My grandmother died this year; she was ninety-four years old.  She had two daughters.  In her will, she left the major portion of her estate to her younger daughter.  When my grandfather was alive, they had a living trust; their estate was divided equally between the two daughters.  My grandmother always favored her younger daughter and her family, and it was very noticeable to an outsider.  When the reading of the will was done, it hurt my mother, making her feel even more unloved.  My mother never did anything to deserve this.  My mother is a God-fearing Christian and has always done the right thing.  My aunt won’t have a thing to do with my mother, which was another blow to my mother.  What does God think of a woman who would cause so much pain?

Sincerely,
Appalled

Dear Appalled,

Your question is a loaded one.  Realistically, we all cause others pain, and every story has two sides to it.  We won’t even begin to talk about the eternal fate of someone we’ve never even known.  After hearing your perspective, we can’t imagine why anyone would behave like that, but that is always the way you feel when you only hear one side of a story (Pr 18:17).

Jesus was once asked by two men to settle a family dispute about money, and His answer was, “Who made Me a judge or divider over you?” (Lk 12:13-14).  We would have to take the same tact – it isn’t our place to try and unravel family financial squabbles.

We are very sorry for your pain, and we are so sorry that your mother is hurting.  The best advice we can give is to not focus on what others think of us and remember that if we serve the Lord, He will cause all to work together for good (Rom 8:28).

     My wife’s grandmother passed away a few months ago.  They were very close.  My wife came from a Baptist family.  When we met, I was able to show her the truth, and now she is a member of the Church; my heart was broken when she looked at me and asked me, “Is it wrong for me (my wife) to think my grandmother is in heaven?”  I didn’t know what to say.  We both know what the Bible says, and we know that no matter what, what we would like to believe is irrelevant.  The Bible still says we must be baptized.  How can I answer a question my wife already knows the answer to?  Does that make any sense?  What would you recommend the best way to word this answer?  It’s much harder than I thought.

Sincerely,
Compassionate Husband

Dear Compassionate Husband,

Mourning is such a difficult process because grief isn’t logical; it is emotional.  The fact is that you don’t have to give your wife an answer at this time; sometimes the best comfort is what Job’s friends provided him with – quiet companionship (Job 2:13).  Sometimes all you need to say is, “I can’t imagine how much you are hurting at this time” and leave it at that.

However, if your wife looks for a more in-depth answer, God says that He finds no pleasure in the death of the wicked (Ezek 33:11).  That tells you that God will not send anyone to hell by accident, from spite, or out of malicious intent.  Anyone who ends up in hell really, truly belongs there, and all those who are meant to be in heaven will be there.  When your wife’s grandmother faces God on the Day of Judgment, God will make the right decision concerning her fate.  There is some comfort in knowing that God will not make any mistakes.

When family members have passed, can they hear us or see us from heaven?  Do they remember us?

Sincerely,
Still Here

Dear Still Here,

Within Hades, there are two areas where people wait for the final judgment. All of the faithful who die wait in the good part of Hades called ‘Paradise’ (2 Cor 12:4, Lk 23:43). All of the wicked who die wait in a part of Hades known only as ‘torments’ (Lk 16:23). We cannot say with entire certainty whether people can look down on the affairs of Earth while in Hades, but the story of the rich man and Lazarus implies that they can’t. When the rich man died, he was in the ‘torments’ of Hades. He then began to inquire about his brothers in a way that leads us to believe he couldn’t see what was going on in their lives (Lk 16:27-31).  However, the rich man remembered remembered his brothers, even though he couldn’t see what they were doing.

Just reading the Q and A about the woman’s daughter that has chosen a homosexual life… when do we as a church or member disfellowship ourselves from someone, and how do we do this with a family member or loved one? Out of love, we are not to even eat or associate with them, but how can we do this effectively with an adult child or straying parent?

Sincerely,
Cutting Ties

Dear Cutting Ties,

The Bible doesn’t tell us to withdraw from all people who are living actively sinful lifestyles; we are only told to withdraw from christians who live actively sinful lives.  Paul even said that the church isn’t in the business of judging all mankind (that’s God’s job); we are only responsible to exhort and, if needed, discipline our own (1 Cor 5:9-13).  In the question you are referring to, it doesn’t sound like the daughter is a christian and the member of the church.

Secondly, even if the person is a christian, when the church withdraws from someone, family relationships aren’t as clear-cut as the rest of the brethren.  The church is given strict orders to withdraw and not associate with a wayward brother or sister (1 Cor 5:13).  However, the immediate family doesn’t have the same “black and white” guidelines.  In fact, we see that they sometimes are commanded to do the opposite – as in the case of an unbelieving spouse (1 Cor 7:13).  Close relatives and loved ones falling away can be torturous on the rest of the family, and immediate family oftentimes has to make the tougher decisions of when to draw back and when to keep the family door open.  Family ties in the case of a wayward christian becomes a gray area that requires wisdom and should be handled on a case-by-case basis.

Jesus says in Matt 23:9 not to call anyone “father”.  A buddy tells me that since Catholics call their priests “father”, they’re disregarding this verse (not that I care about this because, for me, they can call their clergy any name they want).  But I hate to be the one to ask this because this may seem idiotic, but does this also mean that we cannot call our dads “father”?

Sincerely,
Honoring My Father

Dear Honoring My Father,

Calling a priest ‘father’ is wrong because it is referring to ‘father’ in a spiritual sense.  That is what Christ is condemning in Matt 23:8-10.  Christ is rebuking people who elevate themselves above others within the church.  Catholic priests place themselves in a position of spiritual superiority and authority above others. That is wrong and exactly what Christ told His disciples never to do.

On the other hand, the term ‘father’ is perfectly fine when used to refer to a physical parent. The Bible itself uses the word ‘father’ almost 1,000 times, and the vast majority of those times refer to fleshly parents. Gen 2:24, Gen 9:22, Lev 20:9, Pr 17:25, Mk 10:29, Lk 11:11 are just a few examples. Our fathers are a blessing from God given to us for a time to guide and discipline us (Heb 12:9-10). They are worthy of honor and the title ‘father’ (Eph 6:2).

Is it a sin to marry or have a relationship with your first cousin?

Sincerely,
Taboo?

Dear Taboo,

The Bible never condemns marrying your first cousin.  Even in the Old Testament, the prohibition only extended as far as aunts and uncles (Lev 18:12-14).  It isn’t a sin to marry your first cousin.  In fact, it hasn’t even been culturally taboo for very long.  Even two or three generations ago, it was much more common to marry a first cousin.  Today, it is an odd thing to see a first cousin marriage, but it isn’t wrong.  Cultures change all the time, and this is a cultural issue, not a Biblical one.

     My dad has accepted Christ and was baptized (I’m almost positive he has).  I know he was baptized a long time ago, but he doesn’t show any christian-like behaviors.  If he didn’t say it, I wouldn’t be so sure.  He swears when he’s mad (which is often).  Also, once when my mom bought him this christian book for dads, he got all mad and said that he didn’t need her to tell him what to do.  He does pray at those big family affairs, but we don’t eat together anymore, so he doesn’t pray unless it’s an event.  So my main question is: would a person go to heaven if they accepted Christ long ago but didn’t ever talk to Him or think of Him or even go to church?  (We rarely go to church, but I go to a Christian school.) Thanks.

Sincerely,
Questioning Kid

Dear Questioning Kid,

God is the final judge of where a person’s soul ends up (Heb 12:23), but there are a lot of reasons to be concerned with your father’s spiritual state.  God tells us that it is possible for someone to fall away from the faith after being baptized (Heb 6:4-6).  We are warned to not “drift” away from the Lord (Heb 2:1) or “backslide” (Pr 1:32) into old sinful ways.  Once we are baptized, we are told to grow in the Lord and mature in our faith (1 Pet 2:2).  Baptism is the beginning of a new life, but God calls us to be faithful until death (Rev 2:10).

It is obvious that you care deeply for your dad and are worried about his soul.  The best thing you can do for him is to make sure your soul is safe and that you are living the right life, but in the end, he is responsible for his own choices.

My twelve-year-old has always been able to discuss religion and pray with me; recently, as I taught her more, she has turned against me and says based on what she sees, there is no life, and to spend eternity in hell is better than wasting time believing in a god that doesn’t exist.  My husband also doesn’t believe, so I am alone in my home.  I do not go to church; I pray and have faith on my own, turn to the Bible and others for help and guidance, and believe the Lord will send me where He wants me to be, but I can’t push religion.  I can just plant a seed.  So what should I do?

Sincerely,
All By Myself

Dear All By Myself,

You are in a very difficult situation, but take comfort; the Lord gives very specific instructions for how a wife should behave to impact her unbelieving family.  1 Pet 3:1-2 says that the most effective influence a wife can have is her behavior.  It isn’t the words that you say that will have the most impact; it is the godly life you live.  When your choices show that you put God first and that your fear and respect of the Lord is the guiding light of your life, it will begin to influence your family members.

This means that you have to focus on your own spiritual life.  You need to start attending services.  It is wrong to forsake assembling with God’s people (Heb 10:24-25).  We would be happy to help you find a faithful congregation in your area that can support you.  Feel free to e-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org.  As they see that you are serious about your own spiritual life, it will begin to affect your family.  Your example will plant that seed you are hoping for.

My mom was adopted, so we don’t know her family history well.  What would you do if you found out your boyfriend of twelve years maybe your cousin?  We have no children together.  He doesn’t know we may be cousins… we live together… WHAT DO WE DO FROM HERE?

Sincerely,
Regretful Researcher

Dear Regretful Researcher,

The very first thing you need to do is stop living together before you are married.  More important than any biological issues your future children may have, you are sinning, and that is much worse than any physical problem.  The reason people don’t get married – but instead (outside of marriage) have sex, live together, have children together, and eventually destroy their lives – is because we spend our lives making up the rules as we go.  We live our lives by the “what-makes-me-feel-good-right-now” philosophy.  We have no real standard to live by other than what we feel at the moment.  Like Pilate, we ask, “What is truth?” (Jhn 18:38) because we don’t know where to find the right answers to life.  How can we know what is the right thing to do?  Only the Creator can give us a rulebook for life that allows us to comfortably say, “I’m making the right choice.”  Jesus is the truth, the way, and the life (Jhn 14:6).  All the answers to life are found in His Scriptures (2 Pet 1:3).  If we want our relationships, our families, our careers, and our lives to work, we have to use the manual.

Biblically, there is nothing wrong with marrying your cousin – people did it quite commonly just a couple generations ago.  You would have to consider the medical ramifications of having children, but that is a medical decision – not a moral one.  As we said, more importantly than anything else is that you make your lives right with God.

When my grandpa passed away, we believe he came back here on earth temporarily for two reasons:

1. Right when he died, my uncle said nothing about it to his wife or kids; he was planning on telling them later, but Ellie (four at the time, I think) ran up to him and said that Grandpa died!  She sounded happy because she didn’t know what it meant.  My uncle asked how she knew, and she replied, “Grandpa told me!” and skipped away. My uncle asked his wife if she told Ellie, and she said, “No.”
2. At his funeral, my older cousin, Maddie, was walking with Ellie, and Ellie said, “Ooh, angel!” and Maddie asked, “Oh, you want to see the angel?” as she led her over to the angel statue. “No, over there!”  Ellie jerked away from her and pointed to midair where there was nothing.

Do you think that was my grandpa coming back to pay her a visit?  If so, why her?  Grandpa was a very great Catholic, and their whole family is as well.  Thank you.

Sincerely,
Grandchild

Dear Grandchild,

Your experience is fascinating, and we can’t explain to you exactly why Ellie said what she did, but we can ease your mind that it wasn’t your grandfather returning from the dead.  Luke 16:1-31 tells us what happens to both the faithful and the wicked when they die.  Jesus told His disciples about the death of two men: Lazarus (a faithful man) and a wicked, rich man.  When they died, Lazarus was immediately escorted by angels to Paradise (Lk 16:22), and the rich man immediately awoke in torment (Lk 16:23).  An important detail is that the rich man was told that neither he nor Lazarus could return to earth to visit the living (Lk 16:27-31).  Once we die, we go to face God and await the judgment (Heb 9:27).  Which is why it is so important that we prepare ourselves by becoming christians (read “Five Steps To Salvation” for details) and becoming active members of His church (read “Finding The Church” for how to find a faithful congregation).

I am a mother of two, and we don’t attend church.  I tell them as much as I know about God and Jesus and the Bible.  I am scared, though, every time I start to think about the end of days… not because I am not saved but because I heard that when the rapture comes, in heaven you will not know anyone.  I want to know my kids.  I want to watch them grow up and have babies of their own.  I think I may be misunderstanding something.  Please help me understand what is going to happen and if we are all going to be together and know each other.  Please, I get so sad about all of it.

Sincerely,
Maternal Instinct

Dear Maternal Instinct,

The Rapture isn’t a biblical teaching, and it won’t actually happen (read our article “Up In The Air” for a detailed explanation of what the Bible teaches about the Rapture).  However, you are still left with your concern about what heaven will be like (heaven is still very real! – 1 Pet 1:3-4).  In heaven, we have every reason to believe we will know each other.  In fact, if the transfiguration is any indication, we will know everyone in heaven, not just those we have known in this life.  When Jesus was transfigured on the Mount of Olives, both Moses and Elijah appeared and talked to Christ (Lk 9:30).  The remarkable thing is that Peter recognized both of those men even though they had been dead for many centuries (Lk 9:32-33).

Now, if we may, we’d like to address your statement that you don’t go to church.  It is a sin to not attend church; the Bible says so (Heb 10:24-25).  God uses the church to strengthen each of us individually, and He expects all of us to provide our effort to help strengthen others in His church (Eph 4:16).  The church is the pillar and support of the truth (1 Tim 3:15).  Every faithful christian of the Bible was commanded to be a member of a congregation because God knew that we shouldn’t stand alone.  It is a wonderful thing that you are teaching your children about Jesus and training them up to love Him (Pr 22:6).  We would be happy to help you move forward in your service to Christ by putting you in contact with a faithful congregation in your area.  E-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org, and let us help you fill in that piece in the puzzle of your spiritual life.

When I married my wife, we made sure to put God right in the center. We all know God has a good bit to say about husbands and wives.  However, her family attends a Baptist church, and they call themselves christians.  My wife and I attend a church of Christ (where I have attended for the last twenty years), and my wife was added to the Lord’s church shortly before we were married.  We both really try to live our lives as Christ would want us to.  My problem is her family asks us from time to time to go to their church.  I show them Scripture for the reasons why we cannot attend with them, and they still get angry and hateful.  Even after simple Scripture is shown to them, they still get angry.  Do you have any advice on a better way to handle something like this?

Sincerely,
Son-in-Outlaw

Dear Son-in-Outlaw,

Your problem is shared by many faithful christians around the world.  Jesus said it best, “A prophet is not without honor, save in his own country, and among his own kin, and in his own house.” (Mark 6:4).  Family is the absolute hardest to make an impact with.  Jesus’ own family mocked His religious choices (Jhn 7:5).  You are making the right stand by not bending your morals for the sake of family (Matt 10:37).  As long as you are giving a kind, loving, and biblical answer to their requests, you are doing well.  It may very well be your uncompromising example that eventually peaks their interest.  After all, if they are so interested in sharing your spirituality, you can always invite them to visit your church or have a family Bible study together.

I am a teen who grew up in the church, and both my parents were converted when they were teenagers.  Their marriage is in a pitiful and sad state.  If they weren’t christians, I have no doubt in my mind they would have divorced long ago.  The main problem that I see is simply that my mother has become strongly embittered against my father, and she acts on her emotions; too often in an ungodly way.  She yells, slams doors, accuses, lies, and other things.  She scrutinizes everything about him and truly defines Solomon’s teachings of “a rottenness in his bones” and her contentions “are a continual dripping.”

I feel as a fellow heir that I have a responsibility to intervene and help resolve all the sinful behavior.  The roles in the house may be upside down, but I still want to honor my parents.  How do I balance the two?  Is there something I can say or do to help end the misery for everyone?

Sincerely,
Troubled Teen

Dear Troubled Teen,

There is a unique pain that is felt as we watch loved ones struggle through life… but sometimes ‘watch’ is exactly what we have to do.  Having personally spent many sleepless nights because of our own parents’ marital struggles – our heart goes out to you.  We wish we could tell you that there is an easy solution, and if you step in and get involved, it will change everything, but that isn’t true.  Sometimes, getting involved can make things worse.  Pr 26:17 says that getting in the middle of someone else’s disagreement is like grabbing a dog’s ears.  You’ll get bit every time.  Just because you feel you have the solution and see the situation clearer than your parents, doesn’t mean that they would be receptive to hearing it.  The most likely scenario is that you would add fuel to an already burning fire.

Another thing to consider is that your advice isn’t likely to be accepted by either parent because you are their child.  Jesus said that a prophet has respect except amongst his own family and in his own house (Mk 6:4).  Time has not made you equals with your parents, and you aren’t in a position to help them – it just isn’t the way life works.  This doesn’t mean you are wrong or that you are seeing things incorrectly – it just means they won’t listen because you are the child and they are the parents.  Whether or not you are correct is irrelevant.

But all of this doesn’t mean there isn’t anything you can do.  Jesus’ preaching didn’t affect his family, but his lifestyle did.  Multiple times in the Bible it says that Mary saw Jesus’ behavior and “treasured these things in her heart” (Lk 2:19, Lk 2:51).  Jesus’ example made a lasting impact upon His family.  When you see your parents fighting, calmly walk away.  If they ask why – tell them it hurts you.  When you have a chance to show respect to your father and love to your mother, do it.  As parents, we can tell you that mothers and fathers notice these acts of selflessness and maturity in our children more than they ever know.  Many parents have become better people because of the example of their children.  You can’t preach to them, but you can live a sermon every day.  And most of all, remember that regardless of what your parent’s marriage looks like, it isn’t your fault and it isn’t your burden.  You are only responsible for you, and someday if you get married, you can apply the lessons you are learning now to change your family tree so that your children don’t need to feel what you are feeling now.

Is using deadly force ever justifiable in defense of self or family?  If there were ever a situation where there was complete societal breakdown (no government or police), food and water became scarce, and armed looters and gangs searching for food became a real threat to your family, would you be morally responsible to defend your family by any means necessary?  Would God expect you to turn the other cheek or fight for survival?

Sincerely,
Getting Prepared

Dear Getting Prepared,

When the Bible commands us to not kill, the word used for ‘kill’ is the word that we would use for ‘murder.  Some of the most faithful men in the Bible were soldiers and had to kill people in the defense of their country.  David was a man after God’s own heart (1 Sam 13:14), and yet David killed many people as a soldier.  Jesus marveled at the faith of a centurion soldier (Matt 8:8-10).  The first Gentile convert was Cornelius, a well-known Roman soldier (Acts 10:22).  When a group of soldiers asked John the Baptist what they needed to do to live a faithful life, he told them to be honest and faithful… but he never told them to stop serving in the military (Lk 3:14).  These are all examples of the difference between murder and self-defense (or war-time killing).

In the Old Testament, God made specific rules that allowed an individual to kill if they were defending their home or family (Ex 22:2).  In Lk 22:35-39, Jesus tells His disciples that persecution will begin after He leaves and that they ought to “buy a sword” – this is certainly an endorsement of self-defense.  All of these point to the fact that God distinguishes between defensive force and vigilante murder.

What can a physically abusive man do to stop his ways?  He loves Christ, but he gets mad and flips out; then he repents over and over.

Sincerely,
Hoping To Help Him

Dear Hoping To Help Him,

He can stop his ways whenever it is important to him.  Contrary to what he says, this abusive man isn’t out of control – he can stop being abusive whenever he wants to.  In fact, abusive spouses are in complete control of their behavior.  Saying they “lose control” is just an excuse to continue sinful behavior.  Consider that:

1. Abusers pick and choose whom they want to abuse.  Abusers don’t assault or threaten everyone in their lives, only the ones they claim to love and care about.  Abusers have enough self-control to safely interact with employers, grocery clerks, and a thousand other people.
2. Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse.  Abusive spouses act appropriately in public but unleash their rage in private.  They have enough self-control to hide their behavior from society.
3. Abusers are able to stop when it benefits them (for example: when the police show up, their boss calls, etc.).
4. Worst of all, the most violent of domestic abusers are able to show enough control to aim their blows where they will be hidden from the public.  Many physically abusive adults specifically pick to leave marks only in places that won’t show.

In short, domestic violence isn’t uncontrollable – it is a choice.  All sin is something we have a say in, and it is our decision whether or not to let it be our master (Gen 4:7).  If you are in an abusive relationship, do not accept the lie that they can’t control their behavior.  Physical abuse is inexcusable.  God says that we should love our children (Tit 2:4) and love our spouses (Eph 5:28).  Domestic violence is the exact opposite of that command.

My English is not so good, but I’ll try to explain my question to you.  Two and a half years ago, my dad died.  He was everything to me.  I tried to move on with my life and make wise decisions, but it didn’t work so well.  I have the wrong friends, and I got the wrong man.  Every day, I pray to God to help me.  I can’t do it on my own.  I want to get a better life with hope, love, and happiness.  I think that God is punishing me for my mistakes in the past.  What can I do, so He will forgive my mistakes?  I am a better person now and have respect for all kinds of people.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  Please help me.  Lots of love (name omitted) from Holland.

Sincerely,
Grieving Daughter

Dear Grieving Daughter,

We are so sorry to hear of your loss and the pain it has brought you.  The loss of a beloved parent is a great grief.  Your honesty is refreshing, and it also makes it a lot easier to answer your question.  No matter how much God loves us, He still allows us to suffer the consequences of our choices.  As you mentioned, you’ve made some bad decisions in the past, and you have surrounded yourself with unhealthy relationships.  God tells us that we “reap what we sow” (Gal 6:7).  That means that when we make bad choices, we pay the price for those choices – even if we are remorseful.  We appreciate your desire to rebuild your life and start fresh.  Part of a new start is to remove the bad influences from your life – bad company corrupts good morals (1 Cor 15:33).  Since you are in Holland, we can’t recommend any specific congregations near you, but we can say you should try and find a faithful congregation to attend (read “Finding A Church” for help with that), and if you aren’t yet, you should become a christian (read “What Must I Do To Be Saved?” for details on how to be saved).  We also recommend that you start reading and studying your Bible.  We have a lot of sermons online that you can listen to if you find it helpful.  You can find those sermons at http://sermons.mvchurchofchrist.org.  You are doing the right thing by trying to make changes in your life.  The more faithful changes you make, the better your life will become.  It does take time though.  You are in our prayers as you seek a new direction for your life.

Can you help me solve my dad and sister’s problem with fighting each other?

Sincerely,
Suffering Sibling

Dear Suffering Sibling,

One very sad truth is that you can’t live other peoples’ lives for them.  We all are responsible for our own decisions and lifestyles (Php 2:12).  You can’t fix the situation between your sister and father, but you can make sure and not add to the fire.  Don’t take sides, and don’t get in the middle of their disagreements (Pr 26:17).  Make a decision to be a person that loves peace and pursues it (Ps 34:14).  As much as you are able, be at peace with both your father and sister (Rom 12:18).  Your example can remind them that life doesn’t have to be full of arguments and strife.  Let your light shine (Matt 5:16).  We can’t guarantee that will change things, but we can guarantee that you will always have a clear conscience regardless of what they choose to do.

I am twenty-eight years old, and I have a five-year-old son who has Down’s Syndrome.  He cannot talk, so he tries to talk by yelling loud.  Every time I go to a family get-together, I always have a problem.  When my little special child yells, I always hear my grandma talking to the person who she is sitting beside, and she is telling them how she cannot stand all that yelling.  She always says it where I can hear.  It hurts my feelings so bad that I go home and cry.  I never say anything to her about it because she is my grandma, and I do not want to be an angry person.  I am getting where I do not want to go to the family get-togethers because of it.  He does not mean to be bothering her.  He is just a ray of sunshine and happy!!  Could you tell me how to deal with this problem with my grandma in a way that you think God would have me handle it?  Thank you.

Sincerely,
Proud Mom

Dear Proud Mom,

There are several things that you can try, and it all depends on what you believe is the most appropriate tact to take with your grandmother.  No matter what, you should know that you are right about your child, and he is a blessing from God – nothing anybody says can change that fact.  Regardless of how others feel, he has done nothing wrong.  That being said, here are some verses to consider:

1. Rom 12:18 says that we should do everything we can to be at peace with others.  Turning the other cheek (Matt 5:39) is often the best policy when people are ignorantly hurtful.  If you can, just let it go… from what you have said, you have tried this, and it is simply too much of a burden to bear.  Kudos for trying; but in this case, for your personal peace, you need to do something more.
2. When we have a problem with another person, discretion is a key ingredient to a healthy resolution.  Pr 25:9 says that we should bring our disagreements to the person directly.  Directly confronting the “elephant in the room” is the scariest approach, but often the best.  Privately and kindly telling your grandmother that your feelings are hurt when she criticizes your son gives her the opportunity to choose the high road and to reach a resolution that improves your relationship.  Discretion shows love; bitterness is shown through public displays of frustration.  She has been public with her words; you should be private with yours.
3. Whatever you do, don’t let her words poison your heart.  Regardless of how she reacts to your honest appeal, make the decision now that you won’t let bitterness become rooted in your heart (Heb 12:15).  Decide ahead of time that you will raise your son according to God’s teachings, and let that buoy you up when criticized.

Can you tell me something about generational curses?  Aren’t they a special kind of curse and not for everybody?

Sincerely,
Checking The Family Tree

Dear Checking The Family Tree,

Children pay for the choices their parents make.  People pay for the sins of those who have gone before.  If your father was an axe murderer, it would affect you, your children, maybe even your grandchildren (Ex 34:7)… but eventually he would be forgotten, and the consequences of his behavior would dissipate.  That is what the generational curse is – that children must live with the repercussions of their parents’ choices.  Everyone has baggage and troubles that are brought on them by the generations that have gone before.

However, every person has the God-given gift of free will (Matt 7:13-14).  In spite of what the generations before have done, we all have the ability to work out our own salvation and change our lives (Php 2:12).  Our physical lives are often dictated and controlled (at least partially) by the choices of those around us, most notably our parents, but the state of our soul is our own responsibility.  Each of us must seek God (Col 3:1) and serve Him regardless of what previous generations have done.

My sister-in-law and brother-in-law lost their daughter to a terminal illness she was born with.  She lived many years longer than doctors advised she would.  My sister-in-law has always tried to be there for me over the years, but I have not tried to have a relationship with her other than when necessary.  I have never been there for her.  Her daughter’s death has hit me like a ton of bricks and has made me realize that I am not the person I should be.  I should have tried to understand their circumstances; I should have allowed us to become great friends.  I want to write her and tell her that I am sorry that I have never been there for her and how brave I think her husband and her are.  Should I tell her how I feel?  Should I just move forward and be a better person to her now and in the future?  Or am I being selfish, and this is not about me, and this is my punishment?  Thank you for any help you can give me.

Sincerely,
Regretful

Dear Regretful,

As the old saying goes, “honesty is always the best policy”.  The Bible says it in different words: “know the truth and the truth shall set you free” (Jhn 8:32).  Truth always frees us and, in the long run, it always makes things better.  God tells us to treat others as we would have them treat us (Matt 7:12).  If you were in your sister-in-law’s shoes and received a letter explaining all the regrets you just mentioned, sorrow you feel for their loss, and bravery they have shown – how would you feel?  Only you know the specifics of your relationship with your sister-in-law and what is the best way to treat her, but if you consider her feelings above your own, you are likely to make a good decision.  Whatever you do should be about them and not about you – only when we place others before ourselves do we make healthy decisions (Php 2:3).

Hi.  My grandmother does hoodoo; I know the name after researching the things she owns.  Is she going to hell; is hoodoo a sin?  The biggest thing is that she is a christian, a very godly woman; she attends church every Sunday and even gives one hundred dollars every month.

Sincerely,
Grandma Grief

Dear Grandma Grief,

Hoodoo is wrong and is a warping of the Scriptures.  Hoodoo is a term used for those who use the Bible like a magic spell book and protective talisman.  Instead of treating the Bible like an instruction book for life (which is the right attitude – 2 Pet 1:3, Rom 1:16, Rom 10:17), Hoodoo treats the Bible like a lucky rabbit’s foot.  If you open to the right Psalm or the read the proper verse at the proper time, you will be given special protection, health, or powers.  This is totally opposite of what the Bible teaches.  In fact, during the days of Paul, there were exorcists that tried this tactic.  A group of Jewish exorcists saw that Paul had power from God, so they tried to talk and act like Paul in order to receive the same powers Paul had… it didn’t work (Acts 19:13-16).  The Bible isn’t a tool to gain magical powers; it is a pattern for living (2 Tim 1:13).  No matter how much money your grandmother gives and how regularly she attends services, this practice is sinful.

How does adultery affect a family?

Sincerely,
Damage Control

Dear Damage Control,

Adultery is devastating to a family.  Adultery breaks the vows of marriage and destroys the trust that God intended for marriage (1 Cor 6:16).  It is debilitating to the emotional well-being of the spouse that has been cheated on.  God said that marriage is meant to be built upon love and respect (Eph 5:33) – adultery decimates both of those.

Children grow up too fast in a home broken by adultery.  Children are products of the environment their parents create for them (Eph 6:1-4).  If a marriage is hurting, so are the children that are supposed to be protected by that marriage.  A family can survive after adultery, but the damage is deep, and the healing takes time.

My cousin committed suicide.  She had a chronic illness and was in great physical pain.  She did not believe in God.  Did she go to heaven or hell when she died?

Sincerely,
Crushed Cousin

Dear Crushed Cousin,

God is the judge of the living and the dead (1 Pet 4:5)… we cannot make the judgment on whether your cousin will go to heaven or hell, but we can say that she did things opposite of what the Bible teaches.  We are told to place our faith in God, and our trust and obedience in Him saves us (Jhn 3:16, Mk 16:16).  Suicide certainly is condemned.  Suicide is murder, self-murder, and is therefore very clearly a sin (Rev 21:8).  The only difference between suicide and murdering someone else is that you don’t get a chance to repent after suicide.  Suicide is a final decision and leaves no room for correction or for asking forgiveness.  It is a willful act of disobedience against God without opportunity for repentance.  The final judgment belongs to God (Heb 12:23), but we certainly wouldn’t want to face that judgment with our own blood on our hands.  Our hearts go out to you as you mourn the loss of your cousin.

Hello.  I am sort of a “beginner” christian, raised in a non-believer society and family.  Now my father, who is an unbeliever, is in a dying process.  He has been unconscious for several days now, and the doctors keep giving him twelve hours more at a time to live.  He keeps hanging on to the surprise of his doctors who (in their words) have not seen anything like this before.  That said, I have been praying to God that He would not let him die until he reaches salvation, knowing that at the last point of his consciousness he was an unbeliever.  I guess my question would be if it is possible for him to accept Jesus and receive salvation while in the dying state of unconsciousness and how could I help facilitate this (other than through prayer).

Sincerely,
Hopeful Child

Dear Hopeful Child,

Our hearts go out to you during this difficult time; nothing is harder than feeling helpless to do anything, and there isn’t anything you can do for your father’s relationship with God.  It is impossible to become a christian without a conscious, mature, and aware mind.  Becoming a christian involves repentance (Acts 3:19); ‘repentance’ means ‘to change your mind’… something that simply can’t be done while you are unconscious.  It involves confession (Lk 12:8-9).  Both of these things require an active and mature mind.  All faith is built upon hearing and understanding the Scriptures (Rom 10:17).  As long as your father is in the state he is in… all you can do is accept that he is in the hands of a loving and wise God.

I am a born-again believer, and I have a good friend who is also.  My friend recently lost her dad due to a sudden heart attack.  She is grieving.  Her relationship with her dad was not all that she wanted it to be, and after she was saved (which has been well over ten years ago), she had shared with her dad what Christ had done in her life.  What is more painful is that her dad did grow up in a Christian home, but he never accepted Christ.  My friend is frustrated with the sentiment that christians can find comfort in knowing their loved ones went to heaven.  She asked me where her comfort is when she knows her dad was not a christian, and he did not go to heaven.  All anyone says to her is that you don’t know what went on in the last moments of his life, but she is certain there was probably no last moment conversion for her father.  While she has the comfort of her faith for herself, how is a believer to find peace or acceptance in the reality that a close loved one went to hell?

Sincerely,
Friend Of The Mourning

Dear Friend Of The Mourning,

The sorrow we feel when we lose a loved one is, at times, almost unbearable.  That pain can be amplified when we do not have hope of someday seeing that person in heaven.

God says that He finds no pleasure in the death of the wicked (Ezek 33:11).  That tells you that God will not send anyone to hell by accident, from spite, or out of malicious intent.  Anyone who ends up in hell really, truly belongs there.  When your friend’s father faces God on the Day of Judgment, God will make the right decision concerning his fate.  There is some comfort in knowing that God will not make any mistakes.

God has a deeper, more complete understanding of eternity than you or I do.  He is completely loving (1 Jn 4:8).  If your friend’s father goes to hell, it will be because the most loving and wise God of all creation knew that was where her father chose to be.  Ultimately, there are some sorrows and tears that pain us so deeply that we will never get complete comfort this side of heaven… but your friend can know that when she gets there – all tears will be wiped away (Rev 21:4).

My question regards generational curses.  My mother and father recently divorced.  I have now learned that my mother continues to have relationships with married men.  I somehow feel like her choices in her life will somehow curse me in relationships.  I have recently broken up with a man I thought I would have a future with.  Is this just the enemy trying to defeat me?  Thanks!

Sincerely,
Distressed Daughter

Dear Distressed Daughter,

Children pay for the choices their parents make… but not in the way you are concerned about.  People pay for the sins of those who have gone before.  If your father was an axe murderer, it would affect you, your children, maybe even your grandchildren (Ex 34:7)… but eventually he would be forgotten, and the consequences of his behavior would dissipate.  That is what the generational curse is – that children must live with the repercussions of their parents’ choices.  You are dealing with that right now.

Divorce affects children in horrific and lasting ways.  One of the repercussions is that you begin to doubt whether or not you are capable of having a lasting and faithful marriage.  The doubt and fear you have is a pain you endure because of your mother’s choices… but you don’t have to recreate home.  Every person has the God-given gift of free will (Matt 7:13-14).  God wants every marriage to be happy, faithful, and for a lifetime (Eph 5:31-33).  In spite of your parents’ choices, you can choose a godly spouse and live a godly marriage.  Your parents’ decisions cannot deny you the right to live faithfully and have a fully successful future.  In fact, make it a point to be the person who changes your family tree.

I have a question.  I was thinking about getting into modeling because my friend is into it, and she is trying to get me to.  She wants me to be a ring card girl with her, but my family said that it is a sin to show off my body like that and to be around that kind of environment.

Sincerely,
Looking For Career Advice

Dear Looking For Career Advice,

Your family is right.  The women that “prance” around boxing rings with the cards that indicate what round of the match it is are only there for one reason – to feed the lust of the flesh (1 Jn 2:16).  Dressing immodestly is a sin (1 Tim 2:9).  Furthermore, being around people that promote provocative sinful attitudes will corrupt you (1 Cor 15:33).  We are affected by those we are around, and our friendships and work environment either build us up or tear us down.  Listen to your family; they have your best interests in mind.

Is it possible to live a christian life when you cut off all ties to parents and keep their grandbaby from them?  My parents have never seen their first grandbaby.  This decision was mutual between my husband and I.  My parents ignore my husband; they pretend he doesn’t exist.

Sincerely,
Discouraged Daughter

Dear Discouraged Daughter,

If you cut ties for moral reasons, yes… but not if you just got tired of dealing with family.  God emphasizes the need and importance of honoring parents (Ex 20:12, Matt 19:19, Matt 15:4, Mk 10:19, Eph 6:2).  Showing respect and kindness toward those who gave you the gift of life is deeply important.  The only time that it would be appropriate to sever that relationship would be if your parents were stopping you from serving the Lord (Matt 10:37).  Our relationship with our spiritual Father is more important than our relationship with our physical parents (Matt 19:29).  God understands that sometimes, for the sake of living a pure life, lines must be drawn between family members (Matt 10:35-36).  However, if at all possible, this should be avoided.  As much as it depends on you, be at peace with all men (Rom 12:18).

My husband, three girls, and I are born-again christians, but in our Hispanic heritage, most of our family is still Catholic.  Please let us know what the deal is with their belief system because to us, it seems that the ends don’t meet… and that a lot of what their religion entails is clearly wrong and contradicts what we are learning in the Bible and what we feel and discern as we walk in the Lord.  My husband and I were specifically discussing the topic of “The Virgin of Guadalupe”.  Did she really appear in the shroud in Mexico?  Is that name made up?  Is she the same as the Virgin Mary?  And why do Catholics (our family included) worship the Mother of Jesus more so than Jesus Himself?  I don’t like that at all… doesn’t Jesus prefer for us to love Him before all things and people?  I grew up Catholic, but I never ever felt this serious and passionate about loving our Lord and God, neither did I feel such a hunger for knowing everything about Him!  I’m so glad I am finally saved and know it!!!   Praise be to Him always and forever!  If you can help us with this curiosity, thanks…

Sincerely,
A Disciple

Dear A Disciple,

Congratulations on making such a bold move to make the Bible as the guide for your life.  That commitment to biblical integrity is what sets you apart from your Catholic extended family.  Catholicism places the pope as the head of the church; Christianity places Christ as the head of the church (Eph 5:23).  All Catholic practices exist because the papal hierarchy believes them to be right; sometimes those beliefs agree with the Bible, but many times they don’t.  Catholicism tells priests to not marry, and it forbids certain foods – practices specifically condemned by Paul as false teaching (1 Tim 4:1-3).  Catholics are taught to call their religious leaders ‘father’, but the Bible says that is wrong (Matt 23:9).  Catholic practices like infant baptism (and the teaching that children are born sinful), Vatican councils, cardinal vs. venial sins, etc. have no foundation in the Bible.

Worshipping various Catholic “saints” is a practice that is (as you know) very common in Catholicism, but God tells us that we should worship only Him (Matt 4:10).  In fact, Peter was rebuked when he offered to make a monument to honor Moses and Elijah on an equal level with Jesus (Matt 17:4-6).  Various Catholic monuments, shrouds, relics, etc. are unsubstantiated items that have no Biblical bearing.  Simply put, those items are only “holy” because the Catholic church says they are.  We derive our authority from the Bible, and that is where faith starts (Rom 10:17).

As for worshipping Mary… Jesus is the only mediator between man and God (1 Tim 2:5).  We pray to the Father through Jesus… not through Mary or any other Catholic figure.  We are told to confidently approach God directly (Heb 4:16).  We should ask of God and pray to Him through the name of Jesus (Jhn 14:13-14).  Praying to (or through) Catholic saints is wrong.  As you said, Jesus wants our love before all things and all people.

Catholicism is so deeply rooted in many Hispanic communities that you will find it a constant part of your job as a christian to give Bible answers in hopes of freeing them from this false religion (1 Pet 3:15).  What an opportunity to shine your light for the glory of God (Matt 5:16)!

I grew up in a Catholic home.  I was raised mostly by my paternal aunt and my uncle (her husband).  I did grow up with my birth mother from ages 10-15.  I became rebellious with my birthmother and left home with my boyfriend (at the time) because of his constant verbal and physical abuse.  I gave birth to my first daughter at seventeen.  During this time, my birthmother found Jesus and was converted.  She forgave me, and she and I have never been closer.  I was also converted into Christianity, and I have successfully grown in the Lord.  However, when I left my abusive relationship, I didn’t return to my mother’s house.  I went back to my aunt’s house with my daughter.  I have remarried, and my husband and I have two more girls.  We live at my aunt’s house.  They like us living here, and we are happy, thanks to the Lord.  We are extremely blessed.

I love my aunt and uncle who have tirelessly helped us in so many ways.  They appreciate the new attitude and our family’s fruits as christians, but they try to avoid us when we try to share the good food of the gospel with them.

My question is as follows: what should we do?  I feel like they are good people, but they are better Catholics; they worship all kinds of “saints” and speak of the Virgin Mary more than our Lord Jesus.  They never read their Bibles, and they misunderstand a lot of “scriptures” (the few that the priest reads at their church).  A lot of things they believe in are not right.  I know this is wrong, but what do we do??

Sincerely,
Nice Niece

Dear Nice Niece,

The greatest impact you can make is to live your life and let Christ’s Word speak through your actions.  People have to want Christ to come into their lives for the gospel to take root (Rev 3:14).  We cannot force anyone to change; Christianity is a voluntary religion.  The first century church was marked by its kindhearted and godly reputation… and it affected those around them (Acts 5:13-14).  Family is traditionally the most difficult evangelism project – even Jesus admitted that His hometown was the least likely to listen to Him (Mk 6:4).  Don’t shy away from spiritual conversations with your aunt and uncle, but don’t force them either.  Live authentically, and they will notice and consider.  Jesus said that letting our lights shine brings glory to God (Matt 5:16).

I grew up in a “christian” home – one where we went to church on Sundays, and my mother often quoted the Bible and listened exclusively to religious music – while simultaneously hideously abusing me on both an emotional and physical level.  Now that I am an adult, married, and expecting my first child, my husband recently asked my mother to leave our home after a surprise visit and asked her not to come back – mainly because she continues the emotional abuse to this day.  After every episode of it, she will call me the next day as if nothing happened, offering no apology or even acknowledgment of her behavior, but carrying on a regular conversation.  While I have forgiven her, I no longer want her in my life, and though I pray for her happiness, health, and well-being, I cannot bear to live with the emotional abuse and the constant (4-5 times per week) phone calls at all hours.  I have politely told her many times that we need to address the issue of her behavior which sends her into another abusive episode followed by complete denial that anything happened.  I want to be Christ-like.  I forgive every time, but does that mean I have to look at another perhaps forty years of this?  What would Jesus do?  Am I wrong to cut her out of my life?  I do not want my son, due in July, to grow up around this influence, and this cycle of abusive outbursts followed by denial and disengagement has been happening for years.

Sincerely,
Breaking The Cycle

Dear Breaking The Cycle,

Showing forgiveness is not the same as trusting someone.  You have every right to set boundaries in your life if someone is corrupting you with their bad company (1 Cor 15:33).  If you have respectfully tried to show your mother the boundaries (and it sounds like you have), there comes a time when you must put your immediate family before your extended family.  You have a responsibility to your mother, but you have a greater responsibility to your husband and child (Matt 19:5).  It is unfortunate that you are in this situation, but Christ even said that sometimes christian morality will divide families (Matt 10:34-35).  We cannot tell you exactly what lines to draw (that is a matter of wisdom, not doctrine), but you are perfectly scriptural in setting some degree of moral boundary.

I have a question about “honor your father and your mother”.  Some parents seem to use this as a weapon when kids are not listening to their parents or misbehaving.  I seem to get different meanings of what this really means.  I do thank you for your time.  God bless!

Sincerely,
Ain’t Misbehavin’

Dear Ain’t Misbehavin’,

Children are told to honor their father and mother at all ages (Eph 6:2-3). The word ‘honor’ means ‘to esteem highly’.  Parents deserve respect and kind treatment from their offspring.  As parents reach old age, children show honor by caring for their parents’ needs (Matt 15:4-6).  Until independent adulthood, honoring your parents is shown through respectful obedience (Eph 6:1).  No Scripture should ever be wielded “as a weapon”, but regardless of how the verse is used, that is what it means.

I am a saved person and believe that Jesus died for my sins, and now I am saved and love my Lord.  I have been married to my husband for five years, and his children have treated me with hatred and contempt.  My husband is a christian, can lay on hands, and speak in tongues.  But instead of stopping their bad behavior, he lets them continue, and he says their behavior is my fault.  I do not smile or have joy, only if I’m in church.  My question is: can I commit suicide and still go to heaven?  Just can’t take much more days of crying and hurt.

Sincerely,
Not A Wicked Stepmother

Dear Not A Wicked Stepmother,

Suicide is murder, self-murder, and is therefore very clearly a sin (Rev 21:8).  The only difference between suicide and murdering someone else is that you don’t get a chance to repent after suicide.  Suicide is a final decision and leaves no room for correction or for asking forgiveness.  Therefore, in most cases, it would be fair to say that suicide will send you to hell.  It is a willful act of disobedience against God without opportunity for repentance.

The only reason we here at AYP hesitate to say, “All people who commit suicide go to hell,” is because God never specifically makes that statement.  The final judgment belongs to God (Heb 12:23), but we certainly wouldn’t want to face that judgment with our own blood on our hands.

There is always a way of escape from the temptation to sin (1 Cor 10:13).  There are other options, and there is help.  If you’d like someone in your area to help you through your struggle and the conflicting messages you are receiving, we would be happy find a faithful congregation in your area to help bring you comfort and truth.  Please don’t give up hope.

The Lord does provide relief through His Word (Acts 20:32).  From what you have said about speaking in tongues, laying on of hands, etc. – we fear that you may not be getting the full picture of what the Lord’s will is for His church and family (1 Tim 3:15).  We know of many preachers across the country ready and willing to help people like yourself come to a more complete understanding of the Lord’s ways.  E-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org if you would like a preacher from your area to contact you.

I have a sensitive question that has a lot of varying answers, but I came across this site and decided to ask yet another religious and spiritual person.  Please try to answer as honestly as you can.

I had a cousin a little while back who committed suicide.  She was young (only 16) and not outwardly depressed or upset.  She left a long note for her mother, apologizing and trying to explain herself.  She was scared of what her future would hold, and her decision came with a lot of conscious struggle.  She left us all behind, confused and worried for her.  What would happen to someone like her in the afterlife? I know that God has the final say, but is suicide a sin?

ADDITIONAL DETAILS:
The girl in question wasn’t an overly religious person (didn’t attend church regularly), but she did believe in God, Jesus, and the afterlife.  She prayed every morning and often claimed to have a “connection” with God when she needed Him.  Thanks for your time.

Sincerely,
Sad Cousin

Dear Sad Cousin,

Suicide is a painful topic, and we are so sorry for your loss.  There are two things to consider when looking at what God says about a sixteen-year-old committing suicide.

1. Is suicide a sin?
2. How accountable does God hold someone of that age for their actions?

Question one is fairly straightforward – suicide is a sin.  Suicide is a form of murder, and murder is wrong (1 Jn 3:15).  What is so scary about suicide is that it is a form of murder that allows no opportunity for repentance (Heb 9:27).  The final judgment belongs to God (Heb 12:23), but it would be a very perilous thing to face God with your own blood on your hands.

Question number two is a lot trickier.  Children are not held accountable for their choices in the same way that adults are.  King David’s son died at infancy, and David knew that his son was in heaven (2 Sam 12:23).  Children are given as examples of godliness (Lk 18:17).  Paul uses the immaturity of children as an example (1 Cor 13:11).  At some point, children transition to being adults, and they become accountable for their own behavior… but that happens at different times for different kids.  Everyone understands that a five-year-old is a child and that a twenty-five-year-old is an adult; it is the ages in between that get fuzzier.  Sixteen is an age that sits squarely in the gray area.  Only God, who knows our hearts (Lk 16:15), could properly judge where your cousin’s maturity level was.  If she was still considered a child in the eyes of God, she will be in heaven – God doesn’t make mistakes; He will properly decide.  May God give you comfort in your time of grief for the loss of your loved one.

Hi, I lied to my dad a few times about drinking twisted tea, having a facebook (I deleted my facebook), why I came home from school late (because I had a detention, and I told him I was checking my grades), etc. – but I don’t want to admit to him that I lied because he’s verbally abusive.  Do I have to admit to my dad that I lied to him???  Am I lying to him by not admitting that I lied before?

Sincerely,
Troubled Kid

Dear Troubled Kid,

You lied to your father, and you need to ask for his forgiveness.  Part of repentance is asking forgiveness (Lk 17:4).  It is unfortunate that your relationship with your father is so unhealthy, but regardless of how he acts, you have a responsibility to do what is right (Matt 16:24).  Your conscience is obviously bothered by hiding these lies… it is time to clear that conscience (Acts 24:16).  May God bless you in your courage to put truth first in your life.

I was watching a History Channel documentary about God vs. Satan, and my dad asked me if I believed in all of that stuff like the rapture.  I said, “Yes.”  He said it was a bunch of garbage and asked my mom what she thought.  She thought it was made up, too.  This really disappointed me to find out that my parents are not true believers and don’t believe everything in the Bible.  I am very sad.  What is the right thing to do?  Thank you.

Sincerely,
Disappointed Kid

Dear Disappointed Kid,

We don’t believe in the rapture either… but we do believe in everything the Bible says.  To clear up the misunderstanding about the Rapture, we recommend you read “Premillenialism” and “Tripping Over Tribulations”… if you want even more in-depth study on the subject, listen to our series on the book of Revelation.

However, that particular issue sounds like more of a side issue than your real problem.  If we understand you correctly, you are wondering what to do to try and bring the truth of God’s Word to your parents.

It is never easy to touch the hearts of our relatives; even Jesus said that He received respect everywhere but his hometown and household (Mk 6:4).  All you can do is let your light shine (Matt 5:16), be prepared with answers when questions are asked (1 Pet 3:15), and be unafraid to stand firm by your morals.  Jesus made a great impact as a child by asking humble questions at opportune moments (Lk 2:46).  Honor your parents and never be rude or disrespectful (Eph 6:2), but a kindly asked question about why they believe what they do can challenge their current worldview.

I belong to a rather large family.  Like with many families, my family has the ‘A’ side and the ‘B’ side.  In other words, one part of the family thinks very little of the other part of the family.  I happen to be on the ‘B’ side, the one that is looked down upon.  The ‘A’ side has begun organizing a family reunion.  Experience has taught me that they take our kindness for weakness.  They have us bring an obscene amount of food each event, they bring little or nothing, and then they dictate how the food will be disbursed.  There is always conflict.  I know this all sounds silly, but I would like to avoid the foolishness this year.  Would it be wrong of me (in the eyes of God) to send my portion to the reunion, but not attend?

Sincerely,
Fed Up… But Hungry

Dear Fed Up… But Hungry,

Whether or not you go to your family reunion is a matter of preference and wisdom, but it isn’t a sin issue.  God tells us that we must honor our father and mother (Eph 6:2), but that requirement does not extend to the rest of your relatives.  You must always be kind and decent to everyone (1 Thess 3:12), but that doesn’t mean you need to go to every shindig that your family puts together.  Jesus recognized that family ties often are the most difficult (Matt 13:55-57).  Jesus’ brothers were some of the last to believe He was the Messiah (John 7:5).  There were times where even Christ had a strained relationship with his family members.  The key is to be faithful to God and loving to others at all times (Matt 22:37-39).  Avoid bitterness at all costs (Eph 4:31) and seek to prayerfully do what is wise (Jas 1:5).  There is no right or wrong choice in this circumstance… only right and wrong attitudes.

My mother is very religious, and she and her husband (not my father) claim to live their lives according to the Bible, which is wonderful.  However, I have a couple of questions regarding her faith.  I am forty-eight-years-old, and my father just died last year (my parents have been divorced since I was around ten years old).  Two days before my father died, he told me that he was not my biological father.  I had no idea and was in absolute shock.  Because of the trauma of losing my father, I was not able to focus on what he had told me and not able to ask him questions.  When I asked my mother, after my father died, to tell me who my biological father was, she told me that it was not necessary that I know… THAT IT DIDN’T MATTER… and that she came to this decision by praying to God.  I can’t believe that God would want me to suffer the way I am.  All I want is to know who it is… I don’t want a father, and I don’t want to disrupt anyone else’s life.  I am having trouble believing that God really operates this way.  I am a nice person, and I believe in God, but I can’t believe that He would want me to suffer like this.  My mother is Baptist.  Please let me know if you believe my mother is justified in her faith or if she is just hiding behind it.  Thank you.

Sincerely,
Who To Trust?

Dear Who To Trust,

The issues involved with finding birthparents are very emotional and sometimes painful… as you are now experiencing.  We will not even pretend to handle all of the counseling issues involved with what you are dealing with; we will simply focus on answering your doctrinal question.

Whatever your mother’s intentions are (and we are sure they are sincere), praying about something doesn’t mean that you are guaranteed to make the right decision.  Whether or not your parents would talk to you about your birthfather is an issue of wisdom, not doctrine.  If your mother believes that God spoke to her directly – she is wrong.  God doesn’t speak through visions and prophecy anymore (read “I Dreamed A Dream” for further details).

Just because your mother prayed for wisdom doesn’t mean that she did what was wise.  People make mistakes all the time, and this may, or may not, be an example of bad judgment.

I’m not sure what started it, but I have a huge family of twelve aunts and uncles with twenty-six of us grandchildren and even great-grandchildren, to boot.  The only existing grandmother all of us have from this side of the family is eighty-five and was living with my uncle, but his wife and my grandmother came to a verbal shootout a few weeks ago, and now half of the family is divided between Granny and my uncle.  It’s becoming really petty and hateful.  Is there a Bible verse that can sum up what everyone should realize, so they will just stop being hateful to each other?

Sincerely,
Out On A Limb

Dear Out On A Limb,

Family disputes are always difficult.  Here are some verses to remember and share with others:

1. God tells us that we are blessed if we are peacemakers (Matt 5:9).
2. When we sow peace in our lives, we get righteousness and peace back (Jas 3:18).
3. Christ tells us to be at peace with others “as much as it depends on us” (Rom 12:18).
4. Peace with others doesn’t come naturally; it must be pursued.  Peace takes work (Heb 12:14).
5. The ‘golden rule’ is to “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” (Matt 7:12).
6. The whole Bible stands upon two commands.  “Love the Lord” and “love your neighbor as yourself” (Matt 22:37-40).

Hopefully, some of these verses will help arm you to wage peace in your family.

I know the Bible tells us to respect our parents.  In my case, it would be my mother.  Ever since I can remember, my mother has always said or done mean things to me.  I am now forty-six, and she still says untruthful things about me to anyone who listens.  I am currently trying to do what is right as a christian.  She has done something recently, and I have come to the conclusion that I need to separate myself from her.  Is it okay to remove myself from her completely?  I have not had peace for many years concerning this issue.  She is always saying, “Honor your mother”, but she did not do the same for her mother.  I love my mother and give her as much respect as I possibly can, but now at the age of forty-six, I think I need to remove myself from this situation… which means removing myself from her.  I have been hurt so much by her behavior.  Please advise.

Where in the Bible does it say you must stay with your immediate family even though they are not good for you?

Sincerely,
Wanting To Do What Is Right By My Family

Dear Wanting To Do What Is Right By My Family,

Nowhere in the Bible does it say that you have to stay with your immediate family even if they are bad for you.  The Bible says that Christianity will create division in many families (Matt 10:35-37).  The Bible also says that bad company corrupts good morals (1 Cor 15:33).  The Scriptures are clear that we must honor our parents (Eph 6:2), but honor is not the same as staying in an unhealthy family arrangement.  ‘Honor’ means ‘to esteem highly’.  We honor our parents by treating them respectfully, regardless of their behavior.  As long as you are a minor, you are under the supervision of your parents and must abide by their decisions (Col 3:20).  However, once we reach adulthood (forty-six would count), we must make our own moral decisions and choices (Php 2:12).  Using wisdom (and prayer), you will have to decide what level of closeness and distance is appropriate with your mother.

My mom is going through depression; she was just in a breakup with her boyfriend.  She wants a life, but she thinks by just praying, God will help her.  I told her He can if He wants, but God wants to see her do it on her own, and He’s not going to help her if she’s not going to do the footwork to get her life back.  Question is, was I wrong in telling her that? Because I need to get her back to being the mother and woman she was.

Sincerely,
Worried Child

Dear Worried Child,

God will bless your mother when she chooses to search after righteousness.  God says that He draws near to us when we draw near to Him (1 Jn 1:6-7).  Christ said that all who seek God should “ask, seek, and knock” if they want to receive God’s help (Matt 7:7).  God freely offers the gift of salvation to all mankind (Rom 6:23), but we have to want it and ask for it.  Jesus told all His disciples to take up their crosses and follow after Him (Matt 16:24).  We cannot live ungodly lives and expect God to bless us in those choices (Rom 6:1-2).  You are absolutely correct in telling your mother that God has expectations.

A couple of years back, I started working for a company that was directed by my mom’s husband.  That’s not my father; they divorced when I was younger.  My mom left my dad because of an affair with this other guy, and I grew up with my dad but spent plenty of holidays with mom and her husband.  Naturally, I got a little fond of them and their kids, but when I was older, I became aware of how it hurt my dad that I would want to spend time with them when I had the choice.  He never blamed me but told me a little about what he felt on occasion when the conversation covered certain things significantly related.  Anyway, now I’ve been working in the company for a while, and although I’ve had pressure to leave to honour my dad, I never left and instead asked other people what they thought.  They all said they didn’t think it was dishonourable.  But recently, again, I’ve had the feeling that it was breaking one of God’s commandments, and I heard the story of a Welsh revivalist (Evan Roberts, I think) whose messages were very simple, and one of the four points was to ‘get rid of grey areas’. This is CERTAINLY a grey area for me, and I’m not at all sure whether I’m breaking the commandment or not, but, I feel that probably I am, so even if I am not sure about breaking the commandment or not, I AM SURE this is a grey area!  So… my question is, do you know of any Bible texts that can clarify how I can know if grey areas should really be addressed?  If you have any idea about the commandment and what you think is happening here, that would be great, too… I know my salvation is at stake here; please help.

Sincerely,
The Good Kid

Dear The Good Kid,

The Bible specifically addresses gray areas in Rom 14.  There are two major factors to consider in areas of opinion:

1. If what you are doing causes other christians to fall away or stumble, then you must stop (Rom 14:13) – this is not very applicable to your situation because nobody is going to fall away because you work for your stepfather.
2. It can’t be something that bothers your conscience.  Rom 14:23 says “But he that doubts is condemned if he eats, because he eats not of faith; and whatsoever is not of faith is sin.”  Working for your stepfather’s company isn’t a sin, and isn’t necessarily dishonoring your biological father… but if you feel that it is wrong and inappropriate, you should quit.

Obviously, it is the second factor that is going to be the most difficult for you.  Anyone that tells you that working for your stepfather is doctrinally wrong is feeding you a line.  However, you must examine yourself and consider what you feel comfortable with.  Life is difficult because it is impossible to get rid of all gray areas.  It takes self-examination and wisdom to wade through those choices and discern between good and evil (Heb 5:14).

I was reading the book of Leviticus the other day when I realized that in the list of prohibited marriages, first cousins weren’t included.  My question is then: is marrying your cousin a sin?  And if no, then why are most of us Christians appalled at such an act?

Sincerely,
Just Say No

Dear Just Say No,

It isn’t a sin to marry your first cousin.  In fact, it hasn’t even been culturally taboo for very long.  Even two or three generations ago, it was much more common to marry a first cousin.  Today, it is an odd thing to see a first cousin marriage, but it isn’t wrong.  We would even be hesitant to make the statement that, “most of us christians are appalled…” because we aren’t sure that statement is accurate.  Cultures change all the time, and this is a cultural issue, not a Biblical one.

I don’t like the person that my sister has become.  I have a hard time being around her and would prefer not to see her.  The problem is that my mother lives with me, and she would really like to see my sister.  Should I speak up or just grin and bear it?

Sincerely,
Sour Sis

Dear Sour Sis,

There may be a time for you to confront your sister if you feel she is living a sinful lifestyle (Matt 18:15).  However, you haven’t given us specific enough information to determine whether you are talking about sin or merely a personality conflict.  Remember that you can always be kind and generous to people… regardless of how they behave.  Jesus commends us to that kind of loving behavior (Matt 5:38-42).  Love is doing what is in someone’s best interest – love is a choice.  You can even love your enemies (Lk 6:35)… if you can do that, you certainly can love your sister.

A few people in my family (my aunt, her daughter, and my grandmother) were upset with my parents and decided to not invite them to the family Thanksgiving dinner where we draw names for Christmas, and they excluded my parents from the holidays that year.  My parents were really hurt because I joined in with what they did.  I told my mom I did nothing wrong; it wasn’t my party; I did nothing wrong, but she said if I participate in something I know is not right, then I am also guilty of that wrongdoing.  Is she right?

Sincerely,
Innocent Bystander

Dear Innocent Bystander,

It sounds like your extended family is involved in a knock-down, drag-out fight… and you have chosen sides.  Your mother is right; when you participate in something, you are complicit.  Judas didn’t actually crucify Christ, but he led the mob right to Him (Lk 22:47-48).  We don’t know any of the details of your family situation (and don’t particularly need to), but what you did was choose sides.  Which side is right and which side is wrong isn’t the point – you aligned yourself with your extended family.

The Proverbs teach that getting in the middle of a battle that isn’t yours is like grabbing the ears of a dog… never a good idea (Pr 26:17).  You make it clear in your letter to us that this isn’t your fight.  If that is the case, stay completely out of it.  God calls us to seek and pursue peace (1 Pet 3:11).  We recommend you do exactly that.

I am an adult child, 21-years-old and still live at home while in school.  Do I still have to obey my parents and the rules of their home?  Why can’t I do as I please?  I’m 21-years-old; aren’t I old enough to make my own rules?

Sincerely,
All Grow’d Up

Dear All Grow’d Up,

You are definitely old enough to make your own rules – go ahead and move out; embrace your freedom!  Though it is natural for parents to provide more independence to their children as they age, total self-rule will only come when you leave your parents’ home and become self-sufficient.  It is akin to the statement about marriage: when a couple “leaves and cleaves”, they are their own family unit (Matt 19:5).  Though you aren’t pursuing marriage, the same principle applies.  Leave the house and start your own home if you want to dictate your own rules.  You have a responsibility to honor your parents for the gift of free rent, food, etc. – not to mention the gift of life they gave you (Lk 18:20).

The transition from child to adulthood is always a strain upon the parent/child relationship.  The Scriptures promise that if you are careful with how you treat your parents in this transitional time, you will be blessed (Eph 6:2-3).

How do I help my family to forgive me when they see the way I used to be?  They think I’m just using God, but I’m not.  I asked Jesus to come into my life and forgive me of my sins.

Sincerely,
A Different Me

Dear A Different Me,

Forgiveness comes easier to God than it does to humans (Ps 86:5).  Family members have an especially hard time accepting change in their relatives.  Jesus said it best when He told His hometown and relatives that, “a prophet is not without honor, save in his own country, and among his own kin, and in his own house” (Mk 6:4).  It will always take longer for relatives to let go of old wounds and heal.  As the old saying goes: time heals all wounds.

Continue to take the steps to serve God.  We recommend you read through various articles in the Archives (especially articles like “What Must I Do To Be Saved”).  Hopefully, these will help you as you move forward.  Let your light shine (Matt 5:16), and over time, your family will see the differences and come to accept the new you.

Yes, I am a christian and have given my life to Christ.  I try to live a good christian life, but when I was very young, I had an abortion.  I was pushed into it by everyone that I knew, including my parents and my boyfriend.  My question is this… is one sin worse than others?  I have asked the Lord to forgive me, and I was and still am very sincere.  I believe that my sins have been forgiven, but lately I am reading things about abortion that are upsetting to me.   Please help.

Sincerely,
Regretful

Dear Regretful,

All sins are equal, but some sins have worse consequences than others.  In this life a “little white lie” may not cause you much trouble, but committing adultery will devastate your life.  However, in the eyes of God, all sin is deserving of death (Rom 6:23).  That “little white lie” will send you to hell just as much as the adultery would.  Abortion is such a heinous sin because of how deeply it affects the life and emotional state of the mother, the family, and ultimately, because it destroys a child’s life… but abortion can be forgiven through the blood of Christ.  The apostle Paul murdered christians (Acts 26:10), but Christ saved him (1 Tim 1:15).  The person that had an abortion is the old you… in Christ, you are a new person, and the old deeds have passed away (2 Cor 5:17).  Move forward in life with peace of mind knowing you will be reunited with your child in heaven.

God is very clear about how He wants us to live our lives, so I don’t understand how some people are constantly sinning and think they will go to heaven just because they are good people.  It is hard when I try to show people different verses in the Bible, and they just blow it off and say God wouldn’t send them to hell because of this or that.  What are some good verses to show my friends and family that God is serious?

Sincerely,
Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Two very basic verses that emphasize the importance of living faithful lives are Jhn 14:6 and Jhn 15:14.  In Jhn 14:6, Jesus says that He is “the way and the truth and the life, and no one comes to the Father except through Him”.  That verse removes all other religions.  Buddhism, Islam, Agnosticism, Judaism, Atheism, etc. – none of those religions will get you to heaven – only Jesus will.  Since the only way to heaven is through Jesus, Jhn 15:14 goes one step farther and makes it clear that we can only be Jesus’ friends if we do what He commands us.

Not everyone can accept this.  It is only when people love the truth (2 Thess 2:10) that they accept the details of the Bible.  It is an unfortunate reality that most people are simply not interested in the Bible’s truths because it requires too much of them.  God wants us to live faithful and committed lives, lives that require us to deny ourselves (Matt 16:24).  Only when we study His Word and apply it can we call ourselves faithful (Rom 10:17).

I am visiting family, and my sister-in-law invited an older child over to play with my daughter.  This child’s parents must use the phrase, “Oh, my God” often because the child said it a couple times.  My daughter has been taught not to say this, and at breakfast, she said, “(child’s name omitted) is using bad words.”

My reactionary reply was, “(child’s name omitted) is a bad-bad.”  This made for an awkward moment with this boy sitting at the breakfast table with his aunt & uncle close by who were watching him for the day.

I missed a moment to teach why we do not say, “Oh, my God” to the child and his relatives.  However, I’m not sure I would have explained it sufficiently if I would have tried.

Where in the Bible does it state using this phrase flippantly is wrong?

Sincerely,
Catch Phrase

Dear Catch Phrase,

In the Old Testament, it says to “not take the Lord’s name in vain” (Ex 20:7); it is the third commandment.  In the New Testament, we are told to “let not the name of God and the doctrine be blasphemed” (1 Tim 6:1).  The New Testament also says to treat God with reverence (Heb 12:28).  When we have an attitude of reverence towards God, we won’t use His name as a cuss word.  You are doing well to teach your child to hold God’s name in reverence and honor.  You’ve been doing the right thing… the verses back you up.