I have met a woman whom I’ve fallen in love with.  She has been separated from her husband (who committed several acts of adultery) for over a year and a half.  We wish to marry after the divorce is final; we are waiting on the last court date, which will make it final.  But both of us being believers, we are wanting to know if our relationship will be blessed by God, or are we adulterers ourselves in the eyes of God by starting a relationship before the divorce is final?  I’m good friends with her soon-to-be ex, and I know he has committed countless acts of sexual immorality with other women since they separated.  We both want to have a family appeasing to God, and she already has kids from him.  I guess it’s more of when is the divorce finalized in the eyes of God, so that she is free to find someone else?

Sincerely,
The Other Guy

Dear The Other Guy,

The Lord tells us to be above reproach (1 Tim 6:14) and to do what is honorable in the sight of all men (Rom 12:17)… being in a relationship with a woman who is still married (under any circumstances) violates those commands.  She has every right to divorce her husband (Matt 19:9), but until that divorce is final – she is married.  Therefore, if you are seeing her, then you are seeing another man’s wife.  Regardless of what may be in the future, that is the situation right now.  Each day has enough troubles of its own (Matt 6:34)… deal with tomorrow’s circumstances when they come.  Today, you need to keep your distance and show respect for her marriage, regardless of what duress it is under.

ShareThis

If you marry at a young age without knowing the consequences of divorce, are you still held accountable if a divorce were to happen?

Sincerely,
Youthful Impulse

Dear Youthful Impulse,

Yes.  There are many choices that we make in life that we don’t fully comprehend, but that doesn’t remove the consequences of those choices.  If you are driving down the highway and fail to note the speed limit… ignorance won’t stop the police officer from giving you a ticket.  When mankind makes choices in ignorance, those choices still affect us (1 Pet 1:14).  A marriage is a marriage – there are no exceptions.

ShareThis

My boyfriend and I have been together for five and a half years.  Since graduating college, we have been working and getting ready to apply to graduate school.  We plan to get married but agree that the right time may not be for another four years.  Is it possible to have a secret Christian marriage now and a “real” wedding for family and friends when we are financially prepared?  Saving sex for marriage is very important to us, even though we are (and have been for some time) sexually ready.  Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,
Bride-To-Be

Dear Bride-To-Be,

Secrecy is never a good idea… but especially when that secret will affect your marriage, your family, your reputation, tempt you to sin, and degrade your influence as christians – a secret marriage would do all of those things.  Have you considered:

1. There is really no Biblical precedent for being “married before God” and not married before the law and family.  Christians are supposed to obey the laws of the land (Rom 13:1-3).
2. You would be putting yourselves in a position where you look like you are living together (or sleeping together) without being married.  This means that you are sending the wrong message to mankind.  Christians are supposed to shine as lights in the world (Matt 5:16) and live a “good manner of life in Christ” that they may put to shame those who revile the name of Christ (1 Pet 3:16).
3. You are setting yourselves up to be deceptive.  When you file for taxes, are you going to say you aren’t married?  If great aunt Elma asks when you were married… what will you say?  There are lots of problems with this arrangement.
4. What will you tell your children down the road?  Will you lie to them about when you were married?  Will you tell them the whole story, and would you feel comfortable with them doing the same when they get to that stage of life?

All of these are potential pitfalls to a secret marriage arrangement.  The truth sets us free (Jhn 8:32), and deception ensnares us.  However, we would offer you an alternative.  God specifically teaches that it is better to marry than to burn (1 Cor 7:9).  There is nothing dishonorable with marrying when you are poor.  Keep the ceremony simple and small, be honest about your financial situation, and make it clear that you would rather be poor and married than wait to begin your life together.  It is obvious that you are committed to each other (five and a half years!), so there isn’t an issue of this being a snap decision.  After all, you can always have a lavish renewal of vows ceremony at your five-year anniversary.

ShareThis

If you take the vows of marriage, and one of the couple takes the vows with deceitful intention… are you married in the eyes of God?

Sincerely,
My Word Is My Bond

Dear My Word Is My Bond,

Unfortunately for the sincere-hearted partner, yes they are.  A vow is a vow.  God consistently emphasizes within the Scripture that we should stand by our word (Matt 5:37).  Marriage is a sacred bond that isn’t meant to be quickly loosed (Mk 10:9).  Solomon warns that breaking a vow is a truly heinous thing (Eccl 5:5).  Regardless of the intent behind the marriage (many people get married for the wrong reasons all the time), a vow is a vow.

How a godly person behaves toward their unbelieving or unkind spouse will be noted by God, and it can make a difference (1 Cor 7:12-14).  How you behave as a spouse (regardless of the behavior of your partner) will store up treasures in heaven and impact lives here on earth (1 Pet 2:18-19).

ShareThis

Where is it in the Bible that God says the only time you should have intercourse is to make babies and no other time… or is that true?

Sincerely,
Kids In Mind

Dear Kids In Mind,

Sexual relations within marriage are not only for procreation; they are also a blessing from God.  Pr 5:18-19 talks about rejoicing in marital intimacy and being intoxicated with the love of your spouse.  1 Cor 7:2-4 points out that marital relations are intended to keep both spouses from fornication because they will find joy in each other instead of in adultery.

ShareThis

Is it a sin to not have sex with your spouse?

Sincerely,
Marital Duty

Dear Marital Duty,

Yes, it is a sin unless it is done by mutual agreement.  Paul teaches on this subject in 1^st Corinthians.  1 Cor 7:1-2 states that one of the purposes of marriage is to fulfill sexual urges in a way that keeps both spouses free from the temptation of immoral sexual behavior.  Since this is one of the purposes of marriage, neither the husband nor the wife have the right to deny each other (1 Cor 7:3-4).  The only exception to this rule is that they may mutually agree to separate for a time (1 Cor 7:5-6).

ShareThis