My mom was adopted, so we don’t know her family history well.  What would you do if you found out your boyfriend of twelve years maybe your cousin?  We have no children together.  He doesn’t know we may be cousins… we live together… WHAT DO WE DO FROM HERE?

Sincerely,
Regretful Researcher

Dear Regretful Researcher,

The very first thing you need to do is stop living together before you are married.  More important than any biological issues your future children may have, you are sinning, and that is much worse than any physical problem.  The reason people don’t get married – but instead (outside of marriage) have sex, live together, have children together, and eventually destroy their lives – is because we spend our lives making up the rules as we go.  We live our lives by the “what-makes-me-feel-good-right-now” philosophy.  We have no real standard to live by other than what we feel at the moment.  Like Pilate, we ask, “What is truth?” (Jhn 18:38) because we don’t know where to find the right answers to life.  How can we know what is the right thing to do?  Only the Creator can give us a rulebook for life that allows us to comfortably say, “I’m making the right choice.”  Jesus is the truth, the way, and the life (Jhn 14:6).  All the answers to life are found in His Scriptures (2 Pet 1:3).  If we want our relationships, our families, our careers, and our lives to work, we have to use the manual.

Biblically, there is nothing wrong with marrying your cousin – people did it quite commonly just a couple generations ago.  You would have to consider the medical ramifications of having children, but that is a medical decision – not a moral one.  As we said, more importantly than anything else is that you make your lives right with God.

I am pregnant and have an abusive boyfriend, both physically and emotionally.  I want to leave but don’t want to go through pregnancy alone, and I don’t want my baby to have no father figure.  I feel like God has wanted this for me and that I am now too old to find a partner in life.  Do I leave?

Sincerely,
Mother In Distress

Dear Mother In Distress,

Any man that beats women isn’t a father figure, so staying with him isn’t a blessing to your unborn child.  God tells us to train up a child in the way they should go so that when they are older, they won’t depart from the righteous path (Pr 22:6).  It is understandable that you are scared right now, and our hearts go out to you in your loneliness.  Just remember, life is too short to continue to walk down the wrong road – at some point, the brave thing to do is to turn around and start walking the right direction (Acts 17:30).  What kind of person do you want your child to become?  Whatever you want your child to be, you must first be for them.  By leaving an abusive relationship, fleeing sexual immorality, and turning to God, you will be starting a legacy of faith for your unborn son or daughter.  Your bravery will teach them to be brave.  Also, you don’t have to be alone in this… in fact, you shouldn’t be.  There are faithful congregations of godly people all over the country that can help you as you start on your new path.  Not all churches serve God, but we would be happy to help you find one in your area that is faithful and ready to help teach and encourage you through this new beginning.  E-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org if we can help you find a church near you.

(This post is a follow-up to the post “Set A Date”)

I saw your post about dating, but is it true that not every one is blessed?  I believe that not every one finds their love.  There are a lot of people out there without a wife or a husband.  I don’t believe that there is a girl or boy for everyone.

Sincerely,
Lone Star

Dear Lone Star,

Matt 19:12 says that there are three reasons that people decide to never marry.

1. They are born without a desire for marriage.
2. Life circumstances lead to their bachelorhood.
3. They choose to abstain from marriage so as to better serve God.

You are right that some people never get married.  Though the majority of people decide to, marriage isn’t necessary to serve God.

The other issue that you bring up is the idea that people have one right person for them to marry – a “soul mate”.  The Bible never teaches the idea that there is only one fish in the sea for each of us.  The Bible says a lot about how to find a godly spouse, but it never implies that there is only one right person for each of us.  If that were the case, it would be wrong to remarry after your spouse dies because you had already found “the one”, and any other marriage would be with someone that wasn’t your soul mate.

What does the Bible say about dating?

Sincerely,
Kiss And Tell?

Dear Kiss And Tell,

The Bible gives no specific statements about how to look for a future spouse. God instead speaks to the attitudes we must have and the dangers that exist in the world of romance.

1. Don’t force it.  Song of Solomon is an entire book devoted to romance and marriage.  The chorus of that book is the same over and over (SS 2:7) – it is a warning to avoid forcing relationships merely for the ‘fun’ of romance.
2. Avoid all appearances of evil (1 Thess 5:22).  Make sure to never put yourself in a situation with someone of the opposite sex that would compromise your (or their) reputation or morals.
3. Who they are matters more than how they look.  The Bible praises godly spouses for their character (Pr 31:10).  Beauty fades, but one’s values endure.  Make sure you are spending your time getting to know the person for who they are and for what they find important.
4. Treat them with respect.  The Scriptures tell us to treat people of the opposite gender like brothers and sisters (1 Tim 5:2).  How would you want your siblings to be treated?  Make sure you are behaving in a godly way toward anyone you are dating or courting.
5. Surround yourself with godly advice.  When we are in the here and now of a romantic relationship, we often get caught up with our emotions and lose perspective.  That makes it especially important to get the advice of those around you who are wiser and less biased.  Parents, grandparents, and other trusted advisors should be sought out as you search for a mate.  Surrounding yourself with many good counselors protects you from making a emotional decision that has lifelong consequences (Pr 11:14).

Marriage is one of the greatest blessings that God gives mankind.  If we do it God’s way, finding a spouse can be a joy and lead to a lifetime of happiness.

My boyfriend calls me ‘Satan’ sometimes when he is angry with me.  He also calls his mom ‘Lucifer’ because she has a mental condition and sometimes curses for no reason.  So he said she is Lucifer for acting that way.  I’m called Satan because I may say something that does not appeal to him, but I’m not cursing or name-calling.  We are both christians so… I’m confused that he feels it is acceptable in the eyes of God that it is okay to freely use the word Satan towards my character.  In the Bible, where can I find it that we should refrain from name-calling?

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Disgruntled Girlfriend

Dear Disgruntled Girlfriend,

We feel pretty comfortable in saying that your boyfriend needs an attitude check – that is not the way to talk to people.  God tells us to make sure our speech is “seasoned with grace” (Col 4:6).  We are told to avoid all corrupt speech and to only say things that will edify the hearers (Eph 4:29).  The apostle Peter commanded us to “refrain our tongues from evil” and “speak without guile” (1 Pet 3:10).  Name-calling (especially referring to someone as the most evil being in existence!) is totally inappropriate.  There is only one reference in the Bible to calling someone Satan, and that is Mk 8:33 when Jesus rebuked Peter by saying, “Get behind Me, Satan”.  This was because Peter was commanding Jesus to not sacrifice Himself on the cross – a direct contradiction to God’s will (Mk 8:31-32).  If the Son of God only used the term in the most extreme circumstance… we should be vary wary of ever using that sort of strong language.

What does the Bible (and where) say about two people living together prior to marriage?

 

Sincerely,
Spare Key

Dear Spare Key,

Moving in together would be a sin as well as a temptation toward further sin. No matter how pure our intentions might be, two people of the opposite sex living together looks bad. Even if you weren’t actually sleeping together, nobody would believe you. God tells us to abstain from every form of evil (1 Thess 5:22). The word ‘form’ in that verse literally means “shape or appearance”. Christians need to not only avoid sin – but avoid looking like they are sinning. A boyfriend and girlfriend living together (no matter how chaste) looks like a sinful relationship. The Bible also tells us to do the things which are ‘honorable in the sight of all men’ (Rom 12:17, 2 Cor 8:21). Consider what living together before marriage does to the honor of your girlfriend/boyfriend. God wants you to do what is in their best interest and uphold their reputation and honor.

Secondarily, the temptation to sleep together will certainly grow with living together. There is nothing abnormal about a man and a woman being strongly attracted to each other. God recognizes that young people naturally are inclined to burn with passion for the opposite sex (1 Cor 7:9). The key is to make sure you don’t put yourselves in a position that could compromise your integrity. We are to ‘flee fornication’ (1 Cor 6:18) and be wise as serpents in regard to righteousness (Matt 10:16). Don’t set yourselves up to sin.

The idea of living together before marriage is a modern one – not a Biblical one. Biblically speaking, if you aren’t ready to get married, you aren’t ready to live together. The deepest act of love you could show to your girlfriend/boyfriend would be to wait until you are ready for marriage.