I am a teen who grew up in the church, and both my parents were converted when they were teenagers.  Their marriage is in a pitiful and sad state.  If they weren’t christians, I have no doubt in my mind they would have divorced long ago.  The main problem that I see is simply that my mother has become strongly embittered against my father, and she acts on her emotions; too often in an ungodly way.  She yells, slams doors, accuses, lies, and other things.  She scrutinizes everything about him and truly defines Solomon’s teachings of “a rottenness in his bones” and her contentions “are a continual dripping.”

I feel as a fellow heir that I have a responsibility to intervene and help resolve all the sinful behavior.  The roles in the house may be upside down, but I still want to honor my parents.  How do I balance the two?  Is there something I can say or do to help end the misery for everyone?

Sincerely,
Troubled Teen

Dear Troubled Teen,

There is a unique pain that is felt as we watch loved ones struggle through life… but sometimes ‘watch’ is exactly what we have to do.  Having personally spent many sleepless nights because of our own parents’ marital struggles – our heart goes out to you.  We wish we could tell you that there is an easy solution, and if you step in and get involved, it will change everything, but that isn’t true.  Sometimes, getting involved can make things worse.  Pr 26:17 says that getting in the middle of someone else’s disagreement is like grabbing a dog’s ears.  You’ll get bit every time.  Just because you feel you have the solution and see the situation clearer than your parents, doesn’t mean that they would be receptive to hearing it.  The most likely scenario is that you would add fuel to an already burning fire.

Another thing to consider is that your advice isn’t likely to be accepted by either parent because you are their child.  Jesus said that a prophet has respect except amongst his own family and in his own house (Mk 6:4).  Time has not made you equals with your parents, and you aren’t in a position to help them – it just isn’t the way life works.  This doesn’t mean you are wrong or that you are seeing things incorrectly – it just means they won’t listen because you are the child and they are the parents.  Whether or not you are correct is irrelevant.

But all of this doesn’t mean there isn’t anything you can do.  Jesus’ preaching didn’t affect his family, but his lifestyle did.  Multiple times in the Bible it says that Mary saw Jesus’ behavior and “treasured these things in her heart” (Lk 2:19, Lk 2:51).  Jesus’ example made a lasting impact upon His family.  When you see your parents fighting, calmly walk away.  If they ask why – tell them it hurts you.  When you have a chance to show respect to your father and love to your mother, do it.  As parents, we can tell you that mothers and fathers notice these acts of selflessness and maturity in our children more than they ever know.  Many parents have become better people because of the example of their children.  You can’t preach to them, but you can live a sermon every day.  And most of all, remember that regardless of what your parent’s marriage looks like, it isn’t your fault and it isn’t your burden.  You are only responsible for you, and someday if you get married, you can apply the lessons you are learning now to change your family tree so that your children don’t need to feel what you are feeling now.

Is using deadly force ever justifiable in defense of self or family?  If there were ever a situation where there was complete societal breakdown (no government or police), food and water became scarce, and armed looters and gangs searching for food became a real threat to your family, would you be morally responsible to defend your family by any means necessary?  Would God expect you to turn the other cheek or fight for survival?

Sincerely,
Getting Prepared

Dear Getting Prepared,

When the Bible commands us to not kill, the word used for ‘kill’ is the word that we would use for ‘murder.  Some of the most faithful men in the Bible were soldiers and had to kill people in the defense of their country.  David was a man after God’s own heart (1 Sam 13:14), and yet David killed many people as a soldier.  Jesus marveled at the faith of a centurion soldier (Matt 8:8-10).  The first Gentile convert was Cornelius, a well-known Roman soldier (Acts 10:22).  When a group of soldiers asked John the Baptist what they needed to do to live a faithful life, he told them to be honest and faithful… but he never told them to stop serving in the military (Lk 3:14).  These are all examples of the difference between murder and self-defense (or war-time killing).

In the Old Testament, God made specific rules that allowed an individual to kill if they were defending their home or family (Ex 22:2).  In Lk 22:35-39, Jesus tells His disciples that persecution will begin after He leaves and that they ought to “buy a sword” – this is certainly an endorsement of self-defense.  All of these point to the fact that God distinguishes between defensive force and vigilante murder.

What can a physically abusive man do to stop his ways?  He loves Christ, but he gets mad and flips out; then he repents over and over.

Sincerely,
Hoping To Help Him

Dear Hoping To Help Him,

He can stop his ways whenever it is important to him.  Contrary to what he says, this abusive man isn’t out of control – he can stop being abusive whenever he wants to.  In fact, abusive spouses are in complete control of their behavior.  Saying they “lose control” is just an excuse to continue sinful behavior.  Consider that:

1. Abusers pick and choose whom they want to abuse.  Abusers don’t assault or threaten everyone in their lives, only the ones they claim to love and care about.  Abusers have enough self-control to safely interact with employers, grocery clerks, and a thousand other people.
2. Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse.  Abusive spouses act appropriately in public but unleash their rage in private.  They have enough self-control to hide their behavior from society.
3. Abusers are able to stop when it benefits them (for example: when the police show up, their boss calls, etc.).
4. Worst of all, the most violent of domestic abusers are able to show enough control to aim their blows where they will be hidden from the public.  Many physically abusive adults specifically pick to leave marks only in places that won’t show.

In short, domestic violence isn’t uncontrollable – it is a choice.  All sin is something we have a say in, and it is our decision whether or not to let it be our master (Gen 4:7).  If you are in an abusive relationship, do not accept the lie that they can’t control their behavior.  Physical abuse is inexcusable.  God says that we should love our children (Tit 2:4) and love our spouses (Eph 5:28).  Domestic violence is the exact opposite of that command.

My English is not so good, but I’ll try to explain my question to you.  Two and a half years ago, my dad died.  He was everything to me.  I tried to move on with my life and make wise decisions, but it didn’t work so well.  I have the wrong friends, and I got the wrong man.  Every day, I pray to God to help me.  I can’t do it on my own.  I want to get a better life with hope, love, and happiness.  I think that God is punishing me for my mistakes in the past.  What can I do, so He will forgive my mistakes?  I am a better person now and have respect for all kinds of people.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  Please help me.  Lots of love (name omitted) from Holland.

Sincerely,
Grieving Daughter

Dear Grieving Daughter,

We are so sorry to hear of your loss and the pain it has brought you.  The loss of a beloved parent is a great grief.  Your honesty is refreshing, and it also makes it a lot easier to answer your question.  No matter how much God loves us, He still allows us to suffer the consequences of our choices.  As you mentioned, you’ve made some bad decisions in the past, and you have surrounded yourself with unhealthy relationships.  God tells us that we “reap what we sow” (Gal 6:7).  That means that when we make bad choices, we pay the price for those choices – even if we are remorseful.  We appreciate your desire to rebuild your life and start fresh.  Part of a new start is to remove the bad influences from your life – bad company corrupts good morals (1 Cor 15:33).  Since you are in Holland, we can’t recommend any specific congregations near you, but we can say you should try and find a faithful congregation to attend (read “Finding A Church” for help with that), and if you aren’t yet, you should become a christian (read “What Must I Do To Be Saved?” for details on how to be saved).  We also recommend that you start reading and studying your Bible.  We have a lot of sermons online that you can listen to if you find it helpful.  You can find those sermons at http://sermons.mvchurchofchrist.org.  You are doing the right thing by trying to make changes in your life.  The more faithful changes you make, the better your life will become.  It does take time though.  You are in our prayers as you seek a new direction for your life.

Can you help me solve my dad and sister’s problem with fighting each other?

Sincerely,
Suffering Sibling

Dear Suffering Sibling,

One very sad truth is that you can’t live other peoples’ lives for them.  We all are responsible for our own decisions and lifestyles (Php 2:12).  You can’t fix the situation between your sister and father, but you can make sure and not add to the fire.  Don’t take sides, and don’t get in the middle of their disagreements (Pr 26:17).  Make a decision to be a person that loves peace and pursues it (Ps 34:14).  As much as you are able, be at peace with both your father and sister (Rom 12:18).  Your example can remind them that life doesn’t have to be full of arguments and strife.  Let your light shine (Matt 5:16).  We can’t guarantee that will change things, but we can guarantee that you will always have a clear conscience regardless of what they choose to do.

I am twenty-eight years old, and I have a five-year-old son who has Down’s Syndrome.  He cannot talk, so he tries to talk by yelling loud.  Every time I go to a family get-together, I always have a problem.  When my little special child yells, I always hear my grandma talking to the person who she is sitting beside, and she is telling them how she cannot stand all that yelling.  She always says it where I can hear.  It hurts my feelings so bad that I go home and cry.  I never say anything to her about it because she is my grandma, and I do not want to be an angry person.  I am getting where I do not want to go to the family get-togethers because of it.  He does not mean to be bothering her.  He is just a ray of sunshine and happy!!  Could you tell me how to deal with this problem with my grandma in a way that you think God would have me handle it?  Thank you.

Sincerely,
Proud Mom

Dear Proud Mom,

There are several things that you can try, and it all depends on what you believe is the most appropriate tact to take with your grandmother.  No matter what, you should know that you are right about your child, and he is a blessing from God – nothing anybody says can change that fact.  Regardless of how others feel, he has done nothing wrong.  That being said, here are some verses to consider:

1. Rom 12:18 says that we should do everything we can to be at peace with others.  Turning the other cheek (Matt 5:39) is often the best policy when people are ignorantly hurtful.  If you can, just let it go… from what you have said, you have tried this, and it is simply too much of a burden to bear.  Kudos for trying; but in this case, for your personal peace, you need to do something more.
2. When we have a problem with another person, discretion is a key ingredient to a healthy resolution.  Pr 25:9 says that we should bring our disagreements to the person directly.  Directly confronting the “elephant in the room” is the scariest approach, but often the best.  Privately and kindly telling your grandmother that your feelings are hurt when she criticizes your son gives her the opportunity to choose the high road and to reach a resolution that improves your relationship.  Discretion shows love; bitterness is shown through public displays of frustration.  She has been public with her words; you should be private with yours.
3. Whatever you do, don’t let her words poison your heart.  Regardless of how she reacts to your honest appeal, make the decision now that you won’t let bitterness become rooted in your heart (Heb 12:15).  Decide ahead of time that you will raise your son according to God’s teachings, and let that buoy you up when criticized.