What does the Bible say about dating?

Sincerely,
Kiss And Tell?

Dear Kiss And Tell,

The Bible gives no specific statements about how to look for a future spouse. God instead speaks to the attitudes we must have and the dangers that exist in the world of romance.

1. Don’t force it.  Song of Solomon is an entire book devoted to romance and marriage.  The chorus of that book is the same over and over (SS 2:7) – it is a warning to avoid forcing relationships merely for the ‘fun’ of romance.
2. Avoid all appearances of evil (1 Thess 5:22).  Make sure to never put yourself in a situation with someone of the opposite sex that would compromise your (or their) reputation or morals.
3. Who they are matters more than how they look.  The Bible praises godly spouses for their character (Pr 31:10).  Beauty fades, but one’s values endure.  Make sure you are spending your time getting to know the person for who they are and for what they find important.
4. Treat them with respect.  The Scriptures tell us to treat people of the opposite gender like brothers and sisters (1 Tim 5:2).  How would you want your siblings to be treated?  Make sure you are behaving in a godly way toward anyone you are dating or courting.
5. Surround yourself with godly advice.  When we are in the here and now of a romantic relationship, we often get caught up with our emotions and lose perspective.  That makes it especially important to get the advice of those around you who are wiser and less biased.  Parents, grandparents, and other trusted advisors should be sought out as you search for a mate.  Surrounding yourself with many good counselors protects you from making a emotional decision that has lifelong consequences (Pr 11:14).

Marriage is one of the greatest blessings that God gives mankind.  If we do it God’s way, finding a spouse can be a joy and lead to a lifetime of happiness.

My boyfriend calls me ‘Satan’ sometimes when he is angry with me.  He also calls his mom ‘Lucifer’ because she has a mental condition and sometimes curses for no reason.  So he said she is Lucifer for acting that way.  I’m called Satan because I may say something that does not appeal to him, but I’m not cursing or name-calling.  We are both christians so… I’m confused that he feels it is acceptable in the eyes of God that it is okay to freely use the word Satan towards my character.  In the Bible, where can I find it that we should refrain from name-calling?

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Disgruntled Girlfriend

Dear Disgruntled Girlfriend,

We feel pretty comfortable in saying that your boyfriend needs an attitude check – that is not the way to talk to people.  God tells us to make sure our speech is “seasoned with grace” (Col 4:6).  We are told to avoid all corrupt speech and to only say things that will edify the hearers (Eph 4:29).  The apostle Peter commanded us to “refrain our tongues from evil” and “speak without guile” (1 Pet 3:10).  Name-calling (especially referring to someone as the most evil being in existence!) is totally inappropriate.  There is only one reference in the Bible to calling someone Satan, and that is Mk 8:33 when Jesus rebuked Peter by saying, “Get behind Me, Satan”.  This was because Peter was commanding Jesus to not sacrifice Himself on the cross – a direct contradiction to God’s will (Mk 8:31-32).  If the Son of God only used the term in the most extreme circumstance… we should be vary wary of ever using that sort of strong language.

What does the Bible (and where) say about two people living together prior to marriage?

 

Sincerely,
Spare Key

Dear Spare Key,

Moving in together would be a sin as well as a temptation toward further sin. No matter how pure our intentions might be, two people of the opposite sex living together looks bad. Even if you weren’t actually sleeping together, nobody would believe you. God tells us to abstain from every form of evil (1 Thess 5:22). The word ‘form’ in that verse literally means “shape or appearance”. Christians need to not only avoid sin – but avoid looking like they are sinning. A boyfriend and girlfriend living together (no matter how chaste) looks like a sinful relationship. The Bible also tells us to do the things which are ‘honorable in the sight of all men’ (Rom 12:17, 2 Cor 8:21). Consider what living together before marriage does to the honor of your girlfriend/boyfriend. God wants you to do what is in their best interest and uphold their reputation and honor.

Secondarily, the temptation to sleep together will certainly grow with living together. There is nothing abnormal about a man and a woman being strongly attracted to each other. God recognizes that young people naturally are inclined to burn with passion for the opposite sex (1 Cor 7:9). The key is to make sure you don’t put yourselves in a position that could compromise your integrity. We are to ‘flee fornication’ (1 Cor 6:18) and be wise as serpents in regard to righteousness (Matt 10:16). Don’t set yourselves up to sin.

The idea of living together before marriage is a modern one – not a Biblical one. Biblically speaking, if you aren’t ready to get married, you aren’t ready to live together. The deepest act of love you could show to your girlfriend/boyfriend would be to wait until you are ready for marriage.

Why should I wait for sex?

Sincerely,
Just Askin’

Dear Just Askin’,

There are two ways to answer your question.  One way to answer your question would be to list the thousands of statistics that describe how much healthier of a lifestyle monogamy is.  We could explain the risks of promiscuity and the increased failure rate of relationships that pursue intimacy before marriage.  There are studies far and wide that prove the healthiest, happiest, and most well-adjusted relationships are monogamous relationships that wait until marriage… but that isn’t the way we are going to answer your question because as compelling as secular studies are, they aren’t nearly as compelling as the Bible.

The other way to answer your question is to tell you that God says sex outside of marriage is a sin and that we should flee all fornication (1 Cor 6:18).  God designed that level of intimacy for marriage only (Eph 5:31).  Our Creator knows what is best for us, and His Bible says sex outside of marriage is a sin.  That is why you should wait.

Our daughter, who is seventeen and living at home, has a boyfriend who is nineteen.  He wants to move out on his own and experience something new.  What would be your advice/approach when dealing with them spending time together alone at his new place, going over to visit, watch movies, etc.  Although they have given us no reason to not trust them, I am having problems giving permission to this “alone” time.

Sincerely,
Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned Parent,

Different parents will give different advice in these circumstances, but you aren’t crazy for having concerns.  The important thing is to be able to explain things to your daughter and her boyfriend in biblical terms.  Whatever your decision is, if you can give Scripture for your feelings, it will take the trust issues out of the picture.  As you said, it isn’t about these two trustworthy young people; it is about the natural temptations and passions of youth.  So here are some verses that can be used in your discussions:

1. God says that it is natural and normal for young people to be attracted to one another (1 Cor 7:9).  This is a natural part of the romance process, but it is also important for them to not put themselves in a position where this attraction can lead to regrettable decisions in the heat of the moment.
2. The Song of Solomon is a poetic book of the Bible devoted to romantic love.  The chorus of that song says, “don’t awaken or stir up love until he pleases” (SS 3:5).  God’s warning to those in the courtship process is to not force things and not to go too fast.  The goal is to slow down and get to know the person… the risk of spending copious amounts of time alone is that the relationship begins to speed up in all the wrong ways.
3. A reputation is a difficult thing to build but an easy thing to destroy.  Your daughter and her boyfriend currently have good reputations, which are more valuable than riches (Pr 22:1).  Part of your job as parents is to help protect their good name.  When a young woman spends a lot of time at a single man’s apartment… it looks a certain way.  This is worth explaining to them.

You will need to decide what conversation to have with your daughter and her boyfriend when and if he gets an apartment, but those are some Bible verses to help provide context to the ground rules you will set.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years, and we’ve been talking a lot about getting married.  I really love him, and he loves me, but he’s leaving soon for the military.  I was wondering: if I went and lived on the base after I graduated, would that be against God’s law?  I know it says in the Bible that you aren’t supposed to live with your partner if you aren’t married, but what if he didn’t stay in the same place as me?

Sincerely,
Not Quite Mrs. Yet

Dear Not Quite Mrs. Yet,

Your question is an issue of wisdom, and there are several biblical principles to consider:

1. What will it look like to others if you are living on base as his “partner” without being married?  God tells us to avoid sin and all appearances of sin (1 Thess 5:22).  We should strive to do what is honorable to God and appears honorable to man (Rom 12:17).  Without knowing all the details, our guess is that most people would perceive that you have been sleeping together if you are living on base while he is overseas.  This needs to be taken into account.
2. If you are living in an arrangement that married people would live in… why aren’t you married?  Sometimes people marry too quickly, and sometimes people wait too long to marry.  God wants us to use wisdom and not jump too hastily into wedding vows, but He also tells young people to avoid a situation where they will burn for each other uncontrollably (1 Cor 7:8-9).  It may be that this potential living arrangement is a case of “playing with fire”, and it would be better off to marry (or live elsewhere) and remove all chance of sin.

Don’t mistake us; we cannot tell you that this arrangement would be overtly sinful (as you said, he wouldn’t even be living in the same place), but those are some Bible principles worth considering before you make a decision.