I have been struggling with this for some time now.  I could make this a much more detailed question, but I will try to shorten it the best way I can.  When it comes to dating and meeting someone we hope to spend the rest of our lives with, is it wiser to allow things to happen on their own or to engage in things such as online dating?  I realize that God allows us to help ourselves, but I often feel doing things such as online dating is perhaps just a way that individuals try to speed up the process and that it might inhibit natural occurrences (i.e. the real deal) from happening.  Any feedback would be great.

Sincerely,
Patient

Dear Patient,

The Bible gives no specific statements about how to look for a future spouse. Online dating is neither condemned nor endorsed by God’s Word.  Rather than advocate one particular way to find a spouse, God instead speaks to the attitudes we must have and the dangers that exist in the world of romance.

1. Don’t force it.  Song of Solomon is an entire book devoted to romance and marriage.  The chorus of that book is the same over and over (Songs 2:7) – it is a warning to avoid forcing relationships merely for the ‘fun’ of romance.
2. Avoid all appearances of evil (1 Thess 5:22).  Make sure to never put yourself in a situation with someone of the opposite sex that would compromise your (or their) reputation or morals.
3. Who they are matters more than how they look.  The Bible praises godly spouses for their character (Pr 31:10).  Beauty fades, but one’s values endure.  Make sure you are spending your time getting to know the person for who they are and for what they find important.
4. Treat them with respect.  The Scriptures tell us to treat people of the opposite gender like brothers and sisters (1 Tim 5:2).  How would you want your siblings to be treated?  Make sure you are behaving in a godly way toward anyone you are dating or courting.
5. Surround yourself with godly advice.  When we are in the here and now of a romantic relationship, we often get caught up with our emotions and lose perspective.  That makes it especially important to get the advice of those around you who are wiser and less biased.  Parents, grandparents, and other trusted advisors should be sought out as you search for a mate.  Surrounding yourself with many good counselors protects you from making a emotional decision that has lifelong consequences (Pr 11:14).
6. Last, but not least, we are told to pray without ceasing (1 Thess. 5:17).  God wants us to bring our concerns to him, and our desire for a godly spouse is no different.  Pray that God sends you someone to faithfully be your mate for life.

Marriage is one of the greatest blessings that God gives mankind.  If we do it God’s way, finding a spouse can be a joy and lead to a lifetime of happiness.

     My ex-girlfriend broke up with me some time ago.  In a way, I feel it was good because she was very worldly and not too into the things of God.  However, I still love her.  It’s almost like I can’t stop loving her.  For this reason, I have broken off all communication with her in hopes of losing the strong feelings I have for her.  Am I wrong for doing so?  Is it okay for believers to ignore people or shun them out of our lives?

Sincerely,
Cold Shoulder

Dear Cold Shoulder,

There is a time when it is appropriate to cut ties with someone.  1 Cor 15:33 says, “Bad company corrupts good morals.”  We are also told that believers shouldn’t yoke their lives to unbelievers (2 Cor 6:14).  It takes wisdom when to decide your life is getting too intertwined with someone who is worldly.  God tells us that we should be in the world but not of the world (1 Cor 5:10).  From what you have said, your case seems like a perfect example of the right time to distance yourself from someone.

    I have been a minister (ordained in the Baptist faith) now for nearly twenty-seven years.  My wife left me after twenty-eight years of marriage, and I’m currently still the pastor.  However, I need a helpmate.  I want to date, but all women are scared of dating a preacher.  I understand that, too.  I don’t want to cause a “black eye” on the church, so here is my question:

I’m fifty-one and alone… if I start dating women, should I quit preaching?  Not quit serving God, NO!  Quit preaching.  I think that would look best on God and His church… not a denomination, but the church of all believers of the Son of God.  Please give your honest opinion.  Again, thanks for your honestly.

Sincerely,
Single Baptist

Dear Single Baptist,

You say that you don’t believe in denominationalism, but you are preaching for a denomination.  You’ve been through a lot, and we cannot imagine the pain you must feel having your wife leave you – tragedies like your divorce are a time to evaluate quite a few things in life.  What if we told you that the Lord’s church does exist without denominationalism?  What if we told you there are groups of people that do just what the Bible says without denominational ordainings, traditions, and hierarchies?  After twenty-seven years of preaching for a denomination, would you be willing to consider that the Lord’s church isn’t part of that world?  In the Lord’s church, preachers are just men (Acts 14:15) and are treated like all other christians – even when it comes to dating.  There is another way; we urge you to read the article “Down With Denominationalism“, and if you are interested, we would be happy to study these issues out with you.

     My boyfriend of thirteen years told me he can no longer have a relationship with me because I don’t attend church.  He said I need to follow his path.

Sincerely,
Ex-Girlfriend

Dear Ex-Girlfriend,

We would have to side with your ex-boyfriend on this… but give us a second to explain why.  The end goal to your relationship is marriage, and ‘inter-faith’ marriages have disastrous results, an awful track record, and God warns against them.  No matter how much you love each other, there are only four possible outcomes to a marriage between to people that don’t have the same spiritual goals, and only one of them is good:

1. You eventually convert, obey the gospel, become a christian, and are saved (this would be a really GOOD outcome).
2. He eventually forsakes the Lord, and you are both lost (BAD).
3. You both make compromises in your beliefs, and neither of you is fully committed to anything (BAD).
4. You both eventually renounce both of your belief systems, and are both lost (BAD).

The only positive outcome is the first one, and that isn’t any more likely to happen after you are married than before.  From your boyfriend’s perspective, if you aren’t with him on this journey to serve Christ – neither of you is going to be happy, with potentially eternally disastrous consequences.

God warns against being ‘unequally yoked’ to someone with different values than you (2 Cor 6:14-16). Once you get married, you are ‘yoked’ to that person with a lifetime agreement. A godly marriage is designed around unity (Gen 2:24). If you aren’t unified on your core belief system, then everything else will be affected. Where will your children go to church? How much money will you contribute to church?  What happens when you disagree on moral decisions – what is the standard you will use to come to an answer? These are just a few of the thousands of day-to-day problems you will run into. God tells us that a christian should marry someone ‘in the Lord’ (1 Cor 7:39).  If you are serious about this guy, you need to ask yourself if it is worth looking into Christianity to see if there is a reason that this wonderful man finds it so important.  Either way, you are both better off knowing where you stand before entering into a heartbreaking marriage.

Who I am going to marry?  Who do I love?  Does he love me?  How old am I?

Sincerely,
Go Ahead, Answer My Questions

Dear Go Ahead, Answer My Questions,

We are just men here at AYP and not prophets.  We can’t tell you the specifics of your life and future.  However, we can give you some principles for how to look for a spouse.  Read “Dating” in our archives for some of the Bible teachings on finding a spouse.

Is it a sin to marry or have a relationship with your first cousin?

Sincerely,
Taboo?

Dear Taboo,

The Bible never condemns marrying your first cousin.  Even in the Old Testament, the prohibition only extended as far as aunts and uncles (Lev 18:12-14).  It isn’t a sin to marry your first cousin.  In fact, it hasn’t even been culturally taboo for very long.  Even two or three generations ago, it was much more common to marry a first cousin.  Today, it is an odd thing to see a first cousin marriage, but it isn’t wrong.  Cultures change all the time, and this is a cultural issue, not a Biblical one.

My mom was adopted, so we don’t know her family history well.  What would you do if you found out your boyfriend of twelve years maybe your cousin?  We have no children together.  He doesn’t know we may be cousins… we live together… WHAT DO WE DO FROM HERE?

Sincerely,
Regretful Researcher

Dear Regretful Researcher,

The very first thing you need to do is stop living together before you are married.  More important than any biological issues your future children may have, you are sinning, and that is much worse than any physical problem.  The reason people don’t get married – but instead (outside of marriage) have sex, live together, have children together, and eventually destroy their lives – is because we spend our lives making up the rules as we go.  We live our lives by the “what-makes-me-feel-good-right-now” philosophy.  We have no real standard to live by other than what we feel at the moment.  Like Pilate, we ask, “What is truth?” (Jhn 18:38) because we don’t know where to find the right answers to life.  How can we know what is the right thing to do?  Only the Creator can give us a rulebook for life that allows us to comfortably say, “I’m making the right choice.”  Jesus is the truth, the way, and the life (Jhn 14:6).  All the answers to life are found in His Scriptures (2 Pet 1:3).  If we want our relationships, our families, our careers, and our lives to work, we have to use the manual.

Biblically, there is nothing wrong with marrying your cousin – people did it quite commonly just a couple generations ago.  You would have to consider the medical ramifications of having children, but that is a medical decision – not a moral one.  As we said, more importantly than anything else is that you make your lives right with God.

I am pregnant and have an abusive boyfriend, both physically and emotionally.  I want to leave but don’t want to go through pregnancy alone, and I don’t want my baby to have no father figure.  I feel like God has wanted this for me and that I am now too old to find a partner in life.  Do I leave?

Sincerely,
Mother In Distress

Dear Mother In Distress,

Any man that beats women isn’t a father figure, so staying with him isn’t a blessing to your unborn child.  God tells us to train up a child in the way they should go so that when they are older, they won’t depart from the righteous path (Pr 22:6).  It is understandable that you are scared right now, and our hearts go out to you in your loneliness.  Just remember, life is too short to continue to walk down the wrong road – at some point, the brave thing to do is to turn around and start walking the right direction (Acts 17:30).  What kind of person do you want your child to become?  Whatever you want your child to be, you must first be for them.  By leaving an abusive relationship, fleeing sexual immorality, and turning to God, you will be starting a legacy of faith for your unborn son or daughter.  Your bravery will teach them to be brave.  Also, you don’t have to be alone in this… in fact, you shouldn’t be.  There are faithful congregations of godly people all over the country that can help you as you start on your new path.  Not all churches serve God, but we would be happy to help you find one in your area that is faithful and ready to help teach and encourage you through this new beginning.  E-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org if we can help you find a church near you.

I saw your post about dating, but is it true that not every one is blessed?  I believe that not every one finds their love.  There are a lot of people out there without a wife or a husband.  I don’t believe that there is a girl or boy for everyone.

Sincerely,
Lone Star

Dear Lone Star,

Matt 19:12 says that there are three reasons that people decide to never marry.

1. They are born without a desire for marriage.
2. Life circumstances lead to their bachelorhood.
3. They choose to abstain from marriage so as to better serve God.

You are right that some people never get married.  Though the majority of people decide to, marriage isn’t necessary to serve God.

The other issue that you bring up is the idea that people have one right person for them to marry – a “soul mate”.  The Bible never teaches the idea that there is only one fish in the sea for each of us.  The Bible says a lot about how to find a godly spouse, but it never implies that there is only one right person for each of us.  If that were the case, it would be wrong to remarry after your spouse dies because you had already found “the one”, and any other marriage would be with someone that wasn’t your soul mate.

What does the Bible say about dating?

Sincerely,
Kiss And Tell?

Dear Kiss And Tell,

The Bible gives no specific statements about how to look for a future spouse. God instead speaks to the attitudes we must have and the dangers that exist in the world of romance.

1. Don’t force it.  Song of Solomon is an entire book devoted to romance and marriage.  The chorus of that book is the same over and over (SS 2:7) – it is a warning to avoid forcing relationships merely for the ‘fun’ of romance.
2. Avoid all appearances of evil (1 Thess 5:22).  Make sure to never put yourself in a situation with someone of the opposite sex that would compromise your (or their) reputation or morals.
3. Who they are matters more than how they look.  The Bible praises godly spouses for their character (Pr 31:10).  Beauty fades, but one’s values endure.  Make sure you are spending your time getting to know the person for who they are and for what they find important.
4. Treat them with respect.  The Scriptures tell us to treat people of the opposite gender like brothers and sisters (1 Tim 5:2).  How would you want your siblings to be treated?  Make sure you are behaving in a godly way toward anyone you are dating or courting.
5. Surround yourself with godly advice.  When we are in the here and now of a romantic relationship, we often get caught up with our emotions and lose perspective.  That makes it especially important to get the advice of those around you who are wiser and less biased.  Parents, grandparents, and other trusted advisors should be sought out as you search for a mate.  Surrounding yourself with many good counselors protects you from making a emotional decision that has lifelong consequences (Pr 11:14).

Marriage is one of the greatest blessings that God gives mankind.  If we do it God’s way, finding a spouse can be a joy and lead to a lifetime of happiness.

My boyfriend calls me ‘Satan’ sometimes when he is angry with me.  He also calls his mom ‘Lucifer’ because she has a mental condition and sometimes curses for no reason.  So he said she is Lucifer for acting that way.  I’m called Satan because I may say something that does not appeal to him, but I’m not cursing or name-calling.  We are both christians so… I’m confused that he feels it is acceptable in the eyes of God that it is okay to freely use the word Satan towards my character.  In the Bible, where can I find it that we should refrain from name-calling?

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Disgruntled Girlfriend

Dear Disgruntled Girlfriend,

We feel pretty comfortable in saying that your boyfriend needs an attitude check – that is not the way to talk to people.  God tells us to make sure our speech is “seasoned with grace” (Col 4:6).  We are told to avoid all corrupt speech and to only say things that will edify the hearers (Eph 4:29).  The apostle Peter commanded us to “refrain our tongues from evil” and “speak without guile” (1 Pet 3:10).  Name-calling (especially referring to someone as the most evil being in existence!) is totally inappropriate.  There is only one reference in the Bible to calling someone Satan, and that is Mk 8:33 when Jesus rebuked Peter by saying, “Get behind Me, Satan”.  This was because Peter was commanding Jesus to not sacrifice Himself on the cross – a direct contradiction to God’s will (Mk 8:31-32).  If the Son of God only used the term in the most extreme circumstance… we should be vary wary of ever using that sort of strong language.

What does the Bible (and where) say about two people living together prior to marriage?

Sincerely,
Spare Key

Dear Spare Key,

Moving in together would be a sin as well as a temptation toward further sin. No matter how pure our intentions might be, two people of the opposite sex living together looks bad. Even if you weren’t actually sleeping together, nobody would believe you. God tells us to abstain from every form of evil (1 Thess 5:22). The word ‘form’ in that verse literally means “shape or appearance”. Christians need to not only avoid sin – but avoid looking like they are sinning. A boyfriend and girlfriend living together (no matter how chaste) looks like a sinful relationship. The Bible also tells us to do the things which are ‘honorable in the sight of all men’ (Rom 12:17, 2 Cor 8:21). Consider what living together before marriage does to the honor of your girlfriend/boyfriend. God wants you to do what is in their best interest and uphold their reputation and honor.

Secondarily, the temptation to sleep together will certainly grow with living together. There is nothing abnormal about a man and a woman being strongly attracted to each other. God recognizes that young people naturally are inclined to burn with passion for the opposite sex (1 Cor 7:9). The key is to make sure you don’t put yourselves in a position that could compromise your integrity. We are to ‘flee fornication’ (1 Cor 6:18) and be wise as serpents in regard to righteousness (Matt 10:16). Don’t set yourselves up to sin.

The idea of living together before marriage is a modern one – not a Biblical one. Biblically speaking, if you aren’t ready to get married, you aren’t ready to live together. The deepest act of love you could show to your girlfriend/boyfriend would be to wait until you are ready for marriage.

Why should I wait for sex?

Sincerely,
Just Askin’

Dear Just Askin’,

There are two ways to answer your question.  One way to answer your question would be to list the thousands of statistics that describe how much healthier of a lifestyle monogamy is.  We could explain the risks of promiscuity and the increased failure rate of relationships that pursue intimacy before marriage.  There are studies far and wide that prove the healthiest, happiest, and most well-adjusted relationships are monogamous relationships that wait until marriage… but that isn’t the way we are going to answer your question because as compelling as secular studies are, they aren’t nearly as compelling as the Bible.

The other way to answer your question is to tell you that God says sex outside of marriage is a sin and that we should flee all fornication (1 Cor 6:18).  God designed that level of intimacy for marriage only (Eph 5:31).  Our Creator knows what is best for us, and His Bible says sex outside of marriage is a sin.  That is why you should wait.

Our daughter, who is seventeen and living at home, has a boyfriend who is nineteen.  He wants to move out on his own and experience something new.  What would be your advice/approach when dealing with them spending time together alone at his new place, going over to visit, watch movies, etc.  Although they have given us no reason to not trust them, I am having problems giving permission to this “alone” time.

Sincerely,
Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned Parent,

Different parents will give different advice in these circumstances, but you aren’t crazy for having concerns.  The important thing is to be able to explain things to your daughter and her boyfriend in biblical terms.  Whatever your decision is, if you can give Scripture for your feelings, it will take the trust issues out of the picture.  As you said, it isn’t about these two trustworthy young people; it is about the natural temptations and passions of youth.  So here are some verses that can be used in your discussions:

1. God says that it is natural and normal for young people to be attracted to one another (1 Cor 7:9).  This is a natural part of the romance process, but it is also important for them to not put themselves in a position where this attraction can lead to regrettable decisions in the heat of the moment.
2. The Song of Solomon is a poetic book of the Bible devoted to romantic love.  The chorus of that song says, “don’t awaken or stir up love until he pleases” (SS 3:5).  God’s warning to those in the courtship process is to not force things and not to go too fast.  The goal is to slow down and get to know the person… the risk of spending copious amounts of time alone is that the relationship begins to speed up in all the wrong ways.
3. A reputation is a difficult thing to build but an easy thing to destroy.  Your daughter and her boyfriend currently have good reputations, which are more valuable than riches (Pr 22:1).  Part of your job as parents is to help protect their good name.  When a young woman spends a lot of time at a single man’s apartment… it looks a certain way.  This is worth explaining to them.

You will need to decide what conversation to have with your daughter and her boyfriend when and if he gets an apartment, but those are some Bible verses to help provide context to the ground rules you will set.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years, and we’ve been talking a lot about getting married.  I really love him, and he loves me, but he’s leaving soon for the military.  I was wondering: if I went and lived on the base after I graduated, would that be against God’s law?  I know it says in the Bible that you aren’t supposed to live with your partner if you aren’t married, but what if he didn’t stay in the same place as me?

Sincerely,
Not Quite Mrs. Yet

Dear Not Quite Mrs. Yet,

Your question is an issue of wisdom, and there are several biblical principles to consider:

1. What will it look like to others if you are living on base as his “partner” without being married?  God tells us to avoid sin and all appearances of sin (1 Thess 5:22).  We should strive to do what is honorable to God and appears honorable to man (Rom 12:17).  Without knowing all the details, our guess is that most people would perceive that you have been sleeping together if you are living on base while he is overseas.  This needs to be taken into account.
2. If you are living in an arrangement that married people would live in… why aren’t you married?  Sometimes people marry too quickly, and sometimes people wait too long to marry.  God wants us to use wisdom and not jump too hastily into wedding vows, but He also tells young people to avoid a situation where they will burn for each other uncontrollably (1 Cor 7:8-9).  It may be that this potential living arrangement is a case of “playing with fire”, and it would be better off to marry (or live elsewhere) and remove all chance of sin.

Don’t mistake us; we cannot tell you that this arrangement would be overtly sinful (as you said, he wouldn’t even be living in the same place), but those are some Bible principles worth considering before you make a decision.

Why has no one ever asked me out?

Sincerely,
Feeling Ugly

Dear Feeling Ugly,

One of our favorite verses in the Bible is Ps 27:14 which says, “Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.”  When we are waiting for that right person to come along, and especially when we desperately want to be noticed and seen by the opposite gender, it can be an unbelievably hopeless feeling… but wait on the Lord, and all things will work out (Rom 8:28).  Your plight is shared by millions of other potential suitors, and there are several ways to deal with your unfulfilled yearning for affection and companionship, but only one way that is biblical.

1. Begin to act in a way that will garner attention at any cost.  This sort of desperate behavior leads to lots of attention, but the wrong kind.  God makes it clear that you want to be noticed for your lovely spirit, not your body (1 Tim 2:9).
2. Switch to “hermit mode”, and give up.  This also isn’t the right attitude.  Many bitter and forlorn hearts have been created because people gave up hope too early.  Be still and know that He is God (Ps 46:10); God’s plans are always better than our own.
3. Learn to be content where you are in life, and be the best person you can be (Php 4:11).  When we learn to live faithfully and trust the Lord’s outcome, we have success because He exalts us in due time (1 Pet 5:6).  This is true in every area of life, including waiting for the right someone to come along.

Is it okay for me and my girlfriend to do stuff together (like sexual stuff) without having intercourse?

Sincerely,
Dating

Dear Dating,

There is a difference between romantic acts and sexual acts… and sexual acts are for marriage only.  There is a line between a gentle kiss of affection and a lustful kiss of sexual appetite.  Until marriage, it is important that you and your girlfriend avoid lustful situations altogether.  Paul told Timothy to “flee youthful lusts” (2 Tim 2:22), and 1 Thess 4:5 warns against the “passions of lust”.  Don’t defile the beauty of the marriage bed (Heb 13:4) by jumping into lustful activities before your vows.   If you do get married, there will be many blissful and happy years to enjoy each others’ physical attentions… and if she isn’t the one, you won’t later regret keeping yourself pure for your wife.

How do you know if you’re in love?

Sincerely,
Smitten

Dear Smitten,

The Bible never specifically addresses the issue of when people fall in love because that is something that naturally happens, and as the old saying goes, “When you know, you know”.  The only advice that the Bible gives regarding romantic love is to not force it.  Far too often, people are so desperate to be in love that they force themselves into unhealthy situations in the hopes that it will awaken love – the exact opposite of God’s advice (SS 2:7).

It is always worth remembering that even though attraction is foremost on the minds of many singles, what really matters is the quality and character of the person you are interested in.  What is their inner character like (1 Pet 3:4)?  Do they love the Lord more than all else (Matt 22:37)?  Are they honest in word and deed (1 Jn 3:18)?  These are the things that really matter.  When looking for love, look for it in the right places.  A godly mate will make you stronger, but an ungodly spouse will corrupt you (1 Cor 15:33).

I am a christian.  I was saved when I was a teenager, but I was never baptized.  Does this mean that I am going to go to hell?  Also, I am engaged, but my fiancé is Jewish.  Is this wrong?  We both believe in God. Would it be wrong for me to go to synagogue?  Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I look forward to your answers.

Sincerely,
Preparing For The Future

Dear Preparing For The Future,

Let’s deal with the baptism question first.  Baptism is necessary for salvation.  The Bible teaches that when we believe and are baptized, we are saved (Mk 16:16).  Peter says that baptism saves us (1 Pet. 3:21), and Paul says that when we are immersed in baptism, we are buried with Christ and given a new life (Rom 6:1-3).  It is a wonderful thing that you believed in Christ as a teenager.  Without belief, baptism means nothing.  It is impossible to please God without faith (Heb 11:6).  However, biblical faith includes action (Jas 2:14-17, Jas 1:22).  Baptism is the first act of faith God requires of us, and it is baptism that removes our sins (Acts 2:38).  If you would like, we would be happy to get you in touch with someone in your area who could teach you further and, if you are ready, baptize you.  Simply e-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org if we can help.
Now let’s look at your engagement.  The Jewish religion does not believe and teach that Jesus is the Savior.  This is a very big problem.  The New Testament says that it is impossible to be saved without Jesus (Jhn 14:6).  The apostle John probably put it the bluntest when he said that any teacher that denies Jesus is a deceiver and enemy of God (2 Jn 1:7).  Modern Judaism is not a faithful religion.  God tells us to avoid marriages that will “unequally yoke” us (2 Cor 6:14).  Marriage is the most important and intimate relationship you will have on this planet.  If you aren’t worshipping the same God, your marriage will not work.  Even the wisest man in history, Solomon, found that his heart was turned from God because he married women that weren’t faithful (1 Kgs 11:4).  The Bible firmly warns against marrying non-christians.
We are sure that this information doesn’t make things easier for you, and it probably isn’t what you were hoping to hear, but we would rather tell you a painful truth than an easy lie.  We wish you the very best as you have some difficult decisions to consider.

I’ve been dating a Hindu woman for about eight months.  I have fallen in love with her.  I would love to marry her, as she would be a great wife.  However, she is not a christian.  Over the months, we have talked about religion, and she has shown some (a little) interest in Christianity.  I know only God can lead her to Christ, so this is the question I pose.  Is it selfish for me to pray for her to be lead to Christ, so I can be with her?  I feel this is a self-centered prayer because I want her to be saved because I want to be with her and have a Christ-centered relationship… and not really because of her salvation.  I feel guilty and very confused.  I have prayed about this for quite a while, and I hope you will be able to shed some light on this issue.  Thank you.

Sincerely,
Praying To Propose

Dear Praying To Propose,

Why can’t you have both?  It is possible to pray for her conversion because you love her and want to marry her and so that she can go to heaven.  The two goals aren’t mutually exclusive.  In fact, we can’t think of a better win-win scenario.  God tells us to pray for the things we want but to also pray that His will be done (Matt 6:10, Jas 4:15).  In this case, you know that what you want is definitely the same as what God wants.  God wants everyone to be saved (Ezek 18:23).  Pray for her, be a good example, prepare ahead of time in your heart to never marry a non-christian, and be ready to answer her questions with logical Bible answers (1 Pet 3:15).  Hopefully, she has as honest a heart as you hope.

Hi.  I have this issue of feeling alone.  I’m twenty-six and male, and never have I once had a relationship with a woman.  I’m extremely lonely to the point where I would throw myself in a bad experience just to validate my existence.  I pray every night to God for help.  I usually get so lonely I end up committing sins like porn, masturbation, etc.  It’s not because I want to; it’s because I do it out of habit from being alone for so long.  The longer I wait, the more I think my soul mate doesn’t exist.  Every time I think I have a chance with someone, I always find out they’re in a relationship, etc.  I love God, and even with my flaws, God is with me.  It’s just that I feel deep loneliness and a longing for companionship.

Sincerely,
Alone

Dear Alone,

You have eloquently articulated what is the root of your problem – loneliness.  Now it is time to take charge of your life and remove that loneliness.  When we desperately want a spouse, we can sometimes become myopic and forget that dating isn’t the only way to fill our lives with friendship.  The problem is loneliness; the solution is to get involved in peoples’ lives.  God tells us to replace bad habits with good ones (Lk 11:24-26).  By your own admission, you have the habit of being alone.  Get involved in the lives of others – go to church (we can help you find a faithful one in your area), socialize with people your age, hang out in public places like Starbucks instead of lingering alone at home, volunteer at local non-profit organizations like the food bank or the animal shelter.  In short, get out and get active.  You have no control over whether or not you are in a romantic relationship, but you have a great deal of control over how active your life is.

I have been dating a Jewish man, and one of our relationship issues is our belief in faith; I have been raised a christian, and saved as one, I am currently thinking of converting to Judaism for faith, but I will not denounce Jesus as my Savior.  What advice would you give someone in my situation?  I love this Jewish man, but I love Jesus and God as well; can there ever be a happy medium where two faiths can live in harmony?

Sincerely,
Hoping For A Hebrew Husband

Dear Hoping For A Hebrew Husband,

‘Inter-faith’ marriages have disastrous results, an awful track record, and God warns against them. The Bible’s most notorious example of this is Solomon. Solomon’s idolatrous wives turned the heart of the wisest man on the planet away from God (1 Kgs 11:4). If Solomon in all of his wisdom couldn’t resist the pull of a false religion, we should consider ourselves just as vulnerable. There is too much at stake. If your heart is turned away from God, your soul will be eternally destroyed (Heb 3:12).  Our caution would be that you must get on the same page religiously before proceeding any further in your relationship.  Jesus says that He is “the way, the truth, and the life, and no one comes to the Father except through Him” (Jhn 14:6).  Judaism simply won’t save your soul – plain and simple.  Jews are still waiting for the Messiah and they don’t accept the saving blood of Christ.

1. No matter how much you love each other, there are only four possible outcomes for a marriage to your Jewish boyfriend, and only one of them is good:
2. He eventually converts and obeys the gospel, becomes a christian, and is saved (GOOD).
3. You eventually convert and obey the Judaism, and you are both lost (BAD).
4. You both make compromises in your beliefs, and you no longer fully serve the Lord (BAD).
5. You both eventually renounce both of your belief systems, and are both lost (BAD).

The only positive outcome is the first one, and that isn’t any more likely to happen after you are married than before. Either he will eventually convert, or he won’t – getting married won’t increase the odds.

God warns against being ‘unequally yoked’ to someone with different values than you (2 Cor 6:14-16). Once you get married, you are ‘yoked’ to that person with a lifetime agreement. A godly marriage is designed around unity (Gen 2:24). If you aren’t unified on your core belief system, then everything else will be affected. Where will your children go to church? How much money will you contribute to Judaism vs. God’s church? What happens when he wants to put up teach Jewish customs to your family? These are just a few of the thousands of day-to-day problems you will run into. God tells us that a christian should marry someone ‘in the Lord’ (1 Cor 7:39). If he really does love the Lord as much as he loves you, his honesty and humility will guide him to accept the truth. If not, you are both better off knowing before entering into a heartbreaking marriage.

My boyfriend is a non-believer.  I attempt to get him to see that Christ is the only way, and he doesn’t listen.  Does God want me to stay with him, or am I wasting my time?

Sincerely,
Good News Girlfriend

Dear Good News Girlfriend,

God says that we should never be “unequally yoked” (2 Cor 6:14).  Our relationship with God needs to be the central focus of our life (Matt 22:37-38).  Marriage, which is the potential end result of your romantic relationship, is the most intimate union this side of heaven (Eph 5:31).  Marriage to someone that doesn’t have the same values as you is compared to two oxen being yoked to the same wagon with each oxen pulling the cart in a different direction – it will never work!  Solomon is the great example of this.  Solomon was the wisest man on the earth (1 Kgs 4:30-34).  Yet, even with all his wisdom, Solomon’s idol-worshipping wives tore his heart away from serving God (1 Kgs 11:4).  If it can happen to Solomon, it can happen to anyone.

Our religious views dictate how we live our lives.  One’s belief in God (or lack of belief) effects their ethics, how they manage finances, how they raise children, how they treat their spouse, how much effort they will put into marriage (and when they will feel justified in getting a divorce), and a plethora of other aspects in life.  In short, your religious views guide the very essence of who you are.
God designed christians to only marry other people who are “in the Lord” (1 Cor 7:39).  You will make your vows before God, and he will merely make his vows before man.  We could never, ever recommend that a christian marry an unbeliever… it would simply set you up for heartache and failure.  If your boyfriend is not willing to discuss and listen to spiritual things – it is probably time to throw this fish back; there are plenty of others in the sea.

My husband had a stroke in 2005 and has been in a nursing home for three years.  I take good care of him and always will, but I need a life.  I’m so unhappy; I’m still young enough to have someone in my life.  I have met a wonderful man that I care about, but I don’t want to go to hell either.  Will God understand if I have this other man in my life?  I know I took my vows for in sickness and in health, and I will always be there, but I don’t want to be alone either.  Please help me in this matter.

Sincerely,
Almost A Widow

Dear Almost A Widow,

Every marriage begins with hopes and dreams for a wonderful and beautiful future, but unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out that way.  We are so very sorry for your husband’s sickness and the trials it has wrought for your marriage; we cannot imagine how difficult it has been.  However, you didn’t write to us for a listening ear – but for Bible answers.  As you said, your vows bind you to your husband through the good times and through the bad – til’ death do you part.  Those vows don’t go away just because things haven’t turned out as you both envisioned (Matt 5:37).  If you choose to begin a new romantic relationship, it is adultery… Romans 7:1-3 is very clear on that subject.  Your husband is alive, and you are still bound to him.  You are in our prayers during this very difficult time.

My question regards generational curses.  My mother and father recently divorced.  I have now learned that my mother continues to have relationships with married men.  I somehow feel like her choices in her life will somehow curse me in relationships.  I have recently broken up with a man I thought I would have a future with.  Is this just the enemy trying to defeat me?  Thanks!

Sincerely,
Distressed Daughter

Dear Distressed Daughter,

Children pay for the choices their parents make… but not in the way you are concerned about.  People pay for the sins of those who have gone before.  If your father was an axe murderer, it would affect you, your children, maybe even your grandchildren (Ex 34:7)… but eventually he would be forgotten, and the consequences of his behavior would dissipate.  That is what the generational curse is – that children must live with the repercussions of their parents’ choices.  You are dealing with that right now.

Divorce affects children in horrific and lasting ways.  One of the repercussions is that you begin to doubt whether or not you are capable of having a lasting and faithful marriage.  The doubt and fear you have is a pain you endure because of your mother’s choices… but you don’t have to recreate home.  Every person has the God-given gift of free will (Matt 7:13-14).  God wants every marriage to be happy, faithful, and for a lifetime (Eph 5:31-33).  In spite of your parents’ choices, you can choose a godly spouse and live a godly marriage.  Your parents’ decisions cannot deny you the right to live faithfully and have a fully successful future.  In fact, make it a point to be the person who changes your family tree.

There has been something that I have been really struggling with; I am in a wonderful relationship, and my boyfriend treats me very well.  He is very sweet, considerate, and always takes care of me.  I have no problems with our relationship, but I have trouble dealing with his past.  When he was younger, he walked away from God and made many mistakes, but he has since then changed, come back to God, and put his act together.  What I struggle with is he has had multiple partners, and this really bothers me.  My question then is: how do I handle the feelings I have about this? Because he is a very godly man now, I just am having a hard time dealing with jealousy and insecurities from knowing he has been with other women.

Sincerely,
The New Girl

Dear The New Girl,

Sin can be forgiven, but its consequences still affect us.  There is nothing abnormal about being bothered with your boyfriend’s checkered past.  God’s design for marriage has always been one man and one woman for a lifetime (1 Cor 7:2).  Your boyfriend’s previous choices, which he openly admits were wrong, have defiled and marred the beginnings of your relationship (Heb 13:4).  Scripturally, you have no romantic obligation to him one way or the other.  You have to decide whether you can honestly let his old baggage go.  If you believe him to be a good and trustworthy man now (and it sounds like you do), then move forward knowing that all christians come with baggage (1 Cor 6:11).

I read your answer to my question. Yes, he did put himself in bad company which put him in the position to do the things he did.  He sees his mistakes by befriending these people and wants to become friends with the Lord.  I believe people can put themselves in situations for which they later have to suffer the consequences… and the consequences of this are a loss of trust and respect from me that he will have to show and earn back.  I also think that God can take anything from a person if they allow Him in their heart, and I feel that he wants this to happen.  It says in the Bible that good things can come of evil; could it be that the evil that was done was meant for not only him but me to become better friends with God?  I mean, we all make mistakes, and none of us are perfect, but does this mean we should throw people away for a wrong doing?  Before we became engaged, we seemed to have the same values, but somewhere around these bad people, he got lost in it.  People lose sight of God and lose their relationship with Him, but these same people can find their way back, right?

Yes, he would have to show me he can be trusted and prove that he would do right, and this will take time.  I, myself, am a recovering addict, and for eighteen years now, with God’s help, I have never looked back.  Shouldn’t I at the least allow him the chance to prove he can be strong enough to allow God to help him do the same for him?  Sometimes people only learn and grow through mistakes.  Thank you very much for giving me some Scriptures to help me.  I sometimes have a hard time finding my answers, but I pray, and that is how I ended up finding this website.

Sincerely,
Down With Drugs

Dear Down With Drugs,

There is nothing wrong with giving your fiancée a second chance as long as you realize the risk and the need to be careful before entering into marriage.  We do all make mistakes, and God constantly gives us second chances (Matt 18:21-22)… as long as you are aware that marriage isn’t a relationship that should begin until trust has been restored (remember, you know you can trust someone when their lifestyle has shown the fruits of change – Matt 7:16-20).  It is an admirable quality that you desire to help him and give him opportunity to start over.  It may very well be your kindness that helps him stay clean (Jas 5:20)… as long as you never forget that change is ultimately up to him (Php 2:12).

I have met a woman whom I’ve fallen in love with.  She has been separated from her husband (who committed several acts of adultery) for over a year and a half.  We wish to marry after the divorce is final; we are waiting on the last court date, which will make it final.  But both of us being believers, we are wanting to know if our relationship will be blessed by God, or are we adulterers ourselves in the eyes of God by starting a relationship before the divorce is final?  I’m good friends with her soon-to-be ex, and I know he has committed countless acts of sexual immorality with other women since they separated.  We both want to have a family appeasing to God, and she already has kids from him.  I guess it’s more of when is the divorce finalized in the eyes of God, so that she is free to find someone else?

Sincerely,
The Other Guy

Dear The Other Guy,

The Lord tells us to be above reproach (1 Tim 6:14) and to do what is honorable in the sight of all men (Rom 12:17)… being in a relationship with a woman who is still married (under any circumstances) violates those commands.  She has every right to divorce her husband (Matt 19:9), but until that divorce is final – she is married.  Therefore, if you are seeing her, then you are seeing another man’s wife.  Regardless of what may be in the future, that is the situation right now.  Each day has enough troubles of its own (Matt 6:34)… deal with tomorrow’s circumstances when they come.  Today, you need to keep your distance and show respect for her marriage, regardless of what duress it is under.

Is it a sin to be with my girlfriend if she does not believe in God?

Sincerely,
Faithful Boyfriend

Dear Faithful Boyfriend,

It isn’t a sin for you to have a girlfriend who isn’t a christian, but it is important that you make appropriate boundaries before progressing toward marriage.  The Bible teaches that we should only marry someone if they are in the Lord (1 Cor 7:39).  Marrying an unbeliever will tie you to someone who doesn’t have the same values as you (2 Cor 6:14).  The progress of your relationship will eventually need to stall if she doesn’t obey the gospel.  Religion is the most important factor in a marriage because it affects your morals, how you raise children, your finances, your hobbies, how you treat one another, and a thousand other elements of your future.  Be very careful when courting an unbeliever.

I have been talking to this guy for about seven months now.  We live in different cities.  I have fallen in love with him, and he has with me, too.  Here is the problem: he is married, but the two have never lived in the same house, shared debts, supported each other, and her family has him followed and is always putting him down.  Yes, they have had relations, and he wants a divorce but doesn’t believe he has biblical grounds to do so.  Does he have grounds to divorce her and marry me (which is what he wants to do in his heart, but he is afraid that if we do, then we are committing adultery, but he already has done that in his heart and isn’t sorry that he has fallen in love with me)?  I need help fast.

Sincerely,
Not His Wife

Dear Not His Wife,

He has absolutely no grounds to divorce her, and any level of romantic relationship that you two share is sinful and dangerous.  Regardless of the state of his marriage… he is married.  The fact that he has been rationalizing an extramarital affair for the last seven months hasn’t made it right.  It is important to realize that following your heart isn’t the same as doing the right thing (Pr 12:15).  In fact, doing the right thing is often a matter of doing the exact opposite of what we want to do (Matt 16:24).

If you choose to willfully sin, your soul is in eternal peril (Heb 10:26).  The best thing you can do for yourself and for him is to cut this relationship off.  There are many wonderful men in this world that you may pursue that won’t send you to hell.

I like this boy that is saved, and I have been wondering that if I love him now, will I still be in love with him while I’m in heaven?

Sincerely,
Big Crush

Dear Big Crush,

Romantic love, at least as we know it, will not exist in heaven.  Jesus says that there is no marriage in heaven (Matt 22:30).  Without marriage, there must be some sort of change in the relationships we have.  Love will certainly still exist once we enter the heavenly gates (1 Cor 13:8), but it will be different from what we have here.  Our relationships with others will change because we will change (1 Cor 15:51-52).

Two years ago, I was divorced from an abusive marriage.  I have been dating a christian man for about a year and a half.  I’m forty-six; he is fifty-three.  About six months, into our relationship we became intimate.  We have been having sex now for about a year.  We are very committed to each other (not sure about marriage).  He introduced me to a wonderful church, and I have become “spirit filled”.  Jesus is my Lord and Savior.  Recently, I went through a class called “Freedom in Christ”.  I had to ask forgiveness for my sexual immorality and pledge to myself and Christ that I will remain pure until marriage.  My boyfriend is in Alaska for two months; when he returns, how do I approach this?  What if he wants to end our relationship?  I had no problem jumping into the sack with him before he left, and now when he comes back, I don’t know how to approach this with him.  Please help.

Sincerely,
Fresh Start

Dear Fresh Start,

If in doubt, be honest.  You’ve made a decision to put Christ first in your life and are hoping that your boyfriend will respect that.  If he does, then you know what kind of man he is and can move forward in a moral courtship.  If he doesn’t respect that, he isn’t the kind of man the Lord would want you to be yoked to (2 Cor 6:14).  The truth has a freeing effect upon our lives (Jhn 8:32).  Be honest, be forthright, and be firm.  No matter what happens – fleeing sexual immorality is the right decision (1 Cor 6:18).  May you continue your journey to serve the Lord and seek truth (Eph 4:15); we applaud you for taking this very important step.

Hi, it’s been a while since I’ve asked you a question.  I have had it in my conscience recently, something that I need to get off my chest.  I have recently been talking to an ex-girlfriend who I care about a lot.  We were together before I was saved, and I broke up with her for a couple of problems in me and us.  We moved really fast, and we had premarital sex.  This decision sparked selfish urges in me that originally started when I first saw porn magazines in middle school.  I had seen them from time to time, and the feelings grew because I was living in the world.  What we did put me over the edge, and I cheated on her; it was long distance.  She still doesn’t know about it.

About seven months later, I broke up with her because I knew there was something wrong with me, and these urges couldn’t be controlled by me alone.  I set a course to find God, and through many falls, I finally was saved.  Before I left her, I gave her a Bible and told her that I didn’t feel comfortable with things we did and that I needed to leave her to find redemption.  She is living as a christian now but still young in the Word.  Through my years of experience, God has strengthened me not to fall and that  should confide in Jesus and my brothers for prayer and accountability.  We have recently started talking again, and I still see her as the person I want to be with for the rest of my life.

My question is: If I want to make it right and be with her, should I tell her all my secrets?  This is what I feel I’m led to do before I go any further with talking to her.

Sincerely,
A Lot Of Water Under The Bridge

Dear A Lot Of Water Under The Bridge,

You should be open with her about your past for two reasons:

1. Your conscience is bothering you about this, and you should always strive to have a pure conscience before God and man (1 Tim 3:9, 1 Tim 1:5).
2. God highly esteems honesty and truthfulness (Pr 24:26, Lk 8:15).

One of the hallmarks of a faithful life is the willingness to have our lives revealed by the light of truth (Jhn 3:19-21).  The truth always sets us free (Jhn 8:32).  You made it clear that you would like to see this relationship progress toward marriage someday.  Marriage is a commitment that makes your two lives into a shared existence (Eph 5:31).  Every healthy marriage is built upon Christ (Eph 5:23), love (Eph 5:28, 1 Cor 13:4-7), respect (Eph 5:33), and devotion (Eph 5:31, 1 Cor 7:33).  None of those things can properly exist with deception as the foundation.  It is better to tell the truth and lose her than to build a marriage upon lies (Pr 23:23).

Hi.  I am twenty-nine years old and interested in a girl.  Problem is, she was once married, and her husband left her for another girl.  She said she doesn’t care if she ever steps into a church again.  To the best of my knowledge (although I read and look for answers for life in the Bible every day), I cannot get involved with her unless her husband dies.  Where do I go with this?  Is it a sure no-go thing?

Sincerely,
Love From Afar

Dear Love From Afar,

She had every right to get a divorce because he left her and committed adultery (Matt 5:32)… but her eligibility is only one of the things you should be concerned about.

You mentioned that she isn’t interested in religion.  You do not want to pursue a relationship with someone who is unwilling to serve Christ.  God warns against becoming tied to a mate whose values don’t equal yours (2 Cor 6:14).  When a christian looks for a spouse, they should search for someone they can marry “in the Lord” (1 Cor 7:39).  There is nothing wrong with building a friendship with this woman, but before it gets too close, make sure that your values match.  You will spend a lifetime with your spouse, but your relationship with the Lord will affect your eternity (Matt 16:26).

I have a friend, and her mother is for marriage immediately.  Meaning, if her daughters are having “relations” with a man, then they are required to marry him in her eyes… she believes that by marrying the man they sleep with, they might as well get married; it will look better in God’s eyes.  For example, her daughter returned home from a year in rehab, and after a month home, her daughter met a man and started a relationship.  Her daughter then started staying out late with him, and within two months they were living together, and her mother told them to marry to make it right in God’s eyes.  Four months later, they are now married.  I was taught that marriage is sacred and to only marry when you love the person and understand the commitment and are ready to take that step and be faithful for the rest of your life.  What does the Bible say about “when” to get married?  Is their mother wrong?  If so, how is she wrong?

Sincerely,
Timing Is Everything

Dear Timing Is Everything,

Their mother’s view is a lot better than just living in a sinful relationship.  People in romantic relationships have two options – marry or keep your hands off each other.  Marriage is a lifetime commitment (Rom 7:2).  God says that if two people are burning with passion for each other, it is better to marry than to sin (1 Cor 7:9).  Self-control is a highly prized virtue in God’s eyes (2 Pet 1:6), but if you are unable to show self-control, then it is better to get married.  No matter what, living together before marriage is fornication – it is a sin (1 Cor 6:18).  The only place for sex is within marriage (1 Cor 7:2).

Hello, my question is: what does the Bible say about marriages by the court and not in a church?  Does God see them the same?  IF a guy was once lost and got married in the court and is now pursuing a relationship with God and a relationship with me but hasn’t actually filed for divorce but has been separated for three years now… what do I do?  I’m lost….

Sincerely,
Off The Market?

Dear Off The Market,

This man is married – you shouldn’t be pursuing a relationship with him.  It is a common myth that a couple must be married in a church building in order for the marriage to be valid.  In reality, the Bible never gives a single example of someone getting married in a church building… church buildings as we know them didn’t really even exist in the days of the early church.  What matters is the marriage vow.  Marriage is a commitment between a man and a woman (Matt 5:33)… a solemn agreement recognized by God (Matt 19:4-6).  As you readily admit, this man is separated from his wife but still bound to her.  He is trying to have an adulterous relationship with you.  Honor his marriage and make it clear that you want nothing to do with defiling it (Heb 13:4).

I am seeing a guy who has been married before.  His wife was unfaithful, and they divorced.  My mother is not supportive whatsoever because of the fact that God hates divorce.  But from reading, I understand that God permits him to remarry.  Am I correct?

Sincerely,
Cautious Courting

Dear Cautious Courting,

God absolutely hates divorce, but your boyfriend had every right to get a divorce.  Mal 2:16 makes it clear that God finds no pleasure in divorce.  Every divorce that has ever occurred has been caused by sin.  Divorce destroys families, hurts countless people, and leaves people with years of emotional damage.  God never intended for husbands and wives to split (Gen 2:24).

However, God does allow for divorce when fornication has occurred (Matt 19:9).  Your boyfriend had every right to divorce his spouse because fornication hardens the hearts in the marriage (Matt 19:8).  Your boyfriend is free to remarry.

Hi, I am a twenty-one-year-old English major; I have one more semester before I graduate.  My problem: I don’t believe that romantic love exists.  I know there are others that think the same.  Most people think they are in love, but when something comes along and they break up, they find out it wasn’t love or that they hate the person.  Relationships to me are pointless.  It’s unnecessary stress; more than half of marriages end in divorce within the first two to five years.  I can be completely successful without someone.  I actually thought about caring for someone, tried, but couldn’t.  Is there something wrong?  I’m in no way apathetic or whatever; I just don’t put emotions into something that I feel isn’t worth it.  I care about things.  Rarely have I been angry.  I’ve never been jealous.  I’m happy when I need to be happy.  I’m focused on graduating and getting the things I need done.  I get emotional over things such as when my grandfather died; I actually cried.  Am I incapable of caring about the one person that God may have sent for me to be in a romantic relationship with?

Sincerely,
Love Nausea

Dear Love Nausea,

Romantic love is a real thing, but it isn’t a necessity… and some people never get married.  The Bible dedicates an entire book of the Bible (Song of Solomon) to the subject of romantic love.  Marriage, when pursued by godly people, can be one of the most wonderful blessings on this planet.  After all, two are better than one (Eccl 4:9).  However, Christ made it clear that romantic love isn’t for everyone – some people were born without the desire for that type of relationship (Matt 19:12).  Paul wasn’t married and made it clear that he was able to serve the Lord more efficiently because of it (1 Cor 7:32-35).  You don’t have to pursue romantic love, and you are in now way “defective” if you aren’t interested in marriage.  We are all uniquely made by the Lord and have the freedom to serve Him through marriage or without it.  Don’t look down on those that pursue romance, and don’t feel bad about being different.

He says the Lord gave him a dream about me, and the Lord put us together; he has been a preacher for ten years… so he says.  I do love him, but I don’t know what to think.

Sincerely,
In A Trap?

Dear In A Trap,

Anyone that tells you that they have had a vision from the Lord is lying to you.  1 Cor 13:8-10 says that all prophecy and visions have ceased now that we have the perfect Bible.  We have written on this topic extensively in “Three Cheers For Miracles” and “I Dreamed A Dream”.  You are being deceived into leading a sinful life.  This preacher is a charlatan and is wickedly conning you into a lascivious relationship.  No matter what he says, you must leave this relationship and never look back.  Sin is sin, no matter how he makes you feel.

Is it right for a married woman and a divorced preacher to be together?  The preacher says that they were put together even though the woman was and still is married.  They’ve been together six months.  Her divorce comes up May 4th.  The preacher is divorced because his ex-wife committed adultery more than once… what to do?  Just want to do God’s will and live right.  Help.

Sincerely,
Spectator

Dear Spectator,

If the woman is married – she needs to stay away from this preacher and any other man other than her husband (1 Cor 7:2).  It seems pretty clear that this preacher isn’t paying attention to Scriptures if he is dating a married woman.  Even if she is currently separated from her husband… she is still married and should be trying to reconcile if at all possible (1 Cor 7:10-11).  This is not a man of God and not the kind of man she should be involved with.  In our experience, these types of men prey upon vulnerable women and use God’s word as a veil for deceit and lust.  Remember that the devil’s workmen disguise themselves as servants of light (2 Cor 11:14-15).

I am a teenager, and I believe that I am in love with my boyfriend. Because I am religious, my boyfriend understands that I cannot have sex until marriage, and he respects that.  But I have a question about what we are allowed to do.  We kiss and hug.  But sometimes, we perform sexual acts, such as touching and rubbing.  I am not sure if such acts are sinful.  I am worried about committing something bad that I am unaware of.  What should I do?

Sincerely,
Hands Off?

Dear Hands Off,

There is a difference between romantic acts and sexual acts… and sexual acts are for marriage only.  There is a line between a gentle kiss of affection and a lustful kiss of sexual appetite.  Until marriage, it is important that you and your boyfriend avoid lustful situations altogether.  Paul told Timothy to “flee youthful lusts” (2 Tim 2:22), and 1 Thess 4:5 warns against the “passions of lust”.  Don’t defile the beauty of the marriage bed (Heb 13:4) by jumping into lustful activities before your vows.  The reason you are so worried is because you know what a dangerous and emotional game you and your boyfriend are caught up in.  You are playing with fire.  If you do get married, there will be many blissful and happy years to enjoy each others’ physical attentions… and if he isn’t the one, you won’t later regret keeping yourself pure for your husband.

I have a friend at work that is having sex on a website called 2^nd life.  And he has a wife; would you consider him cheating on his wife; is that adultery or some form of adultery?  Also, are we sinning by listening to him tell us these stories?  What advice should we give him?  We already told him that he should not be on that website because it might get out of hand.  Please help.  Thanks.

Sincerely,
Concerned Employee

Dear Concerned Employee,

Yes, what this man is doing is a sin.  Jesus says that we commit adultery in our heart when we lust after a woman that is not our wife (Matt 5:28).  There is debate over whether or not what your friend is doing is at a level that can be deemed fornication… but there is no doubt that it is wrong.  Any man that has started a second life (ironically, the same name as the game) in order to pursue illicit relationships is living a very ungodly and harmful lifestyle.

The Scriptures teach that the best thing you can do is to rebuke him privately in hopes that you can win him back (Matt 18:15), but ultimately, you cannot continue to encourage this horrible behavior by listening to him recount his sinful experiences.  Continuing in your current pattern will corrupt you (1 Cor 15:33), and it will continue to feed the flame of his bad choices.  In the end, you are doing him more good by rebuking him than by continuing to flatter him by giving ear to his escapades (Pr 28:23).

I am fifty-two-years-old and have met someone.  We were both in previous long-term relationships.  We have been very good friends for about four years and started dating about four weeks ago.  Her relationship was for fifteen years in which she and he had lived together but never married.  She now has concerns about pre-marital sex in our relationship.  She feels strongly that it is immoral.  I believe in God but do not attend church.  I don’t understand why there seems to be a double standard.  Advice?

Sincerely,
A New Flame

Dear A New Flame,

Regardless of what this woman’s previous lifestyle was, sexual relations outside of marriage are wrong (1 Cor 7:2).  There is a double standard – her previous standard and her current standard… which is the right one.  We will give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she has repented for the previous fifteen years of sinful living and has faithfully decided to flee fornication (1 Cor 6:18).

You state that you “believe in God, but do not attend church”.  Do you believe in the Bible?  Do you believe the Bible is God’s Word?  If the Bible is God’s Word, then you need to be attending a faithful church (Heb 10:24-25).  These are questions that are very important to answer because they will affect your eternal existence.  We recommend you read through some of the posts in our EVIDENCES category in the archives.  There is immense evidence that God wrote the Bible, that we must obey the Bible in order to go to heaven, and that hell is a very real and terrifying place.  You have done well in believing in God, and we urge you to not stop there.

I recently had sex without being married.  Can I be forgiven, and will I still go to heaven?

Sincerely,
Worried

Dear Worried,

Yes, you can be forgiven… but you need to change your lifestyle.  For a christian to be forgiven of a sin, they need to confess their sins (1 Jn 1:8-10) and then repent (Acts 3:19).  ‘Repent’ means ‘to change your mind’.  Part of true repentance is fleeing from future fornication (1 Cor 6:18).  You need to make sure that this single act doesn’t become a lifestyle.  Sincere confession and repentance are all that a christian needs to do to receive forgiveness – however, if you are not yet a christian, you also need to be baptized to receive salvation (1 Pet 3:21, Mk 16:16, Acts 2:38).  If you would like help finding a faithful church to attend where you can start a new life with the hope of heaven, e-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org, and we will help you locate a group of God-fearing believers in your area.

I am very confused right now.  I know that God wants us to marry if we are to be in a sexual relationship with someone.  My circumstances are different.  I have a child from a previous relationship, and nearly five years later, I met a man whom I fell in love with.  We had a child, and, of course, this made things bad; we separated.  Now I am really trying to learn God’s way and obedience; my sisters tell me that God has someone special for me because they don’t like the current man I am with, but then I have heard that you can’t find the love from another human being and that you should be trying to find and keep with God.  Should I wait for this mystery man or not worry about it and try to start understanding more about God’s love?

Sincerely,
Looking For Love

Dear Looking For Love,

Before considering marrying someone, you need to know what God says on the subject.  There are many verses that address when you should get married and to whom you should marry.

1. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, literally, a “’til death do us part” vow (Rom 7:2-3).  Anyone you consider marrying needs to be someone that you are willing to commit to and trust through all the trials of life.
2. Husbands are the head of the family (Eph 5:23).  Any man that you marry will lead you and your children by his example and decisions.  Ask yourself whether you trust him to make decisions in your best interest.  Will this man be a husband with a servant’s heart (Jhn 13:13-15) or a husband that rules with selfishness (Jas 3:14-16)?
3. Will He be a man of morality and character?  God tells us that we should only marry those that are “in the Lord” (1 Cor 7:39).  The reason for this is that marriage is the strongest bond with any human you will have in this life.  Bad company corrupts good morals (1 Cor 15:33), and faithful friends make us stronger (Eccl 4:9).  Anyone you marry needs to be someone who will draw you closer to God.
4. The emotion of passion is strong, but it is also fleeting.  True love is not just a feeling… but the choice to live unselfishly for one another (1 Cor 13:4-7).  Make your choice for a spouse based upon the choices he makes, not off of your emotions at the moment.  An emotional decision may very well get you into a marriage you will regret for a lifetime.

And when all is said and done: pray (1 Thess 5:17).  God blesses those that trust Him.

Well, the last couple of days have really been tough…my girlfriend and I thought we conceived a baby (we are not married, and I know that is a sin), but I asked for forgiveness… but then it all fell apart.  I loved her and trusted her… she ended up telling me there was a possibility that the baby might not be mine; she left me because it was hard to be with me after she told me, and I admit it was hard, but I was willing to forgive and let go, but she left, and now she has told me that the doctors told her she probably lost the child.  I don’t know if the kid was mine, but I feel like it was.  I had dreams about it and saw myself with a lil’ boy I had never seen before.  I was so happy to find out I was going to be a daddy and was going to raise him right by God.  I’m not sure if it’s mine or if she miscarried.  I just want advice on why things like this happen.  I tried my hardest to make it work, and I wanted to be happy, but it all fell apart.  I’m twenty years old, and this is one of the hardest, if not the hardest, things I’ve ever dealt with.  I lost the love of my life and my possible child, plus she had a daughter, and she would call me “Dad”, so it’s like I lost two children.  Please, I need the Lord’s Word to get through this, so please help!

Sincerely,
Floundering

Dear Floundering,

You are experiencing the pain of sin in a very real and personal way.  God does offer forgiveness if we place our faith in Him (read “What Must I Do To Be Saved” for more details), but that forgiveness doesn’t remove the consequences of sin.  David sinned when he committed adultery with Bathsheba (2 Sam 11:2-4); God forgave David of the sin when David repented (2 Sam 12:13), but David’s child still died as a consequence of that sin (2 Sam 12:14).  Sin has both spiritual and physical consequences.  The spiritual consequence of sin is eternal death unless we are forgiven in Christ (Rom 6:23).  The physical consequences of sin still remain after forgiveness.  God says that we reap what we sow (Gal 6:7).  When we behave immorally toward a woman, lose our temper, mistreat others, are bad examples for our children, etc. – there are consequences to those choices.  God wants you to have a happy and healthy life here on this planet.  The only way to do that is to trust His Word that teaches us everything about life (2 Pet 1:3).  We are so sorry that your road has been so difficult as of late; hopefully, this will become an opportunity for you to start with a new commitment to live as God intends.  If you would like help finding a faithful congregation in your area (not all churches are equal) to help you on that journey, we would be happy assist you in locating one.  Simply e-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org.

I met a lady who is a christian (as I am).  We have been both been married four times each and have determined that marriage is not the answer for us.  I love her heart and soul; we share Scripture together, etc. The problem is sex; she feels that it’s completely wrong outside of marriage.  Is there any hope for us?  We are both forty-six.

Sincerely,
0 for 4

Dear 0 for 4,

There isn’t any hope for you unless you start listening to her because she is right, and you are wrong.  It is always sinful for people to lay with one another outside of marriage (1 Cor 7:1-4).  Sex outside of marriage is called ‘fornication’ – it is sinful and will bring you into judgment (Heb 13:4).  Hell will be full of those who don’t honor God’s commands regarding chastity (Rev 21:8).  You must obey God’s commandments as well as this woman’s desire to be righteous.  Make sure that you avoid sin and cease putting stumbling blocks in front of this woman (Matt 18:7).

Then would it have been fine for me to have had a hundred sexual partners before I decided to settle down with one woman, since it’s not adultery?  It’s like there is no punishment for the sin of premarital sex in our modern society, but if I were to have been with one woman in my life and was married to her, and I then divorce her… the church condemns me for it???  But as I mentioned above, sex with a hundred women is okay so long as I wasn’t married to any of them?  That’s a church (people) being hypocritical I think!

Sincerely,
Sin Should Cost

Dear Sin Should Cost,

The Scriptures condemn both behaviors.  Both are equally wrong.  Divorce is wrong, and premarital sex is wrong.  We are not condemning one behavior more or less than the other.  Don’t mistake us, both sins are equally wrong.  All sin is worthy of death (Rom 6:23) and can only be forgiven when we turn, repent, and choose a new life in Christ (Gal 2:20).

I was in and out of a relationship for about five years.  Things were pretty good with her, but there was one period that we were apart for a whole year during the five-year period.  I felt that this girl was the love of my life, and we got back together.  During the year apart, however, I sinned with another woman…then I lied about it when I got back with the original girl.  Finally, I told her the truth after being with her for about a year more, and she broke things off.  It has been about six months since we broke up, and I still feel like I love her and that she is the love of my life.  I am feeling discouraged and a bit hopeless in finding another woman that I will feel the same way about since I live in a somewhat remote area from other young people.  It is even affecting my faith as it is on my mind quite often.  I know I sinned greatly and have repented of those sins, but is this feeling a scar for my sins?  Should I try to win her back again?  How can I get rid of this feeling and be more optimistic towards love?

Sincerely,
Love Lost

Dear Love Lost,

The pain you are feeling is a consequence of sin.  We reap what we sow (Gal 6:7), and you have the battle scars to prove the cost of poor choices.  The most important thing is that you seek and get forgiveness from God for your sins (1 Jn 1:9)… regardless of whether your ex-girlfriend ever forgives you.  We recommend you read “What Must I Do To Be Saved?” to see what the Bible teaches on the subject of salvation and forgiveness of sins.  Making your life right with God is the most important step in repenting of sin.

It is always difficult when a romantic relationship ends (especially near Valentine’s Day – also known as Singles Awareness Day), but God promises that if you serve Him, all things will work together for good in your life (Rom 8:28).  God tells us to not rush love and romantic relationships (Songs 8:4).  If you work on becoming the kind of person you ought to be, the Lord will bless you.  Make a decision to become a person prepared to serve God in whatever capacity He sees fit (2 Tim 2:21).  When you allow Christ to live in you, life turns out right (Gal 2:20).

I understand that marrying a non-believer may not be the smartest thing to do because it is likely to cause more problems than if you married a Christian; however, would it prevent me from going to heaven?

Sincerely,
Not An Atheist

Dear Not An Atheist,

No single sin will prevent you from going to heaven, but the mentality of “Well, it’s only one sin; maybe it isn’t that big of a deal”… can.  A murderer who repents of murder can go to heaven (Paul did – 1 Tim 1:15-16).  A thief who repents can go to heaven (the thief on the cross did – Lk 23:39-43).  All sins can be forgiven in Christ (1 Jn 1:7), but what you are asking is different.  You are asking whether or not you can do something wrong and it be okay… that is a dangerous path to travel.  The moment we begin “cutting corners” with our salvation, we run into problems.  We can’t tell you that marrying a non-believer will send you to hell, but we have told you that it is a sin.  A sin is a sin – avoid them all.