forgiveness if we place our faith in Him (read “What Must I Do To Be Saved” for more details), but that forgiveness doesn’t remove the consequences of sin.  David sinned when he committed adultery with Bathsheba (2 Sam 11:2-4); God forgave David of the sin when David repented (2 Sam 12:13), but David’s child still died as a consequence of that sin (2 Sam 12:14).  Sin has both spiritual and physical consequences.  The spiritual consequence of sin is eternal death unless we are forgiven in Christ (Rom 6:23).  The physical consequences of sin still remain after forgiveness.  God says that we reap what we sow (Gal 6:7).  When we behave immorally toward a woman, lose our temper, mistreat others, are bad examples for our children, etc. – there are consequences to those choices.  God wants you to have a happy and healthy life here on this planet.  The only way to do that is to trust His Word that teaches us everything about life (2 Pet 1:3).  We are so sorry that your road has been so difficult as of late; hopefully, this will become an opportunity for you to start with a new commitment to live as God intends.  If you would like help finding a faithful congregation in your area (not all churches are equal) to help you on that journey, we would be happy assist you in locating one.  Simply e-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org.

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Hi.  I’m a working mom, and my husband is a stay-at-home dad.  I want our daughter to be raised with good, christian values.  He is more worldly.  I don’t know what to do.  He is with her a lot, more than I am, but I feel she will have a harder time wanting to serve Christ if we don’t do everything we can now to teach her.  Please help.

Sincerely,
Manager Mommy

Dear Manager Mommy,

The only thing that you can do is be a light in your family.  The Scriptures teach that your greatest tool as a woman married to an unbeliever – is your example (1 Cor 7:13-14).  Your example sanctifies your child and husband because your behavior will be a constant voice in their head.  Your choices and actions become a reminder to them that there is another option.  You cannot force your husband to instill morals in your child, just like you cannot force your husband to have the same morals as you – all you can do is provide alternative.  So let your light shine (Matt 5:14-16), pray for wisdom (Jas 1:5), and stand firm by your convictions.  The most valuable thing you have to offer your family is your unwavering moral standard.

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Yes, I am a christian and have given my life to Christ.  I try to live a good christian life, but when I was very young, I had an abortion.  I was pushed into it by everyone that I knew, including my parents and my boyfriend.  My question is this… is one sin worse than others?  I have asked the Lord to forgive me, and I was and still am very sincere.  I believe that my sins have been forgiven, but lately I am reading things about abortion that are upsetting to me.   Please help.

Sincerely,
Regretful

Dear Regretful,

All sins are equal, but some sins have worse consequences than others.  In this life a “little white lie” may not cause you much trouble, but committing adultery will devastate your life.  However, in the eyes of God, all sin is deserving of death (Rom 6:23).  That “little white lie” will send you to hell just as much as the adultery would.  Abortion is such a heinous sin because of how deeply it affects the life and emotional state of the mother, the family, and ultimately, because it destroys a child’s life… but abortion can be forgiven through the blood of Christ.  The apostle Paul murdered christians (Acts 26:10), but Christ saved him (1 Tim 1:15).  The person that had an abortion is the old you… in Christ, you are a new person, and the old deeds have passed away (2 Cor 5:17).  Move forward in life with peace of mind knowing you will be reunited with your child in heaven.

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I have a question about Christmas: we all know that most people tell their kids about “Santa”.  I wanted to know what you thought about parents telling kids about this.  Is it wrong?  I guess it is a lie, and telling a lie is wrong…  I always thought that on Christmas, you should be thinking about what Jesus did for us and not be thinking about how much money we spent on each other.  I think it is not about gifts that we give each other but the gift that Jesus has already given to us.  I think that if we do give gifts, it should be from the heart and not because “Santa says you were a good boy or girl.”  I guess I am confused on the subject.  I don’t have kids, but if I ever do, I’m not sure what the right thing would be to do, and I’m sure that others out there are confused also.  That is another reason I am asking this question.  Thanks for your time and God bless!

Sincerely,
You Better Not Cry

Dear You Better Not Cry,

It is always wrong to lie; the question is whether telling your kids about Santa Claus is lying or not.  Many christians have many different views on this.  Some christians tell their children that Santa is imaginary because they feel that is honest.  Other christians allow their children to believe in Santa and simply don’t dissuade them from the notion until they ask point-blank.  No matter what, christians must in good conscience do what they believe is honest.  Lying is always wrong (Rev 21:8).  The debate isn’t over whether or not lying is a sin; the debate is over whether or not allowing your children to believe in something imaginary counts as being deceptive.  Each must do what they believe is faithful and right… it would not be good to be too dogmatic on this point.

Now let’s deal with the issue of Christmas.  Many people believe Christmas to be a spiritual holiday, but the Bible never commands us to celebrate Jesus’ birth on December 25^th (the truth is that no one knows when Jesus was born, but it was most likely in the spring or summer because the shepherds were out – Lk 2:15).  Christians are commanded to remember Jesus’ death every first day of the week (Acts 20:7, 1 Cor 11:24-25).  Christmas is not a Biblical holiday.  There is nothing wrong with celebrating it as a family holiday, but it is wrong to teach that there is a Biblical foundation to it.

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I am visiting family, and my sister-in-law invited an older child over to play with my daughter.  This child’s parents must use the phrase, “Oh, my God” often because the child said it a couple times.  My daughter has been taught not to say this, and at breakfast, she said, “(child’s name omitted) is using bad words.”

My reactionary reply was, “(child’s name omitted) is a bad-bad.”  This made for an awkward moment with this boy sitting at the breakfast table with his aunt & uncle close by who were watching him for the day.

I missed a moment to teach why we do not say, “Oh, my God” to the child and his relatives.  However, I’m not sure I would have explained it sufficiently if I would have tried.

Where in the Bible does it state using this phrase flippantly is wrong?

Sincerely,
Catch Phrase

Dear Catch Phrase,

In the Old Testament, it says to “not take the Lord’s name in vain” (Ex 20:7); it is the third commandment.  In the New Testament, we are told to “let not the name of God and the doctrine be blasphemed” (1 Tim 6:1).  The New Testament also says to treat God with reverence (Heb 12:28).  When we have an attitude of reverence towards God, we won’t use His name as a cuss word.  You are doing well to teach your child to hold God’s name in reverence and honor.  You’ve been doing the right thing… the verses back you up.

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Hi.  Not sure what to do; my daughter is now eleven-years-old, and her friend is into the peace symbol.  She has it everywhere, her clothes, her room, just everywhere; my daughter is starting to like it; my wife doesn’t mind it; she likes it also.  For some reason, I do not like it.  I do not even like seeing it.  It bothers me when I see my daughter wearing it.  There is no other sign but the CROSS; Jesus is our Prince of Peace.  I know it represents peace.  I worry; will they mistake that peace for the peace sign that she wears?  I just do not know what to do.  How can that sign represent peace?  I am worried about her.  I just don’t want anything that will dim her light.  I want her to be as close to God as possible, but I don’t know what to do.  One thing I always remember is not to bring your children to anger; they will be discouraged.  I talked to her, told her how I felt, and she still wants to keep it, and my wife likes it.  She says there is nothing wrong with it.  What do I tell them?  Do I just over look it?  Would like some advice.

Sincerely,
No Outer Peace

Dear No Outer Peace,

Eph 6:4 could be summarized in the idea “pick your battles as a parent”.  This is not a battle worth picking.  The peace symbol is not a religious symbol (although, there have been times where it represented a fanatical worldview), and symbols are not in contradiction to Christ.  National flags are symbols, and yet, they are permissible (1 Pet 2:13-14); many, many, christians proudly wave the American flag in front of their homes without ever wavering in their allegiance to Christ above all others.  The peace symbol simply means ‘peace’ – it is up to your child and your family to give context to that term.

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My daughter left home and moved in with a boyfriend.  She is doing everything a married couple would do, including sleeping with him.  If they both get married after living together for months, does that erase all the sin they have committed?  I was always taught living together before marriage is a sin.

Sincerely,
Vexed Mother

Dear Vexed Mother,

Living together before marriage is a sin (see “Living Together” for more specifics on that topic).  If they get married, it won’t erase the previous sins of fornication… it will only prevent further sinning.  The only thing that can erase sin is the blood of Christ (Heb 13:12).  Until your daughter and her boyfriend commit their lives to Christ, all of their sins remain on their records.  All mankind has sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Rom 3:23).  If your daughter ever does become interested in talking about spiritual things, here is a list of several articles and resources that you might find useful:

“Does God Exist?”

“God Is Alive”

“Gute Enough For Gutenberg”

“What Must I Do To Be Saved”

“Preacher Interrogation”

“Finding A Church”

Also, sermons.mvchurchofchrist.org (our downloadable sermon catalog) has multiple lessons that might be helpful to her.

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I was told recently by my pastor that an elder should always put his congregation first, even before his wife.  I believe that to be incorrect.  I always thought that we should all place God first, our spouses second, and our children third, and that is the model for a christian family.  I believe that to be one of the most significant examples to your congregation.  Am I correct, or am I wrong about this?

Sincerely,
Ducks In A Row

Dear Ducks In A Row,

You are right.  The Scriptures are clear that being an elder is a voluntary position (1 Tim 3:1).  A man can resign from the eldership, but he can’t resign from his marriage or his family.  God makes it clear that when a man marries, a large portion of his life becomes dedicated to caring for his wife’s needs (1 Cor 7:32-34).  Furthermore, husbands are clearly told that they must care for their wives as much as they care for their own bodies (Eph 5:28).  A man is a husband for life; he is an elder by choice for a time.

His relationship with his children is also not optional.  A father has various responsibilities to his offspring (Eph 6:4, Col 3:21, Heb 12:9, etc.).

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My question is: when a pregnant woman gets baptized in water, how does that baptism affect the unborn fetus “spiritually”… considering that the Bible states that the soul is created upon conception, not birth?  So technically, is the unborn baby getting baptized also?

Sincerely,
Wet Womb

Dear Wet Womb,

The baptism wouldn’t affect the child at all.  Baptism doesn’t mean anything unless the person is believing (Mk 16:16) and repentant (Acts 2:38).  Since it is impossible for an infant to believe or repent… the child would not be affected by the baptism in a spiritual way.  On top of that, a child doesn’t need to be saved – which is the purpose of baptism (1 Pet 3:21).  Feel free to read “What About The Children?” for further details on the spiritual condition of children.

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Dear preacher, my name is (blank), and I am a christian.  I trust your competence and knowing of the Scriptures, and I would like to ask you one very serious question.  At least, it is very serious for me.  I am married to a non-christian girl.  She does not want to know about God and about the Bible even though she respects my faith and is not against me attending the church meetings.  We are going to have a child soon, Lord willing.  She wants to baptize the child according to Russian Orthodox tradition in the Russian Orthodox church.  I tried to explain to her that this is not according to the Bible, that this is not what God wants, and that this is not true baptism because the child cannot even understand what is being done with him… she insists on baptizing the child, which, Lord willing, is to be born soon.  What should I do in this case as a christian?  Should I let her baptize the child if she really insists on this?  I do not know what to do… I want to save our family… I really want to save our family.

When she told me that she wanted to baptize the child in the Russian Orthodox church, I told her that if she really believes in this (in the necessity of baptism of infants) – I cannot stop her from doing this… I told her that if she wants to do this – I’d let her do this, but I will not do anything to support her.  I will not even take her with our car to the Russian Orthodox church for this purpose.

I also told her that when our child reaches certain age, I will take him to the children’s Bible classes at our congregation, so that he would be able to know about God from the very early years of his life.  She told me that she will not let me do this – if I do this, she will leave me and will take the child with her.  I am in great despair at this moment.  I want to save our family, but it seems that if she does not change her attitude – this will not be possible.

Sometimes, I want to tell her that if she really insists that she will not let me take the child to the children’s Bible classes – she should leave me right now.  Should we get divorced based on 1 Corinthians 7?  I never thought that she would become so hard-hearted.  She believes that the commandments of the Lord in the Bible make people limited and cause them not to enjoy their life in full.

I have made certain mistakes as a person not really experienced in marriage, but each time I asked her to forgive me, it seems like she forgave me.  In the same way, she made mistakes… which I forgave.  But I do not know what to do in this case.  I really need your help and your advice.

Sincerely,
Unorthodox Father

Dear Unorthodox Father,

Our heart really and truly goes out to you – you are obviously “unequally yoked” in spiritual matters (2 Cor 6:14).  There is no simple answer in this case, but there are some principles that you should consider.

1. You are the spiritual head of your household, and you have a responsibility to guide your family in God’s ways (Eph 5:23).
2. This responsibility means that you must behave as Christ does towards His church – sacrificially and lovingly.  Being a husband means that you must pick your battles; be the first to forgive and the first to show kindness (Eph 5:28-29).  The spiritual direction of your child’s life is a battle worth picking, but if you are constantly fighting over less important things… the issues that matter won’t be treated with the gravity that is necessary.
3. If she does baptize the child in the Russian Orthodox church – it won’t matter.  The child will get wet, but it won’t affect its soul.  Take comfort in that.
4. You mentioned 1 Cor 7 – if she wants to leave, you can let her go (1 Cor 7:15), but that doesn’t mean you should hope that she leaves.  As long as she wants to be married to you – even with your religious convictions – you need to try and make your marriage work (1 Cor 7:12).  As frustrated as you are right now, you never know if your good behavior might get her to see the light (1 Cor 7:16).

In short, hang in there.  Stand your ground on moral principles and give way on matters of opinion.  The Lord will bless you, and your child, in your faithfulness (Rom 8:28, 1 Cor 7:14).

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Is there any where in the Bible that dictates how many children to have?

Sincerely,
Three or Twelve?

Dear Three or Twelve,

No, the amount of children that a married couple has together is a matter of personal preference.  God never stipulates how many children a couple can (or cannot) have.  There are examples of faithful married couples having no children (such as Hannah and Elkanah – 1 Sam 1:1-2), and there are examples of faithful couples having a dozen children (like Jacob’s family – Gen 35:22).

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Is it Biblically wrong for a married couple (with no fertility issues or anything like that) to simply choose not to have kids?  I know in the Old Testament that God said to be fruitful and multiply; is anything like this found in the New Testament?

Sincerely,
Just The Two Of Us

Dear Just The Two Of Us,

No, it isn’t a sin.  Although there is some debate over whether the command to be fruitful and multiply – which was given to Adam and Eve (Gen 1:22) and also to Noah’s family (Gen 9:1) – still applies, it is generally understood that this command does not apply to us today.  The world has been “replenished” from the days of Noah, and the concept of multiplying to fill the earth is not addressed in the New Testament.  Although the most common pattern will always be for married couples to have children, it is not a sin for a couple to have no children.

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Is there any Biblical objection to homeschooling your children?  Didn’t Jesus teach that we should go out into the world and spread His word? How can we do that if we only interact with other christians?

Sincerely,
John Q. Public School

Dear John Q. Public School,

Public school, homeschooling, co-ops, etc. are all Biblically permissible.  Each parent must make their own decision as to what is best for their child(ren) (Eph 6:1-4).  Homeschooling is not synonymous with avoiding interaction with the world.  Just as public schooling is not synonymous with feeding your children to the world.  Each family must make the decisions that are best for them, using wisdom to discern between good and evil for their children (Heb 5:14).

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Is it possible to be a Christian and not spank your children?  Doesn’t the Bible tell us that if we spare the rod, we hate our children?

Sincerely,
A-Rod

Dear A-Rod,

The verse you are referring to is Pr 13:24.  It is true that parents must discipline their children.  It is also true that the Bible has absolutely no problem whatsoever with spanking (Pr 22:15).  Spanking won’t kill your child, nor will it hurt their little psyches, no matter what today’s current psychological theorists might say (Pr 23:13).  So if you spank your children, you are making a perfectly sound Biblical choice.

However, your question didn’t deal with those who spank their kids; it dealt with those who don’t.  We wouldn’t use any of the previously cited verses to say that you must spank your child to discipline them.  Proverbs teaches general principles, not specific techniques.  If we use those verses for specific techniques, then we would have to say spanking with anything but a rod was unbiblical.  The principle of Proverbs is that children need discipline – sometimes harsh discipline.  It is a parent’s job to train their child for the way that they should live (Pr 22:6).  Each individual parent must decide on the specific techniques needed to reach the goal of properly disciplining and training their children up in the Lord.

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My question is in regard to taking fertility medicine to conceive a child.  I have a hormonal imbalance that makes me have difficulty conceiving.  I took medicine after trying to conceive for over a year.  It worked for me, and I had a beautiful son.  I feel like God sent him to me, and he is a blessing, but in the back of my mind, I wonder if God thinks it was okay for me to take the medicine to have him.  I just want to know… is it okay to take fertility drugs to conceive a child in the eyes of the Lord?

Sincerely,
Baby Boom

Dear Baby Boom,

God condones taking medication for our health problems.  Paul told Timothy to take some wine for his stomach (1 Tim 5:23).  The sick were told to have the elders pray over them and anoint them with oil – oil was used as a medicine (Jas 5:14).

We know that medicine is perfectly appropriate when you are sick.  Though some feel uncomfortable using fertility drugs (and you should never do anything that goes against your conscience – 1 Tim 1:5), the argument can be made that fertility medication is just like using aspirin or any other medical technique to improve human health and body function.  Enjoy the blessing of your baby boy, and thank God for him (Col 4:2).

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Should you co-sign for your adult children to purchase a car?  Or illegally rent a car in your name for them to drive?

Signed,
Loan Agent

Dear Loan Agent,

You should never co-sign for anybody, and you should never do anything illegal.  God tells us to obey the laws of the land (Rom 13:1-4).  If you commit fraud in renting a car for your child, you are sinning.

Co-signing is similarly wrong.  Co-signing is the act of agreeing to take responsibility for paying the debts of someone else.  In essence, the bank has said that your child is too high of a risk to loan money to.  When you co-sign for them, you are saying that you are taking the risk that the bank is unwilling to.  God says that this is a very bad idea (Pr 17:18).  He also promises that you will suffer for it (Pr 11:15).  If you have co-signed for something, God tells you to do whatever it takes to get out of that situation (Pr 6:1-5).  Eventually, your children will be able to purchase that vehicle on their own.  It is a good thing for them to bear the burden of working for things on their own (Lam 3:27).  As it’s been said, “It builds character.”  Of course, you also always have the option of simply giving them the money if you feel they need it so badly.

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I long to have children, and I feel like it is my call in life to be a mother, but my husband does not want kids.  He is very adamant about not having children, EVER!  This is not what we had planned and certainly not something that I agree with.  How lonely would it be when we are older and our families are gone and we have no kids of our own to visit with and talk to.  What do I do?  I have tried prayer and talking to him.  I don’t know if I can deal with never having children.  Any advice?

Sincerely,
Baby Mama

Dear Baby Mama,

The longing of the female soul for children is as old as the world.  Ever since Eve became the mother of all living, women have wanted children (Gen 3:20).  Leah used children as the benchmark of whether she was a successful wife (Gen 29:32).  God also says that he opened Leah’s womb as a comfort and blessing to her (Gen 29:31).

Rachel was bereaved that she could not have children, and she, like you, fought with her husband over that issue (Gen 30:2).  Women unable to have children (for whatever reason) are very often vexed by a deep emotional burden.  In fact, childbearing is so entrenched in the psyche and feminine culture that women sometimes measure one another by their children; Peninnah often provoked Hannah because she had no children (1 Sam 1:6).

In fact, Hannah is an excellent example of how to deal with the sorrow of not having children.  Hannah never stopped loving her husband and maintaining a godly relationship with him (1 Sam 1:4-5).  Elkanah, her husband, didn’t understand why children were so important to Hannah, and it is likely your husband doesn’t either (1 Sam 1:7-8).  Hannah prayed constantly for God to find a way for her to have children; she prayed in her sorrow, and she prayed in hope (1 Sam 1:10).

Trust in the Lord, be a godly wife, continue to pray, and study the Scriptures with your husband on this topic, but ultimately you must learn to be content in whatever state you are in (Php 4:11).  May the Lord bless you in your difficult struggle.

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Two of my children left home to live with their father that has not been in their lives all their lives (my son is seventeen and daughter thirteen).  They feel like I have to many rules, and he has none.  Their father is not saved and does not go to church.  I know this will be a big mistake.  I want my children home, but like God, I want to choose the right thing.  What do I need to study and pray about to have them to see the light and come home before it is too late, or should I just let it be?  Help!

Sincerely,
The Unpopular Parent

Dear The Unpopular Parent,

Of course you want your children home, but forcing them to come home won’t work either.  Hammering them with Bible verses probably isn’t going to be your best option.  Since they have the option of choosing where they live, and since they are old enough to make the decision on their own… their lives are in their own hands to a certain degree.  You have been a light in their life (Php 2:15), and you have tried to train them up in a way that is pleasing to God (Pr 22:6).  Now they will have to decide who they want to become.

At some point, everyone has to work out their own salvation (Php 2:12).  Your children, for better or worse, are now entering that stage of life.  Continue to be a loving, godly example to them and let your influence work.  Your children are already greatly blessed with an advantage because their mother is a christian (Pr 20:7).  You have done your best to provide them with the tools to succeed, and now it is their turn to ask and seek for themselves (Matt 7:7).

Continue to pray (1 Thess 5:7), continue to teach them when possible (Deu 11:19), and then be still and know that the future is in the Lord’s hands (Ps 46:10).

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I am having a baby, but I am not married to her father.  My father said that this will be his child, not ours, if we don’t get married.  He’s a christian.  But is this in the Bible somewhere?!  If not, what can I say to him?

Sincerely,
Mad Mama

Dear Mad Mama,

There is a great deal involved in your situation, but you have only asked us to handle one piece of your difficult puzzle.  For the sake of clarity, we will only deal with the specific question of whether or not the baby belongs to you or your parent.

The baby does belong to both you and its father.  If for no other reason then the laws of the land stipulate that the biological parents, unless deemed legally unfit, have rightful guardianship over the child.  The Bible says to obey the laws of the land (1 Pet 2:13).  There is no Scripture that would provide a grandparent with the authority to take a child from the parent.  Having said that, there are quite likely some extraneous details that are involved in your situation that you are not making us aware of.  Anytime children are born outside of marriage there are thousands of issues involved because of the traumatic circumstances surrounding that child’s birth.  The Bible issue is clear; it is your baby… and your responsibility to do whatever is necessary to give that child a godly rearing (Pr 22:6).

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My ex adopted three kids after we divorced.  I have tried to be a dad figure in their lives.  I have decided to start dating, and ex says I can no longer see the kids.  They have all had horrible dads that were abusive or absent.  I don’t want to be another person that walks out on them.  Will God judge me for not being there even though I want to be but can’t because of my ex?  Am I selfish to want to move on with my life?  I love these kids, and they tell friends that I am their dad.

Sincerely,
Distant Dad

Dear Distant Dad,

You can only do what you can do.  If you can be involved in their lives, even in a small way – you should.  Even though you aren’t their biological father, they view you that way.  You have a responsibility to do whatever you can to be involved and do good in their lives (Gal 6:10).

Having said that, it sounds like you don’t have a lot of control over the issue.  God only holds us accountable for what we are capable of doing (2 Cor 8:11-12).  You must be ready and willing to be involved, but if your ex-wife forbids you from being involved, you are no longer bound.

Pray about this issue (1 Thess 5:17).  Ask God for wisdom and petition your ex-wife for the opportunity to continue to do what you know is right.  After that, trust the Lord and find peace that He will make all things work together for good (Rom 8:28).

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I currently work outside of the home, but many of my friends tell me that a christian woman cannot have a job.  Does God say that I have to be a stay-at-home mom?

Sincerely,
Overworked

Dear Overworked,

Being a stay-at-home mom is a job – a very important one – that shouldn’t be neglected.  The Bible never says that a woman can’t work outside the home; in fact, it gives many examples of faithful women working secular jobs.  Lydia was a seller of beautiful fabric (Acts 16:14).  The worthy woman of Proverbs 31 is depicted as buying and selling land (Pr 31:16).  The problem isn’t with women working outside of the home; it is when women neglect their homes and families.

God tells us that older women are to train younger women to be “workers at home”, “love their children”, and “love their husbands” (Tit 2:3-5).  Paul told Timothy that women are to “rule the household” (1 Tim 5:14).  Both of these verses indicate that women play a pivotal and central role in running the home.  As much as men are admonished to provide and lead their families, women are taught to not neglect the sphere of the home and family.  Pr 14:1 says that women should build their homes and invest effort and time into establishing those homes.

If a woman works outside of the home (which is perfectly scriptural), she must make sure that she does not neglect the home.  Proverbs 31 shows us what an important and wonderful job being a wife and a mother can be.  A woman who dedicates herself to her family will be pleasing to God, and her family will rise up and call her “blessed” (Pr 31:28-31).

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If I don’t have my child christened, will he go to hell?

Sincerely,
Nervous Mother

Dear Nervous Mother,

All children go to heaven.  David’s son died and went to heaven (2 Sam 12:23).  ‘Christening’, also known as ‘infant baptism’, is nowhere to be found in the Bible.  Children are not baptized; adults are.  Baptism is only for believers (Mk 16:16).  You must be old enough to understand and repent (Acts 2:38).  Infants can neither believe nor repent.  It is adults, men and women, who hear the gospel news and then obey it through baptism (Acts 8:12).  Baptism must be requested by the individual wanting it (Acts 8:36)… babies cannot request baptism.  All babies go to heaven; baptism is for those of us who have grown up, rebelled, sinned, and need our sins removed (Acts 22:16).

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My wife and I raised two wonderful God-fearing children who both married christian spouses.  My son, after several years of marriage and three small children, began to “cheat” on his wife and lie to us.  She divorced him on grounds of adultery and the church withdrew fellowship as he was unrepentant.  This was very painful for his mother and me to endure, especially as our unbelieving families could not understand the church’s (and our) take on discipline of the ungodly.  My son now wants to “normalize” relations with me as his father (which I desire as well), but continues to live in sin and proclaim his hatred for Christianity.  I have seen many christian parents ignore the instruction to withdraw from the ungodly when it is their adult-child being disciplined.  My son does not want me to compromise my faith, but wants me to accept his lifestyle and renew our father-son relationship.  What should I do?

Sincerely,
Hurting Father

Dear Hurting Father,

It appears that you have answered your own question at the end of your letter. We will point that out later, but first we will give some Bible teachings that might help you make the right decision.  Your letter explains a very difficult dilemma that some Christians have to face because we are commanded to “withdraw from” (2 Thess 3:6, 1 Cor 5:1-13) and “have no company with” an ungodly christian.  We are to do this for the sinner’s own good, hoping it will bring shame on them and they will repent (2 Thess 3:14). This, then, is really a loving thing to do even though it is a hurtful and sorrowful act for all people involved.  As we look at the other side of the coin, we have teachings concerning family relationships that do not apply when you deal with a non-family member.  We are to care for our own family (1 Tim 5:8).  Children are to honor their parents (Eph 6:2, Matt 15:4).  These are relevant passages when a parent is dealing with a young, ungodly child.  However, the passages do not seem to apply to you since you are the parent and since your son is no longer dependent on your care.

Now, back to your own comments. Here are some things we notice in your personal analysis of the problem that we think are significant.  You say your son is not interested in repentance but continues to live in sin and proclaim his hatred for Christianity.  You said he only wants to “normalize” relations with you as his father.  In other words, there is no sorrow or repentance involved – which is the very purpose of any “withdrawal” action.

You also expressed your true feelings when you said, “I have seen many Christian parents ignore instruction to withdraw from the ungodly when it is their adult-child being disciplined.”  Your statement shows that you believe you did what was right; therefore it would involve a conscience problem if you decide to do exactly the opposite (Rom. 14:22-23).  If you violate your conscience, you know that you are sinning.  Your last sentence is also very revealing and shows there will be a conscience problem.  You said, “My son does not want me to compromise my faith but wants me to accept his lifestyle.”  First, this is an impossibility, and second, it shows that you would be compromising your faith if you did so.

This is a painful situation, and we here at AYP express our sympathy for you and pray that you will make the right decision as you consider the Scriptures and your conscience on this matter.

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My wonderful husband and I are expecting our first child.  His parents are hoping for a biblical name.  My husband and I would like to name this baby after one of my grandparents, and none of them have names from the Bible.  My husband remembers his mother once saying that if a person doesn’t have a biblical name, God doesn’t approve of them.  There can’t be any truth to this, can there?

Sincerely,
Hoping for Henry Or Pearl

Dear Hoping For Henry Or Pearl,

No, there isn’t any truth to this.  Many people name their children after people from the Bible, but our names do not define us; our actions do.  It is the memory of the choices we make in our lives that determine who we are; a name in and of itself is just window-dressing (Pr 10:7).  Even the church in Sardis relied too much on the reputation their name brought and was condemned for it (Rev 3:1).  Inversely, John the Baptist was given a name that had no meaning whatsoever to his family (Lk 1:60-63), and yet he was considered the greatest prophet of his day (Matt 11:11).  Name your children whatever you like, but make sure and train them up in God’s ways (Pr 22:6).  If they grow up and live faithfully, their name shall become a blessing.

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I have a friend that is a christian, but the father of her child is not.  They no longer date, but she still cares for him.  He will not work or spend time with his child.  He does not give the child financial support.  He studied the Bible for a short time but lost interest because nothing changed in his life.  Apart from her own interests, she still wants to be with him for the child’s sake.  He wants to control her and does not want her to date other guys.  He becomes very upset when she dates christian guys.  What does the Bible say about their relationship? And what advice can I give her according to the Bible?

Sincerely,
Aiding A Friend

Dear Aiding A Friend,

As we often say when we answer these types of questions – we here at AYP will avoid the details of the personal aspect of this question and deal primarily with the Bible one.  There is no quick and easy answer for the personal side that can be addressed through a website.  These kinds of problems take godly friends, faith, and time to sort out.

The emotional baggage involved with this situation is sticky, but the Bible facts are simple.  She is not married to this man and has ZERO responsibility to date/court/marry someone that meets his approval.  An ungodly man disliking godly choices is nothing new (Jhn 3:20).  Without dwelling upon the past choices that led her to having a child with a man she is not married to, it is fair to say that she will only find a good life for herself and her child if she makes better choices… godly choices (Gal 6:7-9).  She needs to begin sowing a better life for herself.  The only hope she has of finding a life that is good for herself (and for her child – Pr 22:6) is to begin to fear God and keep His commandments above all else (Ps 111:10).  Only when we prize God above all other relationships do we succeed in life.  Serving Christ often brings great strife into our lives, but ultimately it bears the fruit of long-term peace (Gal 5:22).  Even though it sets us at odds with those around us, including loved ones, we must press on and endure, so that we might be found worthy of Christ (Matt 10:34-38).  Christianity is about making Bible choices regardless of how hard they might seem.

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I understand the Bible stands opposed to abortion.  However, does that same stance apply to egg or sperm donation or receiving a donation of that sort?  Adoption is always an answer to infertility, but could this be one as well, or it is changing God’s natural order too much?

Sincerely,
In-Vitro Inquirer

Dear In-Vitro Inquirer,

The sanctity of life must be observed at all times because all new life is made after the image of God (Gen. 1:26).  It is not the in-vitro fertilization that is wrong.  The wrong is in any purpose of man that does not treat a new life as a person in God’s own image.  Technology is constantly changing, and technological advances are not inherently bad… as long as they are used in a way that respects God’s laws.  God gave mankind dominion over the world to subdue it and use it in whatever way we see fit (Gen 1:28).  Automobiles, computers, cell phones, the internet, nuclear power, etc. are all wonderful things if used in a godly way… and potentially horrible things if used immorally.  Medical advances are no different.

A husband and wife seeking infertility treatment so that they may bear children is a perfectly appropriate use of the technological advancement that we now have.  Where we see things going wrong is when fertility treatments, in-vitro fertilization, “test tube babies”, etc. are used to further things like homosexual couples having children, organ farming (where they grow babies to dissect them for stem cells or body parts), cloning/human testing, and other malicious and immoral behavior.  Oftentimes, clinics will fertilize multiple eggs and then destroy the ones that are not used – this is no different than abortion.  Ultimately, artificial fertilization procedures must be undertaken with extreme caution and regard for the lives that will be created.  These lives are children and deserve the future, homes, parents, and opportunities that God intended for all children to have.

Medical science has gotten itself into a lot of trouble because mankind does not value human life the way God does.  Every child – even as early as the moment of fertilization – should be treated with the utmost care and devotion.  Children are to be cherished.  Technology does not cause sin; sin is caused when people use technology in an immoral way.

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Well, I’m 23; I already have two kids out of wedlock (four years old and one year old); their father and I broke up. I’m staying with my aunt, and I have gotten myself pregnant by another man who wants nothing to do with this. Should I keep this baby?? Part of me believes God gave me this baby for a reason, and it’s still a blessing, and He wouldn’t give me anything if He wouldn’t help me out… but part of me doesn’t want to bring this baby into the world, and I can’t financially take care of it in the best way, and I don’t want to deprive my two kids already. It would be almost impossible for me to give my child away to someone else (adoption) after carrying it the whole time and bonding with it. What should I do?? I have been asking God, but I don’t know how to hear His answer for me… please help me and don’t judge me. Thank you so much.

Sincerely,
A Family Alone

Dear A Family Alone,

You obviously recognize that you’ve got a great deal of problems and struggles ahead of you, but harming an innocent child won’t make things easier. God provides all of the answers to life in the Bible (2 Pet 1:3). The Bible teaches very clearly that abortion is wrong. A baby in the womb is just as much a life as it is when it leaves the womb. John the Baptist leapt in his mother’s womb and was referred to as a baby (Lk 1:41). Even in your statement, “Should I keep this baby?” – you recognize that it is a human being that you carry in your womb. That life is precious and made in the image of God like all human life (Gen 1:26).

The technical answer is that it is wrong for you to get the abortion. But there is more that you need to know. If you have the courage to bring your child into this world, God will bless you for that decision. When we are faithful, God doesn’t allow us to be tempted beyond what we are able (1 Cor 10:13). Even though you will face many trials as you struggle through the days and years ahead, God will take care of you and your children. God always provides for the needs of the righteous (Ps 37:25). It won’t always be easy, but you will be taken care of. God will cause all things to work together for your good… even this struggle will become a blessing if you trust God (Rom 8:28). We here at AskYourPreacher are praying for you as you show the courage to obey God and raise your children faithfully (Pr 22:6).

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My grandchildren have told me several times that one of their friends uses some by-words that sound pretty bad. They also said that the parents use these words, so the friend thinks the words are okay. The words used also included a racial slur. Since these people are christians, and I am sure this is not appropriate language, what, if anything, can these young people say to their friend about the language without upsetting the parents?

Sincerely,
Watch Your Mouth

Dear Watch Your Mouth,

By-words or euphemism are used today as “soft” swearing. Instead of actually using a four-letter word or the Lord’s name in vain, people will alter those words (often by only changing a letter or two) to expressions more socially acceptable. The problem is that the meaning still remains the same. It is very similar to when television stations bleep-out bad language – everyone still knows what was intended.

Christians are supposed to avoid all unwholesome speech and crass language (Eph 4:29). Our language should always edify and build up other people. This is exactly why euphemisms and by-words are bad for christians to use. The euphemisms have the same intent as the ‘swear’ words. We should always talk in such a way that we impart grace and goodness to those who listen (Col 4:6). Secondarily, euphemisms give enemies of the gospel an opportunity to condemn christians. When we use by-words, our enemies can argue that christians are only using a language loop-hole; the intent behind our words is the same. Paul tells us to carefully watch our language, so that we never give enemies of Christ the opportunity to condemn us (Tit 2:8).

As for what your grandchildren can say to their friend… not much can be said. They can always request that their friend not use words like that around them and then explain why. You can remind your grandchildren that a true friend won’t use words to purposefully offend. Even if the friend will stop out of respect for your grandchildren, it is a step in the right direction. Unfortunately, euphemisms are so common amongst God’s people that it will take a lot of teaching and time to rid christians of the habit.

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My son and his “girlfriend” are coming to our house for a four-day visit. They have been living together for eight years and are not married.  Neither one is living a godly life.  My question: how do we handle the sleeping arrangements? And what do we tell them? They are arriving in a couple of days, and we need to handle this matter gently in order to keep our relationship. They have not spent an overnight at our house and limit their visits, and I’m sure this is the reason.

Sincerely,
Empty Nester

Dear Empty Nester,

You cannot aid them in a sinful relationship. Their eight-year relationship is sinful and tragic. It is understandable that you want to keep a working relationship with them, but you can’t keep that relationship by compromising your morals. If you wish to live a godly life, you can’t yoke yourself to ungodly behavior (2 Cor 6:14). If your son were involved with the sin of murder, would you harbor him from the law? Though more socially acceptable, what they are doing is just as sinful.

Your relationship with them is strained because you choose a path of morality that makes them uncomfortable (Jhn 3:20). You can remove the strain from the relationship simply by ceasing to care about godliness. Of course, that would remove the value of your influence in their lives. You are indeed the salt of their life that constantly reminds them of their responsibility to their Creator (Matt 5:13). Make your stand and speak the truth in love (Eph 4:15). Regardless of what they choose, you can sleep with a clear conscience knowing that you obeyed God rather than men (Act 5:29).

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I was baptized as an infant in my parents’ church.  I know that baptism is supposed to be an (adult) individual’s decision to follow the calling of God and to repent of an (adult) individual’s sin.  Still, I can’t help but think that my baptism was at least partially valid since it was done in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.  If/when I get baptized as an adult, could it be a baptism that is done just to make sure I’m saved – so not necessarily to be re-baptized, but as a just-in-case?

Sincerely,
Not A Little Kid Anymore

Dear Not A Little Kid Anymore,

There is no authority or example of infant baptism in the Bible. Infant baptism does nothing but get the child wet (and often crabby). The fact that it was done “in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit” doesn’t make a difference. To do something ‘in the name of God’ is to proclaim that you are doing it by the authority of God. Many people proclaim to do things by God’s authority and yet are completely wrong. Jesus Himself said that many people will say that they had God’s authority and yet will be rejected by God on the Day of Judgment (Matt 7:21-23). Infant baptism is a great example of this principle. God never condones or commands infants to be baptized, and yet (sadly) many, many churches do it and claim that they do it by God’s authority. Infant baptism is a false teaching, pure and simple. It ignores the authority of the Scriptures (1 Jhn 4:6).

Biblical baptism is for those capable of repenting (Acts 2:38). It is an adult decision and is a requirement for salvation (1 Pet 3:21, Mk 16:16). This is the only baptism that can truly be said is done “in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit” (Matt 28:19). If someone has been baptized in this way, they never need to be re-baptized. If you haven’t been baptized in this way… you never were really baptized into Christ’s baptism in the first place.

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Was there ever a time that the churches of Christ taught that artificial birth control was always sinful?  Can you tell me the earliest teaching you can identify within the churches of Christ that teaches that artificial birth control is permissible?

Sincerely,
History Lessons

Dear History Lessons,

Your question assumes that the title ‘church of Christ’ is the name of a denomination with a unified creed and leadership – it isn’t. The name ‘church of Christ’ is taken directly from the Bible (2 Thess 1:1). The church belongs to Christ because He purchased it with His blood (Acts 20:28). Though some groups that use the title ‘church of Christ’ are denominations, our congregation professes to only stand by the Bible and nothing else, just like the churches of the first century. Each congregation was independently led by elders and commended to the Lord’s guidance (Acts 14:23). Many people have attempted to classify these kinds of churches as another denomination (a quick Google or Wikipedia search shows the ways people have tried to define these congregations), but ultimately they are simply groups that have all independently asserted to use the Bible (and the Bible only) as their standard of measure.

The New Testament’s teachings on birth control (see this post for more on that topic) are the only place I can direct you to regarding the church of Christ’s teachings on the topic. Each individual person and congregation must study the Scriptures and rightly divide the Word concerning the subject of birth control (2 Tim 2:15)… as we seek to on any topic. There is no board of directors, theological center, or creed book that decides for us. God’s people should be beholden to His Word and His Word only. A faithful congregation turns to the Scriptures and imitates the first century church seen in the Bible. May Christ alone be our head and guide (Eph 5:23).

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At what age should a parent talk to their child about the male/female relationship? It seems like public schools push the issue as soon as possible, but I would rather give my children God’s viewpoint before they are exposed to the world’s viewpoint on what is appropriate behavior. When should this discussion take place, and what would be the best way to approach it?

Sincerely,
Us Against The World

Dear Us Against The World,

Talk to your children about male/female relationships as soon as possible – in an age appropriate way. A three year old can understand that married people raise babies and that marriage is for life. Obviously, you would avoid the specifics until they are older. The Scriptures tell parents that they should be discussing life lessons with their children whenever the opportunities present themselves (Deu 11:19). You simply scale the lessons based upon age and maturity.

The world is your classroom! Use every circumstance possible to explain (in an age appropriate way) how your children should act as they get older, including how to act toward the opposite gender.

1. Even the youngest child can learn to dress modestly (1 Tim 2:9).
2. The sanctity of marriage can be taught to all ages (Mk 10:7).
3. Be sure to teach the importance of only marrying a godly spouse (1 Cor 7:39, Pr 31:10).
4. Teach them not to worry about rushing romance (Songs 3:5).
5. Show them how wives need love and husbands need respect (Eph 5:33).
6. Explain male and female roles in marriage (Tit 2:4-5, 1 Tim 5:8).

All of these lessons are a thousand times more important than the details of a sex education class found in the school system. Train them how to be adults now, and they will be ready when they get there (Pr 22:6). As topics come up naturally, explain to them God’s teachings on the subject. Every child is different, so the teaching will look different every time. But be like Philip; ask them questions (Acts 8:30-31), answer their questions (Acts 8:34), and start the teaching from wherever they are (Acts 8:35).

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Are there any scriptures in the Bible to give clues as to why parents of multiple children tend to be hardest on the oldest child, and how can we as parents avoid this pattern?

Sincerely,
Multiple Children

Dear Multiple Children,

Your question assumes that being “hard” on children is a bad thing. The Scriptures, in fact, seem to emphasize the opposite. There is only one verse that cautions parents against frustrating their children (Col 3:21); provoking children is definitely wrong. Yet there are many, many verses encouraging parents to firmly train up their children in the way of the Lord.

1. If we love our children, we chasten them (Pr 13:24).
2. Train your child and prepare them for the future (Pr 22:6).
3. Don’t withhold spanking your child (Pr 23:13).
4. Children that aren’t punished bring shame (Pr 29:15).
5. Children are to be taught obedience (Eph 6:1, Col 3:20).
6. Parents that discipline are worthy of reverence (Heb 12:9)

This isn’t to say that parents can’t be too hard on kids, but the tendency of society is typically the opposite. We are far more likely to indulge the foolish behavior of children than we are to take the time to train and chasten them. It is inconvenient to raise godly children. The key is to train them based off of the Scriptures and not out of anger or convenience. When the Scriptures are the guide to parenting, we are much more likely to be consistent with all of our children. God is a fair and just parent (Pr 11:1), and the more we study how He disciplines and loves us the better parents we become (Heb 12:6-8).

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When a person loses their spouse or child to death, how does that remaining person keep from becoming like Jacob in the book of Genesis when he lost his son Joseph, and he mourned so hard he “let his grey hair down to Sheol”?

Sincerely,
Deep In Sorrow

Dear Deep In Sorrow,

This is a great question… which is why thousands of books have been written

on the subject of grief. The statement you referred to is made by Jacob immediately upon hearing of his son’s death and when he contemplates the loss of a second son (Gen 37:35, Gen 42:38). That emotion is a normal one. When one learns of the death of a spouse or child, their first reaction is so painful and the grief is so deep that they feel they will never have another happy moment on this earth. Jacob’s first reaction was normal in this respect. Jacob later received the good news that his son was alive, so he didn’t have to go to his grave in pain.

But your question is about us today. How do we handle grief, so that we will be able to recover and find happiness again? This process of handling grief is called “Healing Grief.” It means we go through the grieving process in the right way, so we can heal. This is where those thousands of books come in, and I suggest you read many of them if you are in this condition. Some of the major things most people need to do are:

1) Go ahead and cry your eyes out. Don’t be ashamed to express your pain by crying. (Ps 6:6-7)

2) If you have a friend who will listen, talk, talk, talk. Crying and talking are very therapeutic. Don’t hold it in! Cry and talk. (Eccl 4:10)

3) Cry out to God in prayer and listen to God as He speaks to you through His Bible, especially the book of Psalms (Phil 4:6; 1 Pet 5:6-7).
4) This next one sounds funny to someone who has not been through this experience, but those who have will know what I am saying. After a few months, you will realize that you don’t want to let go of your loved one. You don’t want them forgotten. You actually hope they might, in some way, come back. At this stage, you must accept the fact that they are gone. This is not easy, but it is a big step that is necessary to healing. (2 Sam 12:22-23)

When this acceptance actually comes into your life, you will begin the final period called ‘recovery’. It is at this time that hope will come back into your life, and you will find happiness again. You are going through a grieving process God built within us humans who are made in His image… so don’t give up. Even Jesus Himself experienced this emotion (John 11:35).

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My heart is really heavy. I live near Wichita, KS where Dr. George Tiller was murdered while attending his church. I did not agree with Dr. Tiller performing abortions, but I also don’t agree with someone killing him over it. I think it is a very sad situation all the way around. I feel sorry for the congregation that was there; I feel sorry for his family; I feel sorry for the suspect’s family; I just hurt all the way around about it. Would God condone the murder of any individual, regardless of what they did? Would God want me to take matters like that in my own hands and kill someone because he needed to be stopped? Is it my place to sit and judge how he could consider himself a member of a church and provide abortions? I am just terribly confused and hurt over the whole situation. Can you please help me work through these questions and heartache?

Sincerely,
Stop the Violence

Dear Stop the Violence,

Murdering babies is wrong; murdering adults is wrong (Gal 5:21). See this previous post on why Dr. Tiller was wrong. Two wrongs do not make a right. The only one who has the right to put someone to death for their crimes is the government (Rom 13:1-4). As an individual, no matter how much you despise what someone is doing, you do not have a right to punish them. Vengeance belongs to God (Rom 12:19), not man. Christ taught that individuals should endure evil in most cases (Matt 5:39-40). Abortion is murder, but no one has a right to personally inflict punishment upon any abortionist. If the government asks you to serve on a jury, you have every right to cast your vote, but until that day you must simply pray that the Lord will watch over those babies and take vengeance when He sees fit. Regardless of what someone gets away with in this life, God will not be mocked on the Day of Judgment (Gal 6:7). Both Dr. Tiller and the gunman will have to make account of their actions.

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You have already given an excellent answer to a question about the NIV version, but I have another question. Someone once told me that the NIV was sinful because it supported babies going to hell. If so, where and how?

Sincerely,
Truth In Translation

Dear Truth in Translation,

The chapter in question is Romans chapter 8, and the phrase in question is ‘sinful nature’. The New International Version (NIV) translators use the phrase ‘sinful nature’ throughout Romans chapter 8 when all the major strict translations use the word ‘flesh’. The Greek word is ‘sarkos’ which literally means ‘flesh’. The transdenominational council (see previous post for more details) felt that ‘sinful nature’ better represented the idea that all human beings are born in sin… thus unbaptized babies would go to hell.

This blatant abuse of power by the NIV translators is used to propagate a denominational doctrine. When viewed through the NIV translation, Romans chapter 8 seems to specifically endorse the idea that all humans are born with a sinful nature – when in reality, nothing could be further from the truth. Sin is a choice, not a genetic flaw (Gen 4:6-7).

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As stated in the fifth commandment, you are to honor your father and mother. Yes, as a child growing up in the home, children are to be obedient and respectful and do as their parents say – whether that be cleaning up the room or completing chores. Yet, I have heard it said that once that child turns a certain age or moves back in after college, the parents should have less control and say over that child. For example, the child should be allowed to come and go as they please. So how much do they need to listen to their parents? Yes, as a respectful person helping out around the house as they would do in their own home as well as picking up after themselves in communal areas as agreed upon. However, do they need to make their bed every day or clean their room to their parents’ liking? And do parents have a right to demand these things or threaten to take away their child’s personal things (things that the child has bought on their own) as punishment?

Sincerely,
Too Old For Spanking

Dear Too Old For Spanking,

You are old enough to no longer heed your parent’s wishes when you are old enough to move out. The transition from parental oversight to honoring (but not necessarily heeding) your parents’ wishes is most visibly seen at the point of marriage. When someone gets married, they leave their parents and cleave to their spouse (Mk 10:7). Even if unmarried, when a child is old enough to “leave the nest”, it has the same effect as ‘leaving and cleaving.’ It sounds like your parents’ rules may be stricter than is appropriate for your age, but the fact remains that you are under their roof. Time has not made you equals, and they may have a good reason for those house rules. Take the time to understand their reasoning (Pr 23:22).

No rent, free food, free utilities, etc. gives them authority to set some ground rules regardless of age. If you are out of college and in your twenties, you have the ability to change that relationship… by moving out. Until then, you have a responsibility to abide by their house rules. Otherwise, you can always talk to them and hope to alter the house rules in a way that better suits both of your needs.

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