I have thought of suicide.  People are just so mean to me, and I don’t know what to do.  I am scared.  I am hurt.  I try to ignore all the mean comments, but I can’t.  What should I do?

Sincerely,
Down

Dear Down,

Suicide isn’t the answer; the answer is to surround yourself with better people.  We remember the days of feeling alone, neglected, and unwanted – but all that changed when we turned to the Bible.  Christians are never alone because we have the Lord as our strength and other Christians to encourage us.  God designed local congregations to build us up (Heb 10:24-25) because He knows that there are many bad influences in the world that try to corrupt us (1 Cor 15:33).  You need a faithful congregation, and we would love to help you find one full of sincere, honest people that love the Lord and love each other.  Please e-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org, so we can help you find the godly people you need in life.

What are the dangers of church hopping?

Sincerely,
Bunny Steps

Dear Bunny Steps,

Being a member of a congregation is about more than just hearing God’s Word; it is about being a committed, active participant in supporting and encouraging God’s people.  There are no examples of christians in the Bible who weren’t members of a local church.  Even the apostle Paul, with all of his traveling, was a member of the church in Antioch (Acts 11:25-26).  God tells us that part of the purpose of the church assembly is to stimulate and encourage one another to love and good works (Heb 10:24-25).  Is it enough to just stay at home and watch sermons on television or listen to ones you have downloaded from the internet?  If the only purpose of church attendance is to hear the Word, then those would be acceptable alternatives to going to church.  We are supposed to get together each Sunday and partake of the Lord’s Supper (Acts 20:7, 1 Cor 11:20), and God intended for christians to be a part of a local congregation with elders and deacons to help shepherd them (1 Pet 5:2).  God knows what is best for us, and it is in our best interest to assemble with other christians in a local church.  We are all different, and our differences help to strengthen us, protect us, and better serve Christ (Eph 4:14-16).  If all you do is “church hop”, then you don’t have the blessings of the local eldership, interwoven lives with other local saints, and participating fully in the growth of the church’s work.  Church membership isn’t just about what you get; it is about what you are able to give.

     If a man has been christian for many years and starts to miss services for many months, should he be called on to say a pray when he comes to services for the first time and has not asked to be back in fellowship with the local church?  How should the elders approach him on this matter?

Sincerely,
Perplexed From The Pew

Dear Perplexed From The Pew,

The elders should approach him with wisdom – and not approaching him might be the wise thing to do as well.  The Bible tells us to be wise as serpents and harmless as doves (Matt 10:16).  When someone is struggling in their attendance, the elders, as watchers of the flock (Heb 13:17), have a responsibility to help them.  (Having said that, all christians have a responsibility to pull alongside those who are struggling – it is just that the elders have an increased responsibility).  How the elders deal with that person is completely a matter of wisdom, and it will vary from situation to situation.  For all you know, the elders already approached this man and have dealt with him privately – that certainly would be a biblical approach (Matt 18:15-17).  The best thing to do is to either talk to this man yourself if you are worried about him, or if you are simply worried about the image of the church… talk to the elders.

      We are a small congregation with no deacons or elders.  Recently, several issues have been raised in the men’s meetings:

     Issue #1: Different men are assigned to the Lord’s table each Sunday, ages seventeen and up.  One of the men who regularly serves on the table obtained approval to use his two young sons (ages seven and nine) to help pass the plates.  They do not participate with the men at the table, only stand at the end of the rows and hand the plate from row to row. They take this duty very seriously and do a very good job. Yet, some members feel that no one should be helping serve on the Lord’s table unless they have been baptized.

     Issue #2: The offering has always been returned to the front table after collection (although the Lord’s Supper plates are taken to the back room) and, after services, is counted by two of whoever served on the table that week, which changes weekly, and therein lies the problem.  Several members are upset about the lack of confidentiality (at times, children and other family members have observed while their fathers count the offering), and, in fact, one family has withheld their offering as a result.  The decision was made to take the offering plate to a side room to count which does not completely resolve the problem of confidentiality since any two of fifteen different people are counting the money each Sunday.

     Issue #3 involves allowing men whose regular attendance is lacking, or were baptized less than a year ago, to deliver Sunday evening sermons.  More than a few members are uncomfortable with this, mostly because of the lack of Bible knowledge and potentially false impressions left with visitors.

     Issue #4: Allowing AA meetings to be held in the building (although made available to them at no cost).

I appreciate your Bible answers and words of wisdom.

Sincerely,
Counting My Concerns

Dear Counting My Concerns,

Your first three concerns are all issues of wisdom – there is no hard and fast line of right and wrong; the congregation must decide what they think is best and wisest because God gives us freedom in these areas.

There is nothing wrong with those young boys helping pass the plates.  This isn’t any different than when people sitting in the pews help pass the plate from one person to another.  The same goes with counting the collection; the Bible never says we need to guarantee people’s anonymity in giving.  In fact, there were times when Paul openly bragged about how much a congregation was prepared to give (2 Cor 8:1-2, 2 Cor 9:2).  As for men preaching, the Bible never gives a specific maturity level needed for a man to preach a lesson.  Wisdom would dictate that the younger in the faith someone is, the more cautious we should be, but once again, that isn’t a prohibition, just a concern.  In the end, with all of these issues, God tells us to do that which makes for peace and edification (Rom 14:19).  If an expediency stops being helpful, it is no longer expedient.  Typically, an eldership would handle such matters because they are qualified to watch over the souls of the congregation and delicate matters like this (Heb 13:17), and the fact that your congregation doesn’t have elders yet is a big part of what is making these issues so painful.  These are exactly the kinds of growing pains that congregations go through until they are able to appoint elders.  The only thing you can do is try and strive for unity and submission to one another in these sorts of situations (Eph 5:21, Eph 4:3).

Your fourth concern is a different matter; a congregation has no authority to use its assets (and the church building is part of its assets) to support things other than the Lord’s work.  As positive an influence as Alcoholics Anonymous can be, it isn’t the church, and it isn’t the church’s work, therefore, the church shouldn’t be using the Lord’s funds to support it.  Read “Purpose Driven Church” for further details on the church’s purpose and responsibilities.

I attend two different churches on a regular basis.  I’m not a member of either one and don’t plan on joining anytime soon.  It’s not that I don’t want to; I just don’t see the point of joining since I am still an active-goer.  Do I have to join a church?  Or is it okay since I’m still getting the Word either way?

Sincerely,
Non-Member

Dear Non-Member,

Being a member of a congregation is about more than just hearing God’s Word; it is about being a committed, active participant in supporting and encouraging God’s people.  There are no examples of christians in the Bible who weren’t members of a local church.  Even the apostle Paul, with all of his traveling, was a member of the church in Antioch (Acts 11:25-26).  God tells us that part of the purpose of the church assembly is to stimulate and encourage one another to love and good works (Heb 10:24-25).  Is it enough to just stay at home and watch sermons on television or listen to ones you have downloaded from the internet?  If the only purpose of church attendance is to hear the Word, then those would be acceptable alternatives to going to church.  We are supposed to get together each Sunday and partake of the Lord’s Supper (Acts 20:7, 1 Cor 11:20), and God intended for christians to be a part of a local congregation with elders and deacons to help shepherd them (1 Pet 5:2).  God knows what is best for us, and it is in our best interest to assemble with other christians in a local church.  We are all different, and our differences help to strengthen us, protect us, and better serve Christ (Eph 4:14-16).  If all you do is “church hop”, then you don’t have the blessings of the local eldership, interwoven lives with other local saints, and participating fully in the growth of the church’s work.  Church membership isn’t just about what you get; it is about what you are able to give.

Why do people when they are saved still become sad or angry even when there is no apparent reason?

Sincerely,
Stiff Upper Lip

Dear Stiff Upper Lip,

Becoming a christian doesn’t remove our humanity, and it doesn’t make us automatically perfect.  It isn’t a sin to be angry or sad – Jesus felt both emotions (Jhn 11:35, Jhn 2:14-16).  Also, christians aren’t immediately cured of every immaturity and sinful habit just because they are baptized.  Every christian starts out as a babe in Christ and then spends the rest of their life growing and improving (1 Pet 2:2).  Christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven (Eph 2:8).

Any advice for a christian who has stumbled along the way, repented, confessed this sin to the elders, got back up, and continued trying to fight the good fight, but left feeling the elders are disgusted, disappointed, and aloof?  It breaks my heart because my entire life I have felt rejected by my family, only to feel such love and respect from my spiritual family.  Now when the elders see me, they turn away, never shake my hand, and make me feel alienated, rejected, worthless, and so incredibly saddened by my sin; I don’t feel worthy of assembling with the saints.  I suppose this is simply the consequence of sin.  I hate myself.

Sincerely,
Isolated

Dear Isolated,

We are so very sorry for your pain.  The sting of our own actions and the consequences that come along with them can sometimes be so much more devastating than we ever thought.  Luke 18:13-14 tells the story of a man that prayed fervently and humbly over his sin to God, and God accepted him.  The same is true for you, regardless of how others treat you; remember that if you truly repent and turn to the Lord, God will exalt you.

You don’t need to hate yourself because the Lord doesn’t hate you.  Paul taught that part of being a christian is learning to accept the Lord’s view of us above our own.  Paul said that no matter how humans judged him, what mattered was God’s judgment (1 Cor 4:3-4).  It can be very hard when others are not as quick to forgive us of our sins as the Lord is, but that is life.  Think of it as an opportunity to show grace to others when they struggle with forgiveness the way you have struggled with other sins – you can be patient with them because you know what it is like to struggle to become the person you are meant to be.  Everyone has their weaknesses, and the church is full of imperfect people.

The other thing that you can do is approach the elders on this issue.  God says that if we believe our brother has something against us, we should seek to reconcile with them (Matt 5:23-24).  When you talk to them, it may or may not be that the elders are actually being aloof and purposefully rejecting you.  Sometimes, our own disgust and disappointment with ourselves causes us to interpret others’ actions as disgust and disappoint… when they don’t mean anything of the sort.  The only way to rectify things is to clear the air through communication.  You had the strength to confess your sins to them; you have the strength to discuss this problem with them.

I have a question about 1 Cor 5:1-13; when would you apply it to a member?  And if leaders of a church ignore what Paul said about handing this brother over to Satan, could they then be responsible if that sinful member loses eternal life at the Day of Judgment?

Sincerely,
Tough Love

Dear Tough Love,

1^st Corinthians chapter five discusses the process of a church withdrawing from a christian who is living a sinful life.  It is important to note that the man who Paul said needed to be disciplined was living a life that was actively and unrepentantly sinful (he had his father’s wife – 1 Cor 5:1).  That is the type of person that a church should withdraw from.  If someone is caught doing something sinful, and they continue to do that behavior without any remorse or attempt to change, the church must act.  So how do you know someone has reached that point?  Matt 18:15-17 tells us that if we know a christian is sinning, we should attempt to talk to them one-on-one.  If that doesn’t work, we should bring one or two others to attempt to further persuade the person, and lastly, if that doesn’t work, the church should rebuke the individual and withdraw from them.  The principle is that the person should be given ample opportunity to repent because you don’t want to discipline too early, but if it becomes clear that they aren’t interested in obeying God’s Word, the church must stand firm.

If the church doesn’t act, it will have to answer to God because it didn’t stand up for the truth.  Paul told the Corinthians that they were arrogant for not addressing their errant member (1 Cor 5:2), and he warned them that if they didn’t act, the church would eventually be rotted away by sin (1 Cor 5:6-7).  A church that won’t stand by the truth is bound to fall away from the Lord and cease to be a faithful church.  When someone sins, they are responsible for their own behavior, but if the church doesn’t warn them, they have sinned as well (Ezek 3:18-19).

I have a question regarding the church family.  I attend a church where there seems to be a lot of animosity between families and friends, especially women.  I know this is not how the church is supposed to act; they are supposed to be loving and accept one another no matter what.  I stay totally out of any drama that comes between other people, but I continue to find myself not being invited to other christian’s events (birthday parties, showers, general get-togethers), and I feel it is because I am a part of a particular “family” or friends with particular people.  It feels so hurtful, especially when I have made an effort to talk and invite these other families and friends to my own events.  It hurts to see that I am affected when I have nothing to do with any of it, and I don’t understand why they act so unloving towards each other.  I want my christian family to act how Christ would have us to.  It makes me feel unwelcome and disliked.  What can I do?  Why can’t we all just get along?

Sincerely,
Wallflower

Dear Wallflower,

The church has always struggled with disagreements between individuals… particularly grudges between women.  When Paul wrote to the Philippian church, he was so proud of them and considered them to be faithful, wonderful, and dear to his heart (Php 1:7-8).  In the entire Philippian letter, Paul only had one problem to address – a dispute between two women (Php 4:2).  Euodia and Syntyche were both faithful women that served the Lord with whole hearts (Php 4:3), but they had some disagreement with each other.  We say all this just to tell you that what you are experiencing has always been a battle for the Lord’s people.  Good people find themselves in disagreements, and it affects the church – even Paul and Barnabas battled it out at one time (Acts 15:37-40).

So what do we do when others don’t act the way they ought and when we feel hurt and maligned?  The first thing is to make sure you are always part of the solution and not the problem.  Don’t allow yourself to become bitter because of how others behave (Heb 12:15).  Continue to make an effort with others and don’t grow weary in doing good (2 Thess 3:13).  Change only happens when we rise above each others’ faults and strive to receive each other with love (Rom 15:7).  The other practical thing to do is to avoid gossip, slander, and murmuring against others.  Whenever there is animosity between people, it is very easy for those around to get caught up in choosing sides, passing judgment, and spreading tales.  Pr 26:20 says that a contention can’t continue to spread if people keep their tongues quiet.  You can’t change everyone else, but you can give them the benefit of the doubt (just like Paul did with those two women in Philippi), and you can try and be a vehicle for pure, forgiving love in the Lord’s church, so the future of your congregation is more unified, not less.  All you can work on is yourself and leave others to do the same.  Though the road be bumpy, when everyone works on themselves, the church is always blessed.

Why do we need to go to church?

Sincerely,
Sunday Sleeper

Dear Sunday Sleeper,

The Bible teaches that we shouldn’t forsake the assembly (Heb 10:24-25).  God designed the church so that each individual would be strengthened by the power of the whole (Eph 4:16).  God never wanted christians to try and serve Him without the support of a local church; that is why He commanded the church to assemble.  It is impossible to do God’s work without being a part of a local church.  If you would like help finding a faithful congregation in your area, e-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org.

If we are rewarded in heaven for our life on Earth, meaning that others will have more in heaven than others, will there be jealousy?  I feel like I would be jealous of others that were rewarded more than I in heaven.  I feel silly saying that because I would be thankful just to be in heaven at all, but I would feel like God loved others more than me.  Is it okay to feel like I would be jealous?

Sincerely,
Going Green

Dear Going Green,

It is true that the Bible talks about storing treasures up for yourself in heaven (Matt 6:19-21), but that doesn’t provide us with many details as to how those treasures work – the mechanics are a total mystery.  One analogy that seems to help people is to think of it like two people gathering water from a well; no matter the size of the container, the container will be full.  Storing up treasures in heaven has been described as “getting a bigger bucket”.  As we said though, this is simply speculation, and we wouldn’t be too dogmatic on the issue.

As for your concern of jealousy in heaven, we don’t know the mechanics of how heaven will work, but we do know that there will be no sin there (1 Cor 15:54-57).  Covetousness is a sin (Jas 4:2).  In this life, we struggle to rejoice in the joys of our fellow christians (Rom 12:15); sometimes it stings when we see others with more than us, but the time will come when we will shuck this mortal coil, and those fleshly temptations to covet will no longer plague us.

I attend a church of Christ congregation that has both liberal and conservative members.  We have worked hard to accommodate one another for the sake of peace, and for the most part, we have no practices that are unscriptural.  However, every second Sunday, a potluck is held in a kitchen/classroom adjacent to the auditorium.  The more conservative members, I being one, do not participate because we cannot find anywhere in the Bible where God authorizes potlucks in the church building.  Needless to say, this has caused some debate; therefore, the topic is avoided.  Is there any Bible authority or example that allows potlucks?  We are a small congregation and do not have elders.  Sometimes, I worry that by not attending these potlucks, the more liberal members feel I’m being judgmental by not fellowshipping during these potlucks, but I’ve always been taught that we must have chapter and verse for anything we do.  Also, several times, conservative visitors have happened to attend on “potluck Sunday” and have voiced their disapproval.  It’s difficult to conceal, and in fact, it is announced at the end of services that we are having a potluck – as if everyone hasn’t already been distracted by the aroma of roast beef wafting into the auditorium during services.  Please comment.  The bottom line is: I want my life to be pleasing to God and do not want to make an unrighteous judgment.  Thank you.

Sincerely,
“Potluck Sunday” Avoider

Dear “Potluck Sunday” Avoider,

We agree that the Lord’s church doesn’t have authority to use the building for potlucks, social events, etc.  You are right on this issue – there is simply no biblical precedent for the church functioning as a social organization.  The work of the church is simple, and anything that doesn’t fulfill that work shouldn’t be done.  We posted an answer to a question regarding the work of the church: read “The Purpose Driven Church” for more details on that subject.  There was a time when the church needed to hold potlucks because people traveled such long distances by horseback or foot that it was impossible for people to stay for the full day of worship unless they had a meal between… if they went home for a meal, they might as well have stayed home.  This was an appropriate use of potlucks because they were an expediency for worship.  With today’s modern transportation system and the availability of restaurants, that simply is not an issue anymore.  Today, potlucks are for the purpose of socializing, not furthering the work of the church.  If the work of the church is to socialize, we also ought to have gymnasiums, playgrounds, movie nights, etc.  The fact that potlucks are a “tamer” social event than a movie night doesn’t make them any less wrong.

Having said all of that, let’s now address the issue of your dissenting voice amongst the congregation.  Romans 14 is very clear on the subject of stronger and weaker brethren.  When one brother believes he can do something (this would be the strong brother), and another believes he can’t (the weak brother), how should those two interact with each other?  In this circumstance, you are the weak brother.  Weak doesn’t mean you are wrong or frail; it means you cannot in good conscience participate in these social gatherings.  Rom 14:1-4 says that the stronger brother should accept you without condescension or mocking because you are trying to do what you believe is right.  Rom 14:13-17 takes it one step further and says that the brother who believes he has the freedom to do something should restrain himself if it is causing his brother to stumble.  Your scenario is a good example of this.  You believe (and with good reason) that this is an inappropriate use of the Lord’s funds, and you do not desire to participate.  The congregation should (at the bare minimum) accept your conscientious choice and leave it at that.  It is our experience that the opposite is often true.  Over time, many congregations as they move toward liberalism try and pressure or demean those with dissenting views.  Satan has a way of destroying good relationships by getting more liberal-minded brethren to vigorously fight for their “rights” instead of showing a gentle demeanor with those who don’t believe we have the freedom to act so liberally.  Sadly, we have seen it time and time again.

In short, you are seeing things clearly, and you are right to be concerned.  May God bless you as you stand by your Bible-based convictions.

To follow up on your response about calling men ‘father’ (the post entitled “Parental Paradox”), are you saying it is all right to refer to men as ‘father’ as long as you are not putting them above God?  Including, not only a biological parent but even a person of spiritual fatherhood?  Some folks in my Lutheran congregation refer to our pastor as ‘father’ or ‘reverend’ or even ‘brother’ but never revere him above God as you pointed out in your post.

Sincerely,
Taking Titles

Dear Taking Titles,

In order to understand why it is wrong for religious leaders to take the name of ‘father’, we need to put that statement in context.  Jesus said to not call anyone ‘father’ (Matt 23:9) at the same time as He condemned the scribes and Pharisees for loving the praise and honor of men (Matt 23:4-6).  When ‘father, ‘rabbi’, and ‘master’ are given as titles of prestige and honor, this is exactly what Jesus was condemning.  The titles you mentioned are often used in exactly the same manner – ‘reverend’ especially.  The word ‘reverend’ is never even found in the Bible.  The only one who deserves our reverence is God (Heb 12:28).  Anytime that religious leaders take on titles like these, it is a sign that they are seeking to distinguish themselves from other christians.  This is the exact opposite of what the apostles did (Acts 10:25-26).

At our Wednesday evening services, one young lady, the daughter of a very prominent member, announced that she was going to attend a skiing party over the weekend and that they would be having services conducted by another woman in the cabin in the mountains.  Her father approves of this type of situation and has himself gone off in like manner.  They have a lot of influence with the other members, and so no one will stand up to them.  Our preacher said that he will not interrupt his schedule to deal with this trifle because “it is not bad enough”.  But he agrees that it should not be done.  What should I do?

Sincerely,
At The Bottom Of The Slope

Dear At The Bottom Of The Slope,

You should do exactly what everyone else is doing – nothing.  Some issues are clear-cut and deserve to be dealt with publicly and swiftly, but this is not one of them.  If you asked a hundred faithful christians what the best way to worship is when you are away on vacation, you will get one hundred different opinions.  Some will say you can’t go on vacation somewhere that doesn’t have a faithful congregation, others (like this family) cite Matt 18:20 as proof that it is appropriate to hold your own temporary services while away, and still others say that a vacation constitutes such a rare circumstance that it isn’t important to attend at all.  Those are three opinions that cover the entire spectrum of thought on the subject of vacation church attendance.  The truth is that the Bible is never specific on this issue.  God tells us that whenever we run into an issue of opinion, we should decide for ourselves and leave others to do the same (Rom 14:10-13).  Leave the final judgment to God and don’t allow an issue of opinion and personal judgment to cause strife among the Lord’s people (Rom 14:19).

Can a church or congregation be decorated with statues of goblins and gargoyles?

Sincerely,
Architectural Interest

Dear Architectural Interest,

Your question brings up a common misconception in today’s society.  When we look at how the Bible uses the word ‘church’, it never refers to a building – it always refers to a group of believers.  In fact, the word ‘church’ comes from a Greek word which literally translated means ‘the called out’.  The church is the group of people that have heeded Jesus’ call to repent and be baptized (Matt 28:19-20).

It is the misidentification of the church as a building that has led to increasingly ornate and filigreed places of worship.  Goblins, gargoyles, stained glasses, crystal, mahogany woodwork, and a thousand other extravagances have been placed within buildings because people have been taught that the structure is what is important… it isn’t.  The people are what matter – christians are the house of God (1 Tim 3:15).  The church, assembled christians, can meet anywhere they want.  They can meet in a park, a warehouse, a home, a rented building, or a purchased church building.  It doesn’t matter what the location is; wherever two or more christians are gathered together, God is there (Matt 18:20).

How does the church deal with a pastor and minister having a sexual relationship that the members know about (factual, not gossip)?  It has the body of the church very disturbed.

Sincerely,
Shocked By Scandal

Dear Shocked By Scandal,

The church has the responsibility to stand up against illicit affairs, especially when it is found within the church’s leadership.  Paul warned the Ephesian church that there would come a time when their leadership would behave in an evil fashion (Acts 20:28-30) and that the only answer to an openly sinful leader was to stand up against him (1 Tim 5:19-20).  We should never be hasty about church discipline (1 Tim 5:22), but we should also never show partiality toward someone just because they are in a position of authority (1 Tim 5:21).

Those who upset the church and destroy the faith of others need to be stopped.  You have no other choice but to rebuke them and withdraw from those living wickedly (1 Cor 5:13).

I have been going to church for about twenty years.  I have been around several churches and have noticed something about my current church of about three years.  I noticed the pastor is very transparent.  The church size is around 150 total and has never went over that size in the last twenty-five years.  When I first went there, a lot of growth was taking place after they brought on a new staff member.  The church grew from 85 to 200 in about 4 months, but I noticed the pastor kept doing things that offended people.  He would call people out in the middle of service, discipline them, make fun of something that had happened to them, etc.  The church has had over 325 visitors in the last three years, and only two families remain from those who visited.  Here’s my question: why does it seem my pastor has a self-destructive spirit?  It’s almost as if he does not want to succeed or is afraid to grow.  He is very grounded biblically (although says a lot of things personally that offend people) and is very evangelistic.  I don’t know how to encourage him.  He justifies everyone leaving because he is speaking “solid biblical” truth, and they don’t like it.  He does speak truth, but at the same time, will point people out and make fun of them.  It is as if you can see a switch click when there are visitors.  He will be going along preaching, then stop, and then looking right at the visitors, make an “off-the-wall” comment.  They don’t come back.  We don’t have a deacon, elder, or leadership group that can help walk with the pastor… any suggestions?

Sincerely,
Put Off By The Pastor

Dear Put Off By The Pastor,

One man leading a church without any checks or balances can create lots of problems… and that is exactly why God didn’t design the church to be run by a head pastor.  God intended for the church to be lead by a multiplicity of elders (Acts 14:23) – never by one person.  The qualifications for elders can be found in 1 Tim 3:1-7 and Tit 1:5-9.  Many, many churches are suffering from the exact same problems as your congregation because they don’t use the Bible’s pattern for church leadership.

No single individual should be left alone to guide the Lord’s church.  Even an honest person would be bound to make major mistakes without other faithful leaders to rely upon.  It is only in a multiplicity of faithful elders that we can have safety (Pr 24:6).  When churches aren’t arranged according to the Bible pattern, things don’t work.

The parable of the Prodigal Son gives us one perspective of how God views those that come back to Him and His teachings after straying and how this is a blessing and pleasing unto Him… however, 2 Peter 2:20-22 makes it seem that this is worse in God’s eyes than never following His Word in the first place.  Which is the case?  Thank you!!

Sincerely,
Looking For The Upside

Dear Looking For The Upside,

The story of the prodigal son (found in Lk 15:11-32) is the story of the lost returning to Christ… 2 Pet. 2:20-22 is the exact opposite.  Peter is talking about faithful people who return to the wickedness of sinful living.  If someone becomes a christian and then, once again, gets entangled in worldly living – they are worse off than they were to start with (2 Pet 2:20).  When we know the truth and don’t obey it, we have the same eternal destination as before… but we can’t plead ignorance anymore.  As long as we are still breathing, there is the possibility of returning to God, but it is a lot harder for an “ex-christian” to return to the truth than it is for an honest-but-ignorant person to obey God’s Word.

In regards to a brother or sister in Christ who is struggling with sin, what needs to happen?  If the brother or sister has come before the congregation and confessed their sins, what is the responsibility then of the congregation?  When the struggling brother/sister misses services, seems to slip into deeper sin, or does not make improvements, what needs to happen?  How much outreach needs to occur from the congregation… from the elders?  And inversely, if the brother or sister improves, does anything need to happen?  I have studied this but was wondering if my findings were correct, so I would appreciate your point of view on it.

Sincerely,
Hoping To Help

Dear Hoping To Help,

There are as many answers to your question as there are people in the church.  The Bible lays out general guidelines for dealing with erring brethren, but it then leaves quite a bit of freedom to apply wisdom to each individual circumstance.  If someone is actively, rebelliously living in sin, they need to be confronted.  The confrontation should begin on an individual level and only escalate to the whole church if the person doesn’t repent (Matt 18:15-17).  If the whole church confronts someone with their sin, and they are still unwilling to change… they should be withdrawn from (1 Cor 5:1-2, 1 Cor 5:13).  This should be done in order to protect the church and to, hopefully, jar the wayward brother back to his senses.  Discipline should always be done with love and compassion (2 Thess 3:14-15).

However, if at any point the person asks for forgiveness – the process reverses and stops.  There is no such thing as someone who is “so far gone” that they can’t be accepted back with loving arms if they confess and repent (Matt 18:21-22, 1 Jn 1:9).

As far as how much we should reach out to people, who should do it, how long we should do it, etc., all of those will vary with individual circumstances.  The short answer is that a congregation should do whatever it can to prayerfully bring back a lost brother or sister (Jude 1:20-23).

Why are some people who go to church stuck up?  They think they are better than everyone.

Sincerely,
Sick Of Being Looked Down On

Dear Sick Of Being Looked Down On,

You might as well ask why some people who go to work are stuck up, or some people who go to school are stuck up, or the park, or the zoo, etc.  In short, there are always going to be arrogant people in every area of life.  Arrogant people are not exclusive to religion, nor should we allow those few who make bad decisions to vilify the whole.

Just because you’ve been to a bad mechanic doesn’t mean you stop driving cars.  Just because you’ve had bad experiences with religious people doesn’t mean you should stop trying to find the truth (Matt 7:7-9).  There are congregations full of faithful, humble, Bible-loving people.  We are sorry for your frustration and the negative experiences you have had.  We would be happy to point you in the direction of a faithful congregation in your area that really does emulate the humility found in God’s Word.  If you would like help finding a faithful church in your area (not all churches are faithful), e-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org.

Why are there fake christian people who say they are christians and do bad stuff?  They think all they have to do is to believe in God, and then they do want they want.

Sincerely,
Tired Of The Charade

Dear Tired Of The Charade,

There have been, and always will be, people who are hypocritical in their faith (Matt 6:2).  Make note of that behavior and remember to never be that way yourself.  We can’t do anything about others, but we can examine ourselves (2 Cor 13:5) and make sure that we are faithful.  Christianity is about more than just believing in God… even the demons believe (Jas 2:19).  Real christians combine their belief with works (Jas 2:17-18).  God wants more than just lip service… not everyone who calls on His name will be saved (Matt 7:21-23).  Don’t just look like a christian; live like one (Matt 23:25-26).

I was just curious.  What exactly does the Bible mean when it speaks of confessing our sins to one another?  When is it proper to confess to one another the sins we have committed?  When is it improper or excessive (if it can be so)?  When is it that this needs to be done?

Sincerely,
Confessionally Concerned

Dear Confessionally Concerned,

We must confess all of our sins to God (1 John 1:9) and be prepared to get help with our faults from other christians (Jas 5:16). When James talks about confessing sins to each other, he is talking in the context of prayer. His point is that when someone prays for you as you struggle with sin, that prayer will make an immense difference. He is not stating that you have to announce every single sin you have ever committed to each and every christian you meet.

There are definitely times to tell another person about your sin.

1. If you have sinned against them, you must admit it and ask for forgiveness (Lk 17:3-4).
2. If you believe the knowledge of your previous sin will help them (1 Tim 1:15-16).
3. If you are struggling with a sin and need help (Jas 5:16, Eccl 4:9).
4. If it would be deceptive to not reveal the sin (1 Jhn 1:8).

All of those situations constitute an appropriate time to confess your sins to another person. God doesn’t call us to parade our past sins before all we meet, but there is a time to own up to our faults before both man and God.

How is another christian supposed to act (what are they supposed to do or say) when a fellow christian has fallen into a sin pit?

Sincerely,
Look Out Below!

Dear Look Out Below,

When we know our brother or sister is caught up in sin, we must do something.  Christians have a moral responsibility to exhort one another to flee from sin (Heb 3:13).  If we can, we must try and save those who are falling into the fire of sin (Jude 1:23).  If we truly love one another, we will have enough love to confront each other (1 Cor 13:4-7).  Remember, if you can convert them from their error, you will have saved their soul from death (Jas 5:19-20).

How are you supposed to treat a former member of the church after they have fallen away?  Say, for example, they want to meet up and take the kids to the park or catch a movie.

Sincerely,
Standing Up To The Fallen

Dear Standing Up To The Fallen,

When a brother or sister falls away, purposeful distance is our greatest tool to save their souls.  God tells churches to withdraw from brethren who deliberately return to a sinful lifestyle (2 Thess 3:6).  We should appeal with gentle and loving words in hopes of bringing them back to the Lord (2 Thess 3:15), but when that doesn’t work, we must show them our conviction by kindly, but firmly, refusing to keep company with them (1 Cor 5:11-13).  There isn’t anything that speaks louder than actions.  If you make it clear that the distance is done out of love and not out of hate… you will leave a message that might just cause them to reconsider.

Jesus never called us christians, so why does man?  I know where the name came from.  We have many names after being saved that are not ‘christian’ (Jhn 13:35).

Sincerely,
Don’t Label Me

Dear Don’t Label Me,

The name ‘christian’ is a Bible name.  In Acts 11:26, we see believers first using the title ‘christian’.  The apostle Peter uses that moniker for Christ’s followers in 1 Pet 4:16.  All in all, it is a wholly biblical term.

I like this boy that is saved, and I have been wondering that if I love him now, will I still be in love with him while I’m in heaven?

Sincerely,
Big Crush

Dear Big Crush,

Romantic love, at least as we know it, will not exist in heaven.  Jesus says that there is no marriage in heaven (Matt 22:30).  Without marriage, there must be some sort of change in the relationships we have.  Love will certainly still exist once we enter the heavenly gates (1 Cor 13:8), but it will be different from what we have here.  Our relationships with others will change because we will change (1 Cor 15:51-52).

Recently, I heard a sermon, and the preacher asked, “Who or what is causing your light to dim?”  It has caused a lot of us to think.  I know who is causing my light to dim but don’t know what to do about it.  Our church is in turmoil.  No one respects the leader or leadership.  So, my question is: what do I do about it?

Sincerely,
Provoked To Action

Dear Provoked To Action,

If the congregation you are attending is having problems because it is no longer doing what the Lord wishes – your only option may be to leave.  However, if the congregation is faithful but floundering, and you have the strength to stick it out – let your light shine (Matt 5:16).  There are two reasons why most congregations in today’s society fall apart.

1. The congregation isn’t doing what the Bible says – in which case, they have problems because they aren’t following Bible patterns.  We recommend you read “Down With Denominationalism”, “Finding A Church”, and “Preacher Interrogation” for further information on what a New Testament congregation looks like.  Congregations that have a leadership that doesn’t hold to God’s Word are very difficult to change; most often, the only way to change them is for enough people to leave because they are disgusted with the unbiblical direction of the church.
2. The congregation has lost its love for the Lord (Rev 2:4-5).  Congregations that no longer have a zeal for the Bible and winning souls to Christ ultimately die off.  When we no longer serve Christ as faithful servants (1 Cor 4:2), a congregation loses its way.  Rev 2:1-7 tells of the church of Ephesus and the fate that awaited them because they lost their fire for God.

You must compare your congregation to the Bible and decide to stick it out and strengthen your brethren (Lk 22:32) or move on to another congregation where you can properly grow and serve the Lord with a clear conscience.  Whatever you do, make sure that you can say that the congregation you attend is “a pillar and ground of the truth” (1 Tim 3:15).  We have helped many others find faithful congregations in their area – if that is the road you believe you must choose, we would be happy to help you, too.

According to 1 Corinthians 5:9, we are not to associate ourselves with sinful people; how are we supposed to try and help them if we shouldn’t be hanging around them?

Sincerely,
Love From A Distance

Dear Love From A Distance,

In order to understand 1 Cor 5:9, we have to read the rest of the chapter.  Chapter five of first Corinthians is dealing with a christian who had decided to return to a wicked lifestyle (1 Cor 5:1).  Instead of rebuking this sinning brother, the Corinthian church was accepting his immoral lifestyle (1 Cor 5:2).  Paul was rebuking the congregation for not disciplining this wayward christian.  The church has the responsibility to discipline willfully sinning brethren – we do this by not associating with them until they repent (1 Cor 5:11).  This responsibility is only in regards to those who are within the church – not those outside of it (1 Cor 5:12-13).  God wants us to spend time with the lost, so we might win them to Christ (Mk 2:16-17).  We are to live in the world (1 Cor 5:10) as shining lights (Matt 5:14) to those who don’t know Christ.

I put up with a lot when it comes to a certain person and his family.  Eventually, I completely cut everyone out of my life, and now I’m at peace… my question is: did I do the right thing by letting go?  Did I do the right thing by completely cutting everyone out of my life… or letting go the way I did, or am I supposed to continue to help and be there for them?  It’s hard for me to continue to associate with these people when, in reality, all I want to do is leave them in the past… especially when they go to the same church as I do.

Sincerely,
Cut It Out

Dear Cut It Out,

When dealing with trials amongst brethren, the biggest word we must watch out for is ‘bitterness’.  God warns us that bitterness creeps in and defiles us (Heb 12:15).  Bitterness destroys marriages (Col 3:19); it enslaves us (Acts 8:23); it changes the way we talk (Rom 3:14) and the way we think and feel (Jas 3:14).  If you are dealing with a fellow christian, there must be some redeeming quality within them that you could dwell upon (Php 4:8).  Be very careful to not close your heart off to others – if we won’t forgive, God won’t forgive us (Matt 6:14).  Bitterness comes across in the way we live – with all kindness, we recommend that you examine yourself (1 Cor 11:31) and see whether or not it may be time to soften your heart and let go (Eph 4:31-32).  Cutting yourself off from everyone in your life, especially the church, isn’t the answer.

It seems many christians think being faithful means one attends all gatherings of the church – Sunday morning Bible study, worship in the morning and evening, and Wednesday evening Bible study.  Please help me with a biblical definition of faithfulness for my use in discussions.  Thank you for your clear answers that are backed by Scripture.

Sincerely,
Faithful Attender

Dear Faithful Attender,

Faith is a simple word with a lot of big implications.  The word for ‘faith’ in Greek is ‘pistis’.  ‘Pistis’ is translated ‘belief’ and ‘faith’ in English, so when you see the word ‘believe’ or the word ‘faith’ in your Bible… they are the same Greek word.  The word means ‘conviction that something is true’.  The Bible specifically uses the word ‘faith’ to describe our attitude toward God (Acts 20:21).   Faith is a requirement for salvation (Eph 2:8).

Biblical faith exists when we trust in the unseen God (Heb 11:1).  Faith is also described as a lifestyle of seeking God (Heb 11:6).  Faith without action is dead (Jas 2:26).  Even the demons believe in God… but they don’t seek Him (Jas 2:19).  Faith has its origin in the Scriptures – we believe because we hear God’s Word (Rom 10:17).  Biblical faith is best described as ‘hearing what God says and then doing your best to loyally act upon those words’.

Using that definition, regular church attendance is a part of faith because God tells us to not forsake assembling with the saints (Heb 10:24-25).  However, attendance is certainly not the all-defining characteristic of a faithful lifestyle.  One could easily attend every meeting of the church and still be a godless heathen the rest of the week (the man who had his father’s wife is a great example of this – 1 Cor 5:1-2).  Faith is a life guided by the words of the Bible.  A faithful person allows the Bible to be their compass and lets God reign within them (Lk 17:21).

Suffering of christians in other countries like Africa…

I don’t understand.  If we consider what Jesus said in Lk 12:22-26, why do true christians starve to death everyday in other countries?  I understand that sometimes bad things are allowed to happen to us for God’s purpose, but when I am asked by my children this question, how do I answer?

Sincerely,
Hungering For Truth

Dear Hungering For Truth,

Lk 12:22-26 never says that christians won’t suffer or die; it just says that God provides for us the way He sees fit and that we shouldn’t be anxious.  Even Christ once went forty days without food (Lk 4:2), but there was a purpose to that hunger.  Job was a man whose life epitomized suffering… but once again, there was a purpose (Job 2:3-7).  Many christians died for their faith in the first century (Rev 17:6).  Some christians die because they refuse to steal food, some die because they refuse to lie or cheat, and still others are murdered for confessing Christ.  It was that way then, and it is the same today in many parts of the world.  Not all christians are called to suffer to the point of blood (Heb 12:4), but if living a christian life brings about your death – heaven is very far better (Php. 1:21-23).  When we suffer as christians, we are blessed (1 Pet 3:13-14).  Tell your children that this world is not our home… we are just passing through.

A family member of mine said it was wrong according to the Bible and God that you should not take another christian to court.  What do you say?

Sincerely,
Legal Matters

Dear Legal Matters,

We say that your family member is 100% correct.  The Bible clearly states in 1 Cor 6:6-8 that christians shouldn’t take each other to court.  It brings shame upon the church, and it would be better to be defrauded and show love than to drag brethren to court.  Christians are supposed to have a higher moral standard than the average citizen… it only makes sense that brethren should honestly and faithfully try and handle matters with one another (1 Cor 6:1).

Recently, my friend and I promised each other that if we saw the other turning away from God, we would speak up.  Basically, we promised to be each other’s support system and to encourage each other in God.  But I found out a few weeks ago that she has been sleeping with her boyfriend and some other similar things.  I would speak up, but she doesn’t know I know because both her boyfriend and sister told me on accident; they thought she would have told me.  I know she is avoiding honesty because she thinks I will scold her and be disappointed.  I admit, I am disappointed, but I just wish she would be honest with me.  How do I handle this?  I don’t want to cause fights by revealing to her who told me, but I want to be able to help her.  What do I do?

Sincerely,
A Concerned Friend

Dear A Concerned Friend,

If you know that a fellow christian is living a sinful life, you have a moral obligation to do something about it.  Christ says that we should privately confront one another (Matt 18:15).  If she repents, you have saved her soul (Jas 5:20).  Make it clear that you have honest and loving concern for her (2 Thess 3:14-15).  It is an act of love to entreat a fellow christian to turn from sin (1 Jn 3:18).  No matter how you came by the information, you have a responsibility to try and save your sister.

I am interested to know of any verse that states that I need to go to my pastor regarding starting a home Bible study.

Sincerely,
Homeschooled

Dear Homeschooled,

There are no verses on this subject… because you don’t need their authority.  The Scriptures are a free gift from God to all mankind.  The Bible is useful to all and useful at all times (2 Tim 3:16).  The Bereans were praised for their individual desire to study the Scriptures for themselves (Acts 17:11).  We are told to discuss the Scriptures (especially with our families) at every available opportunity (Deu 11:19).  If you start teaching false doctrine – the church will have a responsibility to correct it (Acts 20:28-29), but there is nothing wrong with home Bible studies.

The Bible says, “Touch not My anointed, and do him no harm”.  My question is: when is it a legal issue?  If the anointed is a child molester and a murderer, should his behavior be reported to the leaders of the church?

Sincerely,
Pressing Charges

Dear Pressing Charges,

The verse you are referring to (1 Chr 16:22) has nothing to do with reporting a murderer or other heinous criminals.  1 Chr 16:22 (it is also mentioned in Ps 105:15) is specifically talking about how God took care of the nation of Israel.  The preceding verse (1 Chr 16:21) mentions how God forbid other kings and nations from attacking Israel.

If someone has committed a serious felony, you should do more than report them to the leadership of the church – you should report them to the authorities.  God specifically sets the government in place to bring to justice people who having chosen to destroy others’ lives (Rom 13:3-4).

A youth pastor is going to different families in the church and saying that he thinks two particular teens are having a homosexual relationship.  He has not talked to the youths themselves or their parents.  What kind of action would you suggest be taken in regards to this youth pastor?

Sincerely,
Not A Gossip Girl

Dear Not A Gossip Girl,

Homosexuality is a sin (Rom 1:26-27), and to slander someone with such an accusation is a heinous crime indeed.  We are never to gossip or slander people (Pr 10:18, 2 Tim 3:3).  The Scriptures teach that if we believe someone is living a sinful lifestyle, we should talk to them individually first before escalating the issue and exposing their sin to others (Matt 18:15-17).  There are multiple reasons for this:

1. You might be wrong and have misunderstood the situation.
2. Individual confrontation keeps a situation as private as possible and, therefore, allows people to save face.
3. It avoids gossip and making a situation larger than it needs to be.
4. God says to do it this way (most importantly!).

This “youth pastor” (that title alone tells us there are further problems at your congregation – we recommend you read “What’s In A Name?” and “Elders”) is completely wrong in not confronting the individuals personally.  If he is right, then their souls hang in the balance.  If he is wrong, then the situation could be corrected privately the way God intends.

What is the role of the woman in the church?  Is she supposed to just sit and give tithes and offerings, or is she supposed to be active in ministries of the church?  The church is Christ’s body, so the church is the people, right?

Sincerely,
Want To Be A Worker

Dear Want To Be A Worker,

Just because women don’t lead in the public assembly, doesn’t mean that they just take up pew space and write checks!  The Bible is chock-full of examples of active and vibrant godly women.  Lydia was a christian who took Paul and gave him lodging, food, and financial support (Acts 16:14-15).  Priscilla and Aquila were a married couple that taught the gospel to Apollos (Acts 18:24-26).  That same Apollos went on to become a mighty preacher… something that would have never happened without Priscilla.  John Mark’s mother opened her home for a prayer meeting that saved Peter’s life (Acts 12:11-12).

Older women are supposed to be teachers and train the younger women to be faithful wives and mothers (Tit 2:3-5).  Younger women have the immensely important task of raising godly children… the next generation of christians (Tit 2:4).  Women have children’s classes to teach, women’s classes to teach, hospitality to provide, others to encourage, and evangelism to do.

On top of all those very important and pivotal roles within the church, during the worship services, women have the task of singing and praising God (just like the men – Col 3:16) and joining in the public prayer… just because one man leads the prayer doesn’t mean we aren’t all praying together.  When the church assembles, we all are worshipping God, edifying each other, and studying His Word (Heb 10:24-25).

And yes, the church is the people – not the building.  The word ‘church’ actually means ‘the called out’.  The church is composed of those who have heard the call of Christ and have come out of the world to serve Him.

What is the purpose of elders in the church today?

Sincerely,
Office Assessor

Dear Office Assessor,

Elders are the overseers of the church; they have the oversight of the local congregation (1 Tim 3:1 – ‘bishop’ means ‘one that oversees’).  Elders also go by the name ‘pastor’ or ‘shepherd’ because they take care of the flock of God (1 Pet 5:2).  Every church has its own elders (Acts 14:23), and every congregation must have more than one elder.  Any church that only has one pastor isn’t following the pattern found in the New Testament.  Pastors never govern alone.

Elders keep watch over the souls of those in the church, watching out for those who are wavering, strengthening the weak, etc.  They will give account to God for how they watched over the local church (Heb 13:17).  Not just anyone can be an elder.  1 Tim 3:1-7 and Tit 1:5-9 give the qualifications for elders.  Elders are older men who have proven themselves qualified to guide the church in a faithful manner.

The eldership of a church protects it from division, false teachers, and other various trials.  They are in charge of the church’s finances, class programs, preaching, and anything else that pertains to the local church.  Their job is to make sure that the church is faithfully adhering to the Bible and nothing else.

I have a question concerning forgiveness.  I have a friend that was baptized a few years ago but still wants to drink to get it out of their system… but will stop in a few years.  When I ask why they are doing it, they say they, “are going to be forgiven anyway if they ask for it later”, so they continue to drink.  My question is, will they really be forgiven?  Or will their forgiveness being asked in vain?

Sincerely,
Sober-Minded

Dear Sober-Minded,

Your friend has a common misconception about sin… that it is easy to quit.  When we openly and purposefully sin, we are choosing to become enslaved by that sin (alcohol is specifically mentioned as being addictive – Tit 2:3).  Paul teaches that part of becoming a christian is changing our attitude toward sin (Rom 6:1-4).  Christianity is a new life… a new life where sin no longer rules over us (Rom 6:11).

When we are baptized, we are making a statement that we hate sin, want it removed from our lives, and are seeking forgiveness from Christ.  Baptism is an appeal to God for a new life free from the filth of sin (1 Pet. 3:21).  If your friend still wants to live in sin and trick God into forgiveness later – God will not be deceived (Gal 6:7).  God knows our hearts (Lk 16:15).  If we accidently sin and then ask Him for forgiveness… that is very different from purposefully living a sinful lifestyle.  Your friend has some maturing to do before they really understand what it means to live a godly lifestyle.  In fact, if they are currently sinning, it may be time for you to talk to them about it.  Unfortunately, if he/she won’t listen to Scriptures, you may need to do what Matt 18:15-16 says and bring another faithful christian along to help you explain the sinful predicament he/she is in.

I was told recently by my pastor that an elder should always put his congregation first, even before his wife.  I believe that to be incorrect.  I always thought that we should all place God first, our spouses second, and our children third, and that is the model for a christian family.  I believe that to be one of the most significant examples to your congregation.  Am I correct, or am I wrong about this?

Sincerely,
Ducks In A Row

Dear Ducks In A Row,

You are right.  The Scriptures are clear that being an elder is a voluntary position (1 Tim 3:1).  A man can resign from the eldership, but he can’t resign from his marriage or his family.  God makes it clear that when a man marries, a large portion of his life becomes dedicated to caring for his wife’s needs (1 Cor 7:32-34).  Furthermore, husbands are clearly told that they must care for their wives as much as they care for their own bodies (Eph 5:28).  A man is a husband for life; he is an elder by choice for a time.

His relationship with his children is also not optional.  A father has various responsibilities to his offspring (Eph 6:4, Col 3:21, Heb 12:9, etc.).

I love my church, and I know the Bible tells me I’m supposed to be really close with my church family, but for some reason, I don’t get along well with the people my age.  I have other friends, but none of them are christians, and I want to have a good relationship with the people I’m supposed to.  When I try to hang out with some of the people I think I might get along with, I feel like an annoyance, or they have other things going on.  I feel like I’ve been praying about it for years, but I still don’t have close relationships with any of them.  Is there anything I can do to make good solid relationships with my church family?

Sincerely,
In The Out-Crowd

Dear In The Out-Crowd,

There is no single neat answer to the question you have asked.  However, there are some general principles that you might consider.

1. Your friends don’t have to be your age.  Paul and Timothy had an exceptionally close relationship even though Timothy was a young man (1 Tim 4:12), and Paul was much older.  Despite their age difference, Paul and Timothy were of the same mind, and that made them close (Php 2:19-20).  Age is only one factor when trying to make friends.
2. Someone has to start friendships.  Our tendency in life is to wait for others to befriend us for fear of rejection.  However, all friendships start because someone behaved friendly (Pr 27:9).  Jesus was so loved because He reached out to others and befriended them (Matt 11:19).
3. There will always be some people that you are closer to than others.  The church is a family (Eph 2:19), and just like a biological family, everyone has different bonds with everyone else.  Everyone loves each other, but each intra-family relationship is unique.  Don’t feel that you have to be close to every person in your congregation.  Just making an effort to be involved with the group as a whole is the goal.
4. Friendships are built when we work together.  When every christian supplies what strength they have to the Lord’s work, relationships naturally begin to form because we are helping each other (Eph 4:16).  Friendships often form naturally when we simply decided to be as involved as possible.

Having said all of that, it isn’t always easy to make friends – even in the Lord’s church.  Do not grow weary in doing good; eventually, you will reap the benefits (Gal 6:9-10).

We have been attending the same church for seven or eight years.  We are not members but participate in all activities.  We contribute to the love offering, are called when we have prayer chains, and help provide food for a family if someone passes away.  We are included just like a church member, but when our grandson and father passed away, the church didn’t provide us with a meal after the service as we do with everyone else.  We aren’t members, but I don’t think that is the problem because we have provided meals for the non-members that have lost family members.  We feel hurt that we have been overlooked twice.  We thought we were part of this church family; we provide services: i.e. our time to help with the grounds keeping, painting, planting, etc. out of our pocket to help our church out.  We don’t ask for repayment or even tell what we do at times.  We do it to feel connected to the church.  Am I wrong in feeling like others have a problem with us, and should we find another church or stay and continue to worship God and do His will?

Sincerely,
Persona Non Grata

Dear Persona Non Grata,

You should definitely always do God’s will, but you will have to decide whether staying where you are is, in fact, fulfilling God’s commands.  What does God say that we should do when others hurt our feelings?   If you really feel offended by someone, you should go and talk to them and, if at all possible, reconcile (Matt 5:23-24).  What you are talking about doesn’t sound like a Bible doctrine disagreement, but a personal (though legitimate) frustration.

However, we have to admit we are confused by the fact that you are so dedicated to this church and yet are not a member… is there something unscriptural about how the church is behaving?  Are they somehow failing to match up with God’s criteria for what the church should be (See “Finding the Church” and “Preacher Interrogation” to look at some of those criteria)?  If your reason for not placing your membership with this church is a Bible reason – then you should leave and find a faithful church to be a part of.  If the reason isn’t Biblical, then you should place your membership there.  There are no examples of christians in the Bible that weren’t members of a local church.  Even the apostle Paul, with all of his traveling, was a member of the church in Antioch (Acts 11:25-26).  Find a faithful group and commit to serving God with them.