How do you forgive someone if they have not asked for forgiveness and/or if they act as though they are not in error?  I’ve heard some say you should simply be ready to forgive.  I know I should not have ill will or resentful feelings, but how can I forgive if forgiveness has not been requested?  We are only forgiven by God when we request it….

Sincerely,
Apology Acceptor

Dear Apology Acceptor,

Depending on the situation, you may or may not forgive the person (more on this further down), but no matter what: you can’t, absolutely CAN’T, treat the person poorly or allow bitterness to engulf you.  Whether you forgive someone or not, we are all to love even our enemies (Lk 6:27) and treat them with kindness and love.  Furthermore, bitterness of heart is a disease that is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to suffer (Heb 12:15).

With that said, here are some things to consider with forgiveness.  You have to forgive all christians (Matt 18:35).  If they are good enough for God to forgive, they are good enough for you to forgive.  If the person is not a christian, you may find that they are purposefully continuing to harm you and abuse you.  If this is the case, it is fair to say that you do not need to forgive them.  God is willing to forgive when we repent, but ready to forgive is different than actually forgiving (Ps 86:5).  Another factor to consider is that Jesus asked God to forgive people who were crucifying Him.  “Forgive them for they know not what they do”(Lk 23:34) is a very powerful statement.  Jesus made it clear that oftentimes people do the wrong thing out of ignorance.  If they had only known, they would have acted differently.  It is always a good idea to give people the benefit of the doubt.   If in doubt, forgiveness is always a better option.

How do you feel about letting the Pastor know that some people he has in leadership – worship leading and youth group – are drinking alcohol on the side while posting their publicly drunken pictures on the internet? Would it be wrong to bring this to his attention? I might add that this couple is in the “Pastor’s clique.” This has been something breaking my soul, knowing that these people have been on stage lifting their hands, praising God on Sunday, and teaching impressionable teens who have access to these pictures — then they are in bars and at parties on Saturday night. Am I sinning knowing it’s happening and saying nothing? Pastors shouldn’t even have “circles or cliques”, right? Please pray and help. I am broken.

Sincerely,
Caught In The Middle

Dear Caught In The Middle,

Yes, you must say something about it. For the sake of addressing the main purpose of your question and not getting distracted, we aren’t going to deal with the issue that your congregation is led by a single pastor, but we recommend you read “Elders” to better understand the problem of a congregation being led by one man. After that, ask your pastor where in the Bible he can find an example of a congregation being led by a single pastor.

Back to the topic, though. Your specific question dealt with whether or not to say something when you know someone else is sinning. If you know there is sin in your congregation, you must address it. Paul condemned the Corinthians because they allowed someone to flagrantly live a life of sin and remain amongst them (1 Cor 5:1-2). God tells us that if our brother sins, we must confront him privately (Matt 18:15). If that doesn’t work, bring one or two others with you and confront him again (Matt 18:16). If that still doesn’t work – bring it to the leadership of the congregation, and if he still won’t repent, then the congregation is to withdraw from him (Matt 18:17). You have a responsibility to make the sin known for the sake of the person’s soul and for the sake of the spiritual health of the others that they influence.

Some sins we commit when we act the wrong way, and sometimes we sin because we failed to act. If you know someone is openly sinning (and especially if you have evidence, like in your case), you must act. God requires it of you, and if the congregation won’t act as God intends… I recommend reading “Finding A Church”.

A while back, we had been talking about forgiveness and how you should keep forgiving people. What if they keep doing the same things to you and really aren’t sorry. How are you supposed to forgive then?

Sincerely,
Hard To Forget

Dear Hard To Forget,

It is true that christians must forgive all other christians, but there is a difference between forgiveness and trust. David forgave Saul for trying to kill him, but David didn’t trust Saul after multiple attempts on his life (1 Sam 26:21-25). When we forgive someone, we no longer hold the debt of their sin against them (Matt 6:12); this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t use wisdom in our dealings with them (Matt 10:16).

Christians often forgive people for things they haven’t repented of yet. Stephen asked that God forgive the people that were stoning him (Acts 7:60). Jesus, our Lord, did the same thing as He hung on the cross (Lk 23:34). But in both cases, it is safe to say that the people they forgave weren’t trustworthy. Their forgiveness opened the way to the possibility of a healthy relationship over time. We must follow their example. You don’t know whether the person is truly sorry, whether they are trying to grow, or what problems or trials they are going through. God is the final judge of their character and faithfulness. You can and should always treat people with kindness and generosity no matter how they have treated you.

Continue to forgive and keep yourself from bitterness (Heb 12:15), but feel free to protect yourself from harmful relationships.

My heart is really heavy. I live near Wichita, KS where Dr. George Tiller was murdered while attending his church. I did not agree with Dr. Tiller performing abortions, but I also don’t agree with someone killing him over it. I think it is a very sad situation all the way around. I feel sorry for the congregation that was there; I feel sorry for his family; I feel sorry for the suspect’s family; I just hurt all the way around about it. Would God condone the murder of any individual, regardless of what they did? Would God want me to take matters like that in my own hands and kill someone because he needed to be stopped? Is it my place to sit and judge how he could consider himself a member of a church and provide abortions? I am just terribly confused and hurt over the whole situation. Can you please help me work through these questions and heartache?

Sincerely,
Stop the Violence

Dear Stop the Violence,

Murdering babies is wrong; murdering adults is wrong (Gal 5:21). See this previous post on why Dr. Tiller was wrong. Two wrongs do not make a right. The only one who has the right to put someone to death for their crimes is the government (Rom 13:1-4). As an individual, no matter how much you despise what someone is doing, you do not have a right to punish them. Vengeance belongs to God (Rom 12:19), not man. Christ taught that individuals should endure evil in most cases (Matt 5:39-40). Abortion is murder, but no one has a right to personally inflict punishment upon any abortionist. If the government asks you to serve on a jury, you have every right to cast your vote, but until that day you must simply pray that the Lord will watch over those babies and take vengeance when He sees fit. Regardless of what someone gets away with in this life, God will not be mocked on the Day of Judgment (Gal 6:7). Both Dr. Tiller and the gunman will have to make account of their actions.

Why was it, when men were about to be confronted with their enemies and they were afraid for their lives, they’d put their livestock in front of them, then their children and their wives/concubines, and then themselves?  This seems like a very cowardly act to me, and I’ve pondered it quite a while now.

Could it have been that they were showing the enemy just how much they had, or was it that they were simply afraid, and they were willing to sacrifice what was in front of them instead of being brave and defending their family and their livestock?

I also think it was horrible when different men would have other men they were scared of knocking at their door and demanding they send out certain men/visitors, and the man inside would say, “I’ve got this virgin daughter, or I’ve got my wife or concubine in here; let me send them out, but leave these men alone.” WOW. What in the world were they thinking?

Sincerely,
Women And Children First

Dear Women And Children First,

The women and children went first as a sign of subservience and a reminder of the fact that these men had families to care for – that is why Jacob did it. The story you indicated occurs in Genesis chapter 32 and 33. Jacob’s brother, Esau, had been bitterly angry with him ever since Jacob got Esau’s birthright and blessing from their father, Isaac (Gen 27:36). Esau had attempted to kill Jacob when they were younger (Gen 27:42). It had been decades since the two brothers last saw each other, but Jacob still feared his brother’s wrath (Gen 32:11). Jacob sent livestock ahead as gifts to his brother (Gen 32:13-18). He then sent his wives and children, Esau’s nieces and nephews (Gen 33:1-2). Jacob went last in order to show his humility and lowliness. It was an act of peace, not a defensive war-time tactic.

In the case of men offering their daughters and concubines up for rape… that just shows the degradation of their character. In both cases where that happened (Sodom – Gen 19:8 and Gibeah – Judg 19:24), the societies were so utterly immoral that they were destroyed not long after. Sodom was destroyed directly by God (Gen 19:24), and Gibeah was destroyed by Israel (Judg 20:43). Both of those societies were condemned by man and God for their degenerate evil ways. The Bible records the history of these societies, but that doesn’t mean it condones them.